ST.LAWRENCE 12 11-26-25 CONTINUED FROM ST. LAWRENCE 11 11-05-25
I wonder if there’s so much cancer in the world because physicians treat saints and healers as if they are diseased. The spirits of many saintly healers are crushed with coercion, drugs, and incarceration. Yes, even or especially in America.
8-1-91
I was thinking how a person in prayer breathes. It is a yogic belief that a person’s breath mingles with the life of God, in prayer. The breath of the saint then purifies and empowers the world, and fills creation with life.
Brother M. gave the allocutzio today. His message was that Catholics must learn to pray with deep devotion, and preach boldly.
We met a hero type man today that invited us in to do the census. It is good to meet a powerful, healthy, wealthy man who still has time for Jesus.
We also met an agnostic woman on our calls today. She asserted that her family was so enlightened that they deed not need faith in God.
Sister B. told the story of the red breasted bird called the robin. Originally the robin was all brown. The robin was there when Jesus was crucified. The brown bird loved Jesus and wanted to ease his suffering. So this bird pulled a thorn from Jesus head. Blood then spilled on the robin’s breast. Ever since that day the robin’s breast has been red.
My goodness is appreciated here. Last night I signed the near miracle of our two weeks here with an offering of song. I feel as if I am recovering lodes of life and truth for humankind. This morning in group prayer I had a glimpse of the earth shaking, a terrible outpouring.
Now I contemplate a nine pointed star. Its points would be; prayer, labor, communion, confession, charity, self denial, patience, longsuffering, and love.
Tonight the house keeper has invited us all to dinner with the nuns. This as a way of saying good bye and God bless. Bless you too, dear sisters.
Tomorrow we, those who participated in this project , all go our separate ways. Something wonderful has happened here in these last two weeks. Tomorrow I rendezvous with my family at a camp in the Adirondack Mountains.
Sister Louise blessed me before I left. “Good bye “she said, “keep it up”. “Remember a saint is just like you or I, but a saint is one who perseveres and never gives up”.
8-04-91 Lake Kiwassa
It is cold and rainy here at camp. It is thundering outside. Thunderstorms in the mountains are always dramatic. It’s getting cold out. I just lit a fire in the wood stove. The fire is driving out the damp chill.
There’s no television here, and only one radio station. Mom’s reading to Katy my niece. Sue and Dad have their noses in the paper. The others are sipping wine, and munching crackers and cheese.
As soon as I arrived here at camp I bathed in the lake. Today I went snorkeling, looking for clams. However, clams are very sparse this year.
8-4-91
Before this work with the legion of Mary I had no knowledge how extensive and powerful this organization is. Since its inception in 1929, the Legion has had 10,000 martyrs.
Sometimes people discus whether or not animals know love.+. But birds do know this emotion. This is how I know. About fifteen years ago I was working in the back yard. I found a yellow and gray bird, about the size of a robin, dead, lying on its back. Its mate, also yellow and gray, lay dead as well, with its head on its mate’s breast. This tells me that animals, even wild animals, know love, and may have spirit.
Anyhow, we have caught, cleaned and refrigerated thirty seven small fish. Tonight we’re having a fish dinner.
We’ve gone for ice cream three times this week. At this ice cream stand they use milk from their own cows. The view of the mountains from that little dairy store is exquisite. I must comment that in spite of the rain, there has hardly been a harsh word.
I find that keeping a journal is like sifting earth for diamonds. One conceives, and sets aside valuable thoughts, like gems from the sand.
Reverend Paul, a friend and Catholic priest, visited the camp here today. We had lunch, talked, and he completely read this journal. I took him fishing and we caught a nice Northern pike.
At this point I am going to conclude the rewrite and condensation of this journal.
There was a big beaver out in the lake this morning. When it first saw me it had leaves in its mouth. I accidentally scared it. It smacked the water with its tail and disappeared. Then it reappeared, swimming in a circle around the boat.
We noticed an almost complete absence of birdsongs in the morning and evening. Only blue jays and crows. The reason for this is that the Central and South American wintering forests are being wiped out by the farming and lumbering industries. All the beautiful and wondrous songs are no longer.
Well, on our way out of the woods, leaving for home, we stopped at the cold mountain spring. Taking a cold drink, I bid the mountains goodbye.
And finally, I hope these pages are like refreshing cold mountain water for any who read here.
So long, God Bless You,
Michael 2:03. Aug. 18, 1991.
As I go through the cases of older writings, this following essay comes to the surface. I’m angry as this essay is written. And frustrated about the overbearing psychotropic medicines I was forced to take. I needed to be in prayer at this time in my life, to accomplish what needed to be done. But the medicines shut down the parts of my mind that allowed prayer. This was written circa 1991.
I am typing out my old journals in 2025. My perspectives have changed. I have found my way into a life of prayer. Today’s world is one of confusion and threatening circumstances. I am praying for peace, and the salvation of mankind.
On Psychiatrists
Remember that psychiatrists are human too. And they may be heavy handed in prescribing medications. Medications may helpful, long term, or tragically interfering. Either way, it takes time to work through mental illness. And to let it become the path to wisdom.
We are told that our spiritual experience is not real, but a delusion caused by chemical imbalance, and beneficially treated with drugs – psychotropes.
Our spiritual practices, powers, and experiences are all imaginary, we are told. We live in harmony with society as long as we consent to the will of inferior persons.
The great benefits of a spiritually oriented subculture are lost as our true intuitives are labeled, incarcerated, and drugged. The force of spiritual and social revolution is lost to the practice of psychiatry, and the incredible benefit sainthood would bring to the world is surrendered to doctors who find it easier to call us insane than to see themselves as sinful.
The insights and powers gained by years of discipline are lost when, under the threat of brutality, we are forced to take medicine.
I have been manhandled, hosed and injected by hospital staff. Psychiatrists have their underlings do the dirty work.
I believe there is a collective conscious and unconscious. This collective mind perpetuates modern medical thought, and is allowed to rule. Psychiatrists are agents, backed by police power, of a government which is ruled by an evil force. This satanic force will not manifest itself until a person demonstrates sensitivities that would grow into sainthood, or discipleship, if left unchecked.
Under threats of abuse, we take our medicine, accept corrupt authority, and outwardly act as if we believe the scientific bullshit they try to brainwash us with.
For the last year, I have spent a lot of time with Mom and Dad. A menial role. This is because I have been reduced to inferiority and dependence by psychotropic medications.
Without spiritual sensitivities, spontaneity, energy, focus or raw power, I am easily controlled. All authority figures in my life say I am doing excellently. This is because I live by their will for me. And lack the clarity and power to discern the best way for myself. Psychiatry has succeeded in establishing a numbness and dumbness of spirit. Reduced outwardly to a base level, I amconsidered acceptable by society, the people around me.
My sisters all exist in the intelligent sector of normal thought. None have experienced enlightenment as I have. The quest for enlightenment ,for me, is bound to psychoses. There have been times when I have been a full and direct conduit between Heaven and earth. Psychotic behaviors, like catatonia, were my yielding to the flow of the spirit. I would get trapped in prayer allowing light to flow through my body into the world. Afraid to break the flow, believing the Kingdom was dawning upon us.
And crazy behaviors were an attempt to yield to a higher power.
Years of sacrifice are needed to experience true enlightenment.
None of them have ever experienced themselves as a direct avenue of Holy Light into the world. Not in the same way as I have. Though time will show that they too have contributed to the betterment of the world.
I visited the chapel at Saint Christopher’s Catholic Church in Tonawanda. I went up to the altar rail and knelt before the altar. The Monstrance was there, the consecrated host. My heart was opened. My mind was opened. I became a conduit between Heaven and earth. But my actions and behaviors became erratic. This is why I crave to forgo medicine. So that I might be the conduit. But it could usher in psychotic behaviors. And a relapse and hospitalization is to be averted at all costs. It is when a person experiences themselves as a direct conduit between Heaven and Earth, that persecution is intensified and overwhelming.
One thing I have learned through years of slavery on psych wards is that a wise servant will rule the master’s household. The self inflated ego is the easiest for the servant to persuade. I have been accused of laying down spells. But I have found that by hard labor, and hard prayer, one can manifest, to a considerable extent, his or her will over a situation. I spent years on psych wards, and found it possible, through prayer and hard work, to exert my will over the situation. I found I could lead by scrubbing floors and dutifully attending to prayer.
A face to face confrontation is a primitive test in power. And a meek personality may be incredibly invested in God’s kingdom. The more one prays and labors, the more the ego is erased, and thus lessens the occasion of ego vs. ego confrontation.
As our family ages, it will not be a question of who is dominant, but an issue of whether or not we, as a group of individuals, are amenable to the will of Christ. +.
My sister Sandra is a highly integrated normal person. As we travel life’s path I see her ascending to a higher place. I sense that she has resolved to help me navigate coming challenges.
On women: A woman can inspire you to paint, write, play music, etc., but these endeavors are only semi-creative.
We are purely creative as we worship in the spirit. But psychotropic meds seem to block the flow of prayer.
Hallucinogenic drugs seem to bring about a spiritual communion, and these are illegalized, as well. These drugs can unbalance a person mentally, however, my experience tells me.
Certain drugs are illegalized. Their use can result in an inner desire to transcend sin, and the ignorance that sin allows. But without lawyers, body guards, and money, a power backing, the ascending child of God faces real jeopardy.
I was told over and over again, at Saint Lawrence, that sexual service is one road to social ascendency. Aside from this, I have never been tempted by a wealthy and beautiful woman. Furthermore, my conscience loudly objects to sexual involvement.
Psych wards are despicable places. They are inhabited by unimaginable evils.
A psychically sensitive person will, as soon as the doors are locked behind him, be moved to worship. Worship is begun, to protect one’s own soul, as well as to cast out the evils all around. A grand exorcism is begun. And it does not end until the medications take over, and the war has never been.
The psychiatrist is spiritually dumb and mute. He observes a patient in prayer, and immediately set out to separate him from his schizophrenia and delusion. He mandates drugs, confinement, and authorizes the use of force.
But the other side of the coin is that I would have fasted unto death, or killed myself in some bizarre way.
Today, December 5, 2025, as I type out this essay written in 1991, I see clearly that medication has allowed me to live many decades beyond what the illness of schizophrenia would have allowed. The path to peace and well being has opened before me. And I have gained wisdom that only time will allow.
When this essay was written, I contended that New York State Mental hospitals were an evil like the prison camps of Germany. And perhaps they are. But I was in deep and troubled waters. I was close to starving myself to death. I collapsed into a catatonic state. And the medication haloperidol, as horrible as the side effects were, allowed me to start fresh. But staying on haloperidol, long term, was impossible. It was the medicine, clozapine, that truly gave me a second chance.+.
As I page through a stack of my old writings, where I am trying to comprehend and control my mental illness, there are hundreds of pages of my thoughts as a seeker. Now, decades later, I can radically simplify it all. Pray. Sunshine. Fresh air. Healthy diet. Attend church.
My college studies covered the history of institutions and institutionalization. We studied the work of several authors. I am going to touch on what we covered in this next writing.
The first book covered in this section is “The Death of the Asylum” by John Talbot.
Between 1963 and 1973 state hospitals discharged patients enmasse. Outpatient, or community services have been developed, and are inefficiently taking the place of inefficient hospitals. Since 1963 350,000 patients have been discharged. Many of these patients live on the street. Others live in sub-poverty housing situations. The asylums today are antiquated, understaffed and filthy, worse than prisons. Inadequate funding, inefficient bureaucracy, and lack of media attention is blamed for these inadequacies.
Apathy hinders change. Citizens stay uninvolved, fearing the illness and the ill. There is no advocate for change. The state hospitals are underfunded, and have to hire foreign doctors and staff. Poor care is indicative of the bureaucratic spider web. A question exists: are patients better off in state hospitals, or on the street or in wretched welfare hotels?
Following below are the problems with deinstitutionalization.
1. The transfer of funds from the federal to the community level.
2. Too few outpatient services.
3. Lack of interagency coordination.
4. Poor inpatient preparation for life in the community
A link is perceived between the history of psychiatry, the history of mental illness, and the history of state hospitals. The initial philosophy of state hospitals was to control social deviants.
During colonial times there was little sense of responsibility toward the insane. The mentally ill were thought to be possessed of demons. They were incarcerated in jails, almshouses, or wandered about. They were treated savagely, inhumanely.
The first American mental institution was opened in 1773, in Williamsburg, Virginia. Torture therapies were thought to be therapeutic. In around 1870, a Doctor Benjamen appeared as the father of American psychiatry, treating insanity as a blood dysfunction.
The year 1800 was the beginning of the era of “moral treatment”, and the establishment of the American Psychiatric Association. Moral treatment reigned. No chains or restraints, open wards, kindness between staff and patients. Kindness therapy was hailed as great success. +
In 1820, Dorothea Dix prompted the building of new state hospitals. New York and Massachusetts were the first. In the 1860’s a nationwide state hospital movement began. With the soon to be overcrowded hospitals “kindness therapy” became impossible. “Corral the savages” succeeded moral therapy. Lack of money allowed quickly degenerating conditions. In the 1890-1900 period, immigrants were dropped, cart blanche into state hospitals. Restraint and impersonal treatment prevailed, as they do today.
A philosophical debate surfaced between psychiatrists and neurologists. Neurologists raised considerable criticism of the state hospital system, in which they were not allowed to practice.
Layman Clifford Beers initiated a movement away from institutionalization at the beginning of the twentieth century. Beers had a powerful effect on the philosophy of psychiatry. While psychiatry coalesced as a school of thought, state hospitals evolved as the terminal address of the mentally ill.
During this period, 1900-1930, outpatient residences were initiated, as was psychoanalyses, group therapy, and convulsive therapy.
In WWII the draft board noticed a higher percentage of mental illness in draftees than in the civilian sector. Mental illness from war trauma was also noticed. In the battle zone the efficacy of immediate, short term treatment was realized, and then applied to the civilian sector. Immediate treatment, it was discovered, reduced the incidence of long term illness.
In 1963, psycho tropes were introduced, coincidental to the effort to empty the hospitals.
In the 1950-1970 period, group therapy and psychodrama were popularized. The community mental health movement, circa 1960, opened outpatient clinics, and initiated a policy of treatment, rather than simply housing in state hospitals. At this time the idea of preventative care was popularized. Many doctors believed that barbarous hospital conditions exacerbated illness.
From 1850 to 1955 there was a steady rise in the population of mental hospitals. At any one moment, one percent of the population was in state hospitals. Between 1955 and 1976, there was a 66% drop in state hospital populations to 190,000 in 1976. This exodus had three reasons: Legislation for deinstitutionalization. Transfer of patients into homes. And Psychotropes.
Deinstitutionalization had three policy components: The prevention of unnecessary admissions. The discharge of all prepared patients. The creation of outpatient facilities.
The most obvious sign of the deinstitutionalization backlash is the homeless on the street. Most, however, reside in welfare hotels or flop houses. A question arises, are patients any better off in filthy nursing homes or hotels than they are in barbaric hospitals?
Although the present census of mental hospitals is down, the rate of readmission is much higher. Lack of money, a bureaucratic flaw, with a resultant lack of outpatient care, is the greatest cause of readmission. Stepwise and social skill training is needed both in and out of the hospitals. Community resistance to half way houses is a problem creating schizophrenic ghettos in the run down neighborhoods near the hospitals.+.