Continuation of Journal 15 12-20-23
I don’t think there is any way to keep a clean mind as long as one is plugged into the media. There is almost no way not to be plugged into sex and violence. One would have to unplug all screens, censor the mail, and on and on.
I’m up for a lucky break. I’ve plenty hard times and lean years. Yea, I’m up for a break.
Sandy gave me a magic blanket for Christmas She says I have to sleep under it to release its magic. I’ll have to get it from the closet, and use it.
Yes life is overcoming obstacle after obstacle. One thing after another. Sometimes it’s hard to stay positive. Staying positive is a labor. I had to have the tranny on the truck rebuilt last month. 745.00. So you see there’s no end to it.
Focus on the music, the poetry, the art. Focus on the woods, waters, and beauty of nature. Focus on loved ones, and selfless deeds. Take fresh air and sunshine. Life is good, delightful, joyful, because I choose for it to be so. I will not let any circumstance determine who I am. I decide to be well, whole, and happy. I decide to be complete.
I had a dream. I was told that God’s men were falling into confusion. Both in reality and in the dream world. Our essential duties in the dream world are left undone because of this confusion. We, our brotherhood, shall be set free, in the crystal and the flower we are always to wear. The crystal or gem, with the flower, shall be the sign of our brotherhood. And they shall be the power in Christ that shall set us free, and bring us to glory.
Perhaps this is a great secret. The men and women in life who succeed in life are those who succeed in the dream world. And for us, my circle of friendships, the key to success in the dream world is carrying a crystal and wearing a flower in real life.
And then I had another dream. Ralph came to me. Kara was beside him. They were surrounded by light. Ralph excitedly exclaimed the good news that I got my poetry published, in a grand way.
We must learn to handle our affairs. Both in the dream reality and the waking reality.
3-05-03
So I dug out a crystal and bought some carnations. It feel as if my spirit is finally ascending.
Poetry Group 3-05-03
We were meeting regularly at Barnes and Noble. The following poem is written around four words. DOG, STAR, TOKEN, SUBSTANCE. In poetry group, each person wrote one word on a small slip of paper. The slips were folded and mixed together. Peggy, our leader, drew four of the slips. The assignment was to write something including these words. It could be anything. Blurb, prose, poem, whatever.
When I saw a nice poem evolving, except for the word “substance”, in the third line of the third verse, I replaced that word with “gentle”
I have a little secret.
Something I must hide.
In my cubby there’s a starship.
Want to come now for a ride?
My starship’s made of twinkling eyes,
and merry hearts, unbroken.
Now come aboard, your boarding pass,
a smile as your token.
A universe, unbroken love,
faith and joy and laughter.
Gentle love unending.
Goodness ever after.
Then off to distant galaxies,
of dragons, heroes horses.
My lightship’s name is Cheerful Heart.
Beyond the stars she courses.
Come now, sail away with me.
We leave tomorrow, dawn.
And brighter be our guiding stars,
if you will be along.
So meet me in my cubby.
Tomorrow to take flight.
The sun shall rise, and so shall we,
tomorrow at first light.
The sun shall rise, and so shall we,
tomorrow at first light.
Sunday 3-09-03
Well, Sandy’s granola came back home. I remailed it. The second time she got it.
Actually , I’m contemplating a simple post-card. A single card. This would have a phone response, instead of a mail back response.
I spent some time in prayer last night. Eugene Radon, an elderly priest friend, offered to teach me topray the Liturgy of the Hours. This would be great. Also I’ve started piano lessons. My teacher is an incredibly gifted musician.
Last night I prayed for peace.
2-21-03
Another weird dream.
The reason I need medicine is so that I don’t create cosmic annoyance, or confusion, while asleep in the dream state.
It’s 5:45 am. I just awoke from a crazy wild dream. My chaotic dreams were disturbing the souls of other men. I’d forgotten my medicine. My dreams were waking the sleep of dead John Lennon. And George Harrison. As well as Dad, and cousin Sid, who are alive, and many more.
The medicine is needed so that I can maintain a state of psychic peace at all times, asleep and awake.
Maintaining peace is imperative if I’m going to achieve.
Sid was in this dream. Legendary rock stars as well. My freezer was full of Crème Brule. I was touring the continent on turkey hunts. Achieving fame and fortune. Finally winning in the dream state, and in the waking world. Carrying a flower and crystal worked. I can win the dream world battles now. But I must take my medicine. And then the legendary greats, dead and alive, will show me the way.
The sky force cops were right outside, ready to bust, for making a vibrational disturbance. I was jarred from my sleep, as I was commanded to awaken, and take the medicine.
3-24-03
I find that people I meet, at church, up at the hospital, wherever, confront me with personal questions. These questions always relate to my personal financial status. I began to question why this is a repeating pattern.
I soon realized to we are all, subtly, taught to employ a mental ranking system. There are different aspects to the ranking system we are taught to use. The first aspect is that it is used to limit, and define all members of society. It is used to judge a person’s value as a human being according to their monetary and material assets. A person’s worth, the value of their life, is measured by their material possessions. This false doctrine is called “materialism”.
When we buy into this thought system, we judge others, and are judged, by a false measure. We sweat, and sacrifice, and toil, to gain money and possessions. We are deceived into believing, falsely taught, that the value of one’s life and soul is measured by their bank account. We are taught to enslave ourselves to the pursuit of material gain. We are taught to judge by external circumstances. We are taught to live by a lying measure.
Merely look back into history, into the lives of prophets and saints. They became prophets and saints, in part, because they successfully disassociated themselves from deceiving though systems. I go to church to commune with the spirit of sainthood and prophecy. But I am met at the door by someone who thinks they need to know about my financial assets.
I come up to the Center to work out, and am met by questions about how many buildings I maintain, and how many employees I have. I have kept my business small, that it not consume me. I have kept my business small that there be time for prayer, for art forms, for the woods and waters.
For example, consider the life of Vincent VanGoph. In his own time, he was an outcast, a freak. He never sold a single piece of work. History, however, had other ideas, holding the name of VanGoph among the greatest of masters.
Let us look then, beyond physical appearances. Let us learn to value purity and love. Let us now trash the mental ranking system, with its lies, and learn to look within.
3-30-03
I am excited. Things are going well. My speech to NAMI last week was well received. I was treated as a healer. I had to tell them that while I am willing to help in any way I can, only God can heal.
I’ve spent my winter slow season building collages, and working out and doing yoga at the Wellness Center. I’ve made many friends there.
The collage project came out great. I’m looking to showing it around. I hope to get a show, somewhere.
The poetry project is coming along. My work is good. I’m confident I’ll publish.
But the most exciting thing now is God’s call on my life. He’s called me to lead the nations. And now, after forty eight years of preparing, it’s beginning to happen.
My goals for the rest of the year are modest. By October fifteenth, the first day of bow season, I’ll have all my bills paid, my truck inspected and repaired, and three thousand dollars to help me get through the winter. However the Spirit moves, I’m ready for what the coming months bring.
We are now a nation at war. We are fighting in Afghanistan and Iraq. North Korea is threatening. No one knows what tomorrow will bring. Will it be world peace, or world war three? I honestly believe our prayers will bear on what’s to be.
My art project is called the “peace project”? I’m making the point that war or peace, bondage or freedom, justice or oppression – we choose. By our words, deeds, thoughts and prayers. A little thing, like using our TV time for the edification of that which is good and holy, would change the world.
Instead of bathing our minds in sex and violence, instead of passive indolence, if we prayed, meditated, studied, learned music, arts, dancing, and crafts, we would have much stronger communities. In fact, getting rid of TV could be the key to an America reborn!
Pornography is being accepted as a normal thing. It was once viewed as an evil. Is advancing pornographic display just an ordinary swing of the pendulum? Or are we like Sodom and Gomorrah in the Old Testament? Each day closer to the wrath of God.
5-07-03
I’m down in Florida now. At Dad’s place in Naples. Mom and I flew down here six days ago.
Dad’s been difficult, as usual. I’ve had to adopt a cold and hard demeanor towards him. If I smile or act happy, he’ll use it as an opportunity to assign nasty chore, or say something hurtful.
It seems the whole of life is making a different person of me. I find myself communicating with much less talk, by presence and faith alone.
Finding God present moment to moment, most often.
I spent a couple of days with Billy, down at Goodland. He was most difficult, as well. I had one day to fish. I was set, and ready to roll. We’d agreed at a ten am. departure time. Equipment was all loaded in the car, poles set up, we were ready to go. And just forty minutes late.
Twenty more minutes passed. “Bill”, I said, “let’s get going. He responded angrily that the tide was wrong, and we needed to wait. An hour passed. “Bill” I pleaded, “let’s go”. He angrily said, “the fish won’t bite, it’s too windy”. An hour and a half passed. It was close to noon, now. We were still at home. He lectured me, telling me he knows when the fish bite. And there was no sense going out until one.
Well we eventually got the show on the road. We got the boat launched, and we were at the flats by one or so. The fish were hitting when we got there. We landed seven trout, one shark, and ten cats. The fish bit until about three-thirty, and then went quiet.
We motored back to the dock, unloaded gear, and went back to Billy’s bungalow. He took a nap while I cleaned fish. He went to work, at six o’clock, at the Little Bar. It’s just down the road.
I went down to the boat, and got the left over shrimp. Then going down the road, with all my gear, I snuck back onto a dock. There I fished until dark. I caught several more cats, including one monster. I landed it with a long handled net, and got it up on the dock. I got the hook out of its mouth, then it squirmed through a tear in the net, and back into the water.
The net needed mending. I unspooled about eighteen inches of duct tape, and twisted it into a cord. And with it I mended the net.
The next morning we got up at nine o’clock. Billy told me to be ready by ten. At ten I was packed up and ready to roll. Billy was puttering around. At ten thirty he got out his personal banking papers, and started on paper work. At eleven I said to Bill, “can we please get going?” I’d been sitting patiently for an hour.
He flew into a mad rage. He cussed and hollered, and ran out to his car. Well I jumped in and he took off like a madman. Tailgating and taking turns way too fast. Passing on the double yellow.
Anyway, my sister was down here until yesterday. She flew back to her home in Oklahoma. We had a good time with each other. Faith in Christ we share. We helped one another deal with Dad’s horrible demeanor. We took refuge in our friendship. She made my stay here much easier. At this point Dad is in good spirits. Mom is happy now too. We have their demons at bay. For now.
But actually Mom’s been pretty kind and level headed. She seems more kind and level headed all the time. She’s growing in Christ. A victory.
I’m looking forward to the drive home, back to New York State. The drive home should be an adventure. I’m looking forward to getting back to work, and to my projects. I hope good changes come. That progress and success finally begin.
You see, I believe that God has called me to lead the nations. Yet, in reality I clean and garden. I have been diagnosed as mentally ill. There is a huge gap between where I am, and where God has called me to be. And I cannot close this gap. I am practicing being open to God. I am learning to let God bring change.
May 23, 2003
I am on the subway now, in Buffalo. I’m going to the main library to do research. Research on publishers and agents. I’ve been on the internet twice, and yesterday spent half a day at Barnes and Noble. I’m working toward the goal of publishing “Froggy Monster”. One of my children’s books.
The Ghost of Oswagatchee got you.
I swallowed, burped, and then went “achew!’
6-06-03
Continuing to read and study about publishing.
Went to a party at Jon P’s today. Negative vibes.
Just completed a winter time collage project. Twenty pieces. Showing it around. Plan to show it to Proulx’s tomorrow. “Froggy Monster” is done. It came out great. I’m hoping Abe, my illustrator, will do at least two more with me.
The rule of singular submission allows a publisher to hold a manuscript for up to three months, not allowing any other publisher to view it until he decides to publish or not. So I’d like to get several works out there to get the ball rolling.
I’m not writing much new material these days. Rather typing up and organizing that which is older. I’m typing out all the material that’s relevant as children’s poetry. Children’s poetry will be my first thrust at breaking into publication.
