Continuation of Journal 6 12-21-22 1998 From the note book labeled IX
Mom is the one, really, who decided I needed to work. She did this by telling me, repeatedly, that I needed to get a car on the road, that I might make progress in life. Several times I said “no”. But she persisted. We started with an old clunker for 1800.00 dollars. It was an Astro Van. Gone to seed.
Every penny I could earn went into that van. But I liked it. The mobility, the freedom was great. But the cost of repairs was over the top.
The first thing I discovered was that I could get out to fish. And then Cousin Billy asked me down to deer camp. That was it. I was sold. A van meant I could I could hunt and fish. If I could turn the coin. So I went to work, and turned the coin, caught the fish and learned to hunt. I killed the deer, and made the memories. I wonder if Mom ever regretted giving me a start. She definitely enabled my chronic outdoorsman ship lifestyle. I cannot begin to tell you how many prayers of thanksgiving have arisen from my heart as I have sat in the quietude of the woods. The hunting and the fishing, the practice and the prayer, woven into one seamless garment.
Cleaning and gardening. Most years just breaking even. But freeing up enough cash to make it work.
Making Money
Vacuum Rugs,
the flies and bugs.
Clean the putty and glue.
Wash the stairs,
dust, paint, and hairs,
and clean the toilets too.
I’ve got a business going.
Making a decent buck.
A business goin’ and growin’,
it looks like I’m in luck.
I’m scrubbing people’s houses,
makin’ ‘em so clean.
No more lousy mouses.
and a pocket full of green.
So celebrate the workday.
It’s great to have it goin’.
Hard at work, it feels like play.
My joyful glowin’ showin’.
Hard at work, it feels like play.
My joyful glowin’ showin’.
Dad and I were in Palma, Mallorca, near the cathedral. A beautiful satin feather drifted down through the air and landed at my feet. I kept the feather, and taped it into the journal. Journal number nine.
The Feather
It fell,
It fell,
from out of the sky,
it dropped to Earth,
from the nebulae,
Truly,
truly,
a mysteri.
Hunting
Mystical art form,
deeper and deeper
into the woods.
The forest mocks,
teases,
consoles, and teaches.
leading ever onward, inward.
Cruel woman,
saintly sister,
lower the sites,
fire the gun.
Boundaries are forgotten,
the circle
now
complete.
Thanks and Praises
I will give Thanks and Praises to the Lord,
for the money I need.
to fix the trucks, food and clothes,
insurance, rent and all.
I will give Thanks and Praises to the Lord.
These problems are much bigger than I.
My need much bigger than my resources.
I will trust God and have faith.
I will give Thanks and Praises.
Your Worst Nightmare
I was shopping at the grocery store a few days before I wrote this. As I passed by a young girl she looked at me and said, “your worst nightmare”. Those words stuck in my mind. What was my worst nightmare? It gave me an idea for a poem.
This was written on 11/12/98. Shortly before the beginning of the new millennium. Many people were fearing the end of the world, as we know it.
Worst nightmare,
bloody night scare,
stallions black as coal.
Eyes blood red,
awaken the dead,
stealing my heart and my soul.
Trapped in hell,
unable to yell,
fire forever more.
Pain without end.
No savior, no friend.
No window, no stairway, no door.
Lost in the dungeons.
Confusion so dark.
I grope my way along.
Ridden with demons
of misery and anguish.
No word, no whisper, no song.
Falling, falling.
Dying, dying.
my voice I cannot raise.
Paying for sins,
of thought, word, and deed.
My voice,
to God cannot praise.
Hell is forever,
“pay for your sins”,
The slave master yells.
But I didn’t know,
How could I know,
of hells under hells,
under hells.
And each is worse
than the others.
Suffering without end.
No sister, no mother,
no father, no brother.
No guide, no teacher,
nor friend.
Your worst nightmare.
Bloody night scare,
of the end
so near at hand.
The stallions stampeding.
The saints wounds are bleeding.
The smell of death in the air.
“I am your worst nightmare”,
a small child says.
Foreseeing the changes at hand.
A dream without end,
no peace, no friend.
Your hopes,
crumbling like sand.
“I am your worst nightmare”,
the little child says.
Not knowing the truth she lends.
In her soft jesting,
she may be
suggesting
the coming of this world’s dark end.
In her soft jesting,
she may be
suggesting
the coming of this world’s dark end.
Ham and Turkey Party at the Gun Club
Every fall, right before deer season, the gun club holds a bash. The smoke, the beer, the babes, the gambling for guns, and loins of beef. The pushing and shouting. Noise.
Course languish. Praise you Lord. Thank you Lord. Please grant me the money I need. Please grant me the game I need.
A time for celebration, or the gates of hell?
99+ Trucker’s school. Red Cross courses. Karate school.
I’ve yet to say my prayers today.
The new van is running fine. I had to do some repairs.
I’ve got to call home.
Praise you Lord. Thank you Lord.
I’d like to meet a girl. I’d like another gun.
Bedlam – purgatory.
Honestly, this is a little much.
However, I left with my keys, and my unspent dollars in my hand.
God Send
My new van was stuck in the drive. I couldn’t get it started, problems. We hooked up the jumpers, and jimmied things around. Finally, it kicked in and started.
I got it to a garage, and left my truck in their drive. They promised to be fair.
Well, for one hour labor, and a 120 dollar part, they charged me 365 dollars. I realized in despair, that auto repair costs, could break me.
I shared this with a friend, on the phone. This friend is a teacher, at a trade school. He told me there was an auto shop at the school, teaching kids mechanics. And that he could get me in.
Well their thoroughly going over the old van. And did all necessary work on the new van. For the price of parts alone.
Now I’m on a hunting trip, relieved and breathing easy, thankful for the God send of help of a friend.
Wisdom from Walt Mehlenbacher, a farmer: A cow is nothing but a fermentation vat on legs.
Saturday 11/21/98
Ending a week of hunting with Billy, near Portageville. Tomorrow afternoon, after mass, I will leave for Mom and Dad’s home.
There were two difficult moments this week. The first was being harassed by a land owner for trespassing. I hadn’t been, but for a moment thought I was in trouble. The other tough moment was getting pulled over by the sheriff in Portageville. I’d rolled through a stop sign. I pleaded with them a bit. I told him I’d just been in an argument over false charges with an angry landowner. They let me go with just a warning.
The high points were in the hunting. Cousin Jeromy gifted me a small buck. And today I harvested a big doe. Also, I harvested, dressed and froze seven squirrels.
Aunt Vicki has been in high spirits, and has been painting. Billy and I have been conversing over the TV late into the evenings. I’ve been going fine on five hours sleep, something I never thought I could I do. Hunting strengthens the mind, body, and spirit.
This is my last night. I’m all cleaned up and ready to go. Bill and I are watching the Sabres play, on our last evening together.
Tomorrow, on my way out of town, I have to go down the river and pick up a load of stone for a customer.
I’ll stop by Farmer Mehlenbacher’s on my way out of town. He just lost his wife. I’m going to suggest he hire a housekeeper and cook. Namely myself.
Perhaps there will be time to check out the muzzleloader Roger Shafer has to sell. I’m going to explore muzzle loading as my next hunting venture.
My cheeks feel glowy warm. My body is in near perfect health. The woods, and my friends here, have blessed me again with their love.
Billy is letting me set up his little house trailer as a getaway, hideaway. it’s going to take some work, but it will quite adequate when repaired and appointed.
All in all, a week to forever remember.
Role Call
At dawn,
in eternity,
when we’re called
into rank and formation,
and the roll call is read,
will they read our names?
And will we be there to answer,
“I am here!”
“I am here”.
Chastised
The Lord chastised me. I discerned this. I had begun to live out of a profit motive, viewing all circumstances in what they meant in dollars and cents.
Also, I was reminded that he desires chastity of me.
And lastly, obedience means that I give a tithe, and more, to the monastery with which I am connected.
Beware
I learn as I venture back into the mainstream of life, that dangers are everywhere. Danger and tragedy, difficulty and strife, have many faces. Wherever one ventures, always, always, be aware.
Whether driving, at work, traveling, in the woods, in the kitchen or shop, always be aware. For tragedy invents new faces daily. For difficulty awaits as a trap or snare, to catch the unaware.
The Way Life Is
When I was a child, I fell on the sidewalk and clunked my head. I remember thinking, “this is so horrible, I’m sure nothing like this can ever happen again.” Well, I have endured much difficulty over the years. And have learned we one must be circumspect, cautious, in all our ways. To avert troubles before they occur.
Taking a Class
Okay, it looks like I’m finally getting into word processing. I realize this could open up a world of opportunity for me. I’ll be able to send businesslike letters and correspondences. I’ll be able to type up my poetry. I’ll be able to go back to college. Finally, there is a way I can begin to craft the novel I’d promised myself I’d write so many years ago.
Ten years ago I bought an expensive Panasonic typewriter. I’d also purchased a manual on how to type, and typing tutor software. I took two semesters of keyboarding in night school, and an intro to computers in college. My goal was to write the novel that would rock the modern world. But writing on an old style typewriter was cumbersome and difficult.
Other concerns crept in. Earlier this month. I hoed through all my possessions, throwing all unneeded stuff into liquor cartons, and carried it all out to the garage. Preparing for a trip to the dump.
Now, I’ll have to go through the cartons, making certain I have not discarded the letters and journals I’ll need to write the novel that will rock the world.
Observation: The coveting of stardom begins to look repulsive, after awhile.
Insight: A man who often retreats inward to a place of quiet bliss will have a gentle, yet confident, spirit.
Journal entry 12/28/98
I have had flu symptoms off and on now for six weeks. This is a sign of a granualcytosis, a blood disease that is a side effect Clozaril, the medication I use. It amounts to drug induced leukemia.
I won’t know whether or not this problem has arisen until my next blood test, tomorrow.
This makes me think. I have held the belief that a person cannot develop a strong and virtuous character unless he is free from suffering and pain. Extreme illness would leave a person sick in bed. It would be difficult for someone bedridden to contribute to the causes of life, it may seem.
But even the bedridden invalid battling and suffering may be fighting a valiant fight. Here the ground fought for is inner sanctification, and the salvation of humankind. As well, a man arising from his sickbed is often to the better, because of his struggle. Now I see that, in faith, greatness is the growth that occurs when we live through challenges.
I have often lamented that I would never bring to humankind, my community and family, the guidance and love my heart desired to share. I have often lamented that I would fail because of the disease, schizophrenia, which I suffer.
However, now I see that there are certain factors I can control. And in successful control in the areas that I am able, light is shed through one’s life. Many times that burdening disease becomes the transforming and sanctifying fire.
Greatness is not freedom from challenge, but successfully living through suffering. Whenever faith is grasped, under pains weight, something good occurs. Though this good is not always acclaimed by conscious recognition.
I have always held my life could never come to fullness as long as I take any form of anti-schizophrenic medication. The medication itself a poison to vital spiritual processes. However, I see that I have succeeded now in self disciplines of many forms, even though I’ve been on medication. As long then, as medicines do not destroy the inner man, and the inner man is developed through faith and discipline in the face of challenges, that true leadership may be borne through my life, even in the face of disease.
And if, God forbid, I am forced against my will to take a medication that causes my focus and discipline to disintegrate, my heart lives on in God, and God lives on in my heart. One is ascended. If the State forces me to take a medication that crumbles my will, and causes me to fall again into serious sin, then I will have but one prayer. Merciful Jesus, ascended be my soul.
12/29/98
I have fallen into deep sin, many times. Not through my own dark will, but because of the mechanism of the State, it’s drugs and it’s doctors.
However, I have always come clean, found my way back into God’s grace and peace. If the desire for holiness is truly seated within, it is evident to me here, that a soul will always find it’s way back into the presence of God.
Christmas Poem 1998
When I awoke,
and looked outside,
on a snowy winter morn,
the sun a glistening,
on flakes of snow just born.
Icicles hanging,
from eaves and trees,
as prisms in the sun.
Newborn under blanket white,
new day, new life begun.
Daystar brilliant,
shining bright.
Light to all that is.
Hope and faith a promise,
to all that breathes and lives.
The birth of life
incarnate,
come to guide the way.
Save us from the frigid dark.
Laud the break of day.
The birth of our Dear Savior,
a sparkling Christmas dawn.
Born of virgin purity,
God’s lamb, or peaceful lamb.
Breathless beauty,
stir within.
God within us born.
Come My Lord, Emmanuel,
this shining Christmas morn.
May peace and joy
within thee reign,
and death to ills and fears,
Bounteous blessings follow thee,
and many happy years.
And bounteous blessings follow thee,
and many happy years.
Contemplation
Walk in faith.
Live each day well.
Keep peace of inner being.
And clarity of mind.
Think deeply,
make good decisions.
Apply your will, in healthy measure,
as your inner man advises.
Accept your destiny,
as a succession of days well lived.
Have faith.
Live each day totally.
Take proper food and rest..
And then release yourself,
completely into the hands of God.
Perseverance and Conviction
At age forty three years,
I am just beginning to understand
what conviction
and perseverance are.
Conviction
meant learning
to be comfortable
without drugs or alcohol,
forever.
Learning to live
in chastity,
against normal desire.
Praying hard
on one’s knees,
every
single
day.
Perseverance
has meant studying
for years and years.
Working hard at a business,
for years and years.
laboring at building
relationships,
endless giving.
Continuing to move forward,
with each bit of progress
such a struggle.
I stand
transformed,
converted ,
reborn.
And determined
to continue on.
House Aflame
The flame of brotherhood
is life itself.
Alive the holy flame.
In each brother’s offering
is borne another’s name.
Flames of friendship
reaching skyward.
In friendship is our Lord.
Within the stone of brotherhood
is found the holy word.
Don the wings
of spirit flight,
and armor for the war.
In lifting up a brother’s life
It’s Christ that we adore.
Bring thyne offering,
of love and food and warm.
The crackling fires.
Upraised hands.
We’re sheltered from the storm.
So raise the cup,
and break the bread.
Let the music play.
We’re walking toward forever,
by living well today.
Brotherhoods
true friendship,
written in the sky.
Spirits now in unity.
How high now shall we fly!
The fire of brotherhood
is God himself,
within it’s holy flame.
In each one’s offering,
is borne another’s name.
In each one’s offering,
is borne a brother’s name.
Regarding Fasting
I believe that fasting is a powerful supernatural tool.
For those who believe that life is a battle of opposing forces of darkness and light, good and evil, fasting is a wonderful and terrible weapon in one’s spiritual arsenal.
Fasting can change the face of reality, even the very substance of reality. Evils can be obliterated, great good set into motion yes, great good brought into being through the fast.
Fasting can be terrible, as well. It can tear the veil we call sanity. It can, and will cause extreme physical weakness. Beyond weakness is starvation, hollow hallways, the valley of death. if a man or woman had the desire, the will and wisdom enough to know when to quit, fasting could be both a way and an answer.
Personally, I brought great hardship down upon myself through fasting without guidance. I lost my mental balance, nearly starved to death, and ended in a hospital.
And now I have the feeling I have changed the world the world in some immeasurable and indefinable way. My mind has found clarity, space, and peace.
My body is older, weaker, and slower, but sensitive and clean.
I think that three days on fruit and vegetable juices once every two weeks would be more than enough. The key would be constancy and steadiness, not the huge kill of forty desert days as did Jesus and Moses. (In the days before mental institutions).
A better place to begin would be meatless Fridays and the recitation of The lord’s Prayer each day.
Thought – Hypothesis
I begin to sense, that when my aura is complete and shining, when my aura is bright, all things go well. I smile, and I’m healthy, have money, the trucks go well.
When the aura is bright I am warm, not worried, and relationships are all OK. This brings me to a hypothesis.
Suppose, that instead of living life, and having a basic religious foundation, and herein letting the auric foundation follow, suppose that a person, first, labored to create and maintain a brilliant aura, and let the external circumstance follow. Let the labors, possessions, and the external experience follow.
First, this would require the creation of self awareness. First, the ability to assess the quality and nature of one’s aura. Secondly, learning what is required to build and maintain the aura.
Create a sphere of ecstatic light. Prayers, and works, proper diet and exercise. Yes, we must all labor at our jobs, and on our properties, in our pastimes and relationships.
But, when we work too hard, when we chase too hard after the physical manifestations our aura is weakened or broken. And then all for which we sacrificed disappears. Work too hard, damage the aura, and loose that for which you labored so dearly.
Rather, learn to be psychically and mentally aware of auric quality. Yes, seek ye first the Kingdom, the Kingdom always at hand, and all things will be added unto you.
Guard the auric brilliance, for when the aura is brilliant, all is well, all must be well. Could this be a key, to a true spirituality? A spirituality that includes success.
Sunday 2/14/99
This is my first retreat at Billy’s trailer, which I shallcall my hermitage. I made the trip down here to buy another hunting rifle. A weapon called a muzzle loader. I’ll have an extra week of hunting each fall, for there is a special muzzle loader season.
I intend to spend the night here, in this camp in the woods. It may get too cold in the middle of the night. It may get too dark, too quiet, too alone. I may get uncomfortable, uneasy, unnerved, or sense ghosts. But this is why I am here.
Keep me safe, Oh lord! Keep me safe from my illness, Oh Lord. Keep me safe from fear, Oh Lord. Keep me from poverty Oh Lord. keep me from loneliness, Oh Lord.
Keep me safe in my times here, at Billy’s trailer, my hermitage.
First Night at the Hermitage
I looked upon the starry sky,
It’s breathtaking beauty,
and I said, “Thy ways, Oh Lord, are marvelous”
Thy ways, Oh Lord, are wondrous”.
I love thee, and praise thee, Oh Lord.
So I spent decades cleaning and gardening. I worked hard, but didn’t become wealthy, I found happiness. I lived a monastic lifestyle. Working through the day, and prayer in the evening. Business books when due. Taking care of my customers, the boys that worked with me, and most importantly, my parents. I kept these journals up to date. And herein is my life’s work.
Thought: Thinking of Jesus walking on the water. Some saw it and exclaimed, “a miracle!” But a gainsayer in the crowd said, “not so much, he got both his hems and his feet wet”.
Oh Lord
As you walked upon the waves,
Oh Lord,
Ascended from the graves,
Oh Lord.
As you healed the ill,
Oh Lord,
fed thousands on the hill,
Oh Lord.
As you touched the lame,
Oh Lord.
From the Heavens came,
Of Lord.
Your blood shed on the hill,
Oh Lord,
For us thy blood did spill,
Oh Lord.
You helped the blind to see,
Oh Lord.
And rose to set men free,
Oh Lord.
A shining first day morn,
Oh Lord.
In Thee my soul reborn,
Oh lord.
Let my path be straight,
Oh Lord,
And leads to Heaven’s gate,
Oh Lord.
Let my path be straight,
Oh Lord,
And leads to Heaven’s gate,
Oh Lord.
New Year’s Eve
Protect me Lord,
I pray.
Guide me, keep me,
on Thy way.
Keep us within
thy peaceful joy.
Every girl,
and every boy.
Yes,
let thy Kingdom
dawn within.
Free in joy,
and safe from sin.
Yea,
thy Kingdom
upon us fall.
Health and peace,
for one and all.
Come now,
Oh Lord,
I humbly pray.
Tarry not,
Oh Lord,
another day.
Now, Dear Lord,
thy Spirit fall,
Bless us one,
and Bless us all.
Yes, Dear lord
thy Spirit fall.
Bless us one,
and bless us all!
Called to be Saints of Wisdom
Today, Lance and I worked together. We were cleaning our friend’s new home, as a house warming for him, before he move in. As I washed the high kitchen cupboards, I had a revelation of who we are, and what we are to become.
Artists, yes. Teachers, yes. Skilled workers, yes. Healers, yes. Elements of community, yes.
We likened ourselves, in our discussion, to a saint, or an angel. Some kind enlightened being.
We all, in this growing community of ours, have a powerful sense of destiny. We feel the desire for fame.
Lance, Brian, and Justin desire rock and roll fame. I visualize myself as an artist. Or a great businessman, or a saint healer. Why so many leadings, I ask myself. Such a confusion of separate, yet special callings.
Then I saw clearly, we are called first to become people of wisdom. Our art, business, healing touch, community, spirituality, are second to the divine wisdom we are called to live within and share. As branches from the stock and root of holy wisdom.
Yes, we may well become men of destiny. We may well claim fame. And it will be as wise men first, and seekers of peace and truth. Having wisdom in life’s ways, revelation, working for a dollar, all the ways of life. Perhaps learning how to handle a gun, to fight for freedom, if need be.
Yes, it is wisdom who is calling us. To be seers, brothers, artists, teachers, saints,. To penetrate the veil, and again emerge. Wisdom shall be our destiny. Wisdom shall be our fame.
Mother Therese
There are many levels of involvement. Many way of being involved. There is prayer, thought, deed, affiliation, vocation and avocation.
Look at Mother Therese, who helped so many. Through simplicity, and humble service. She shattered the lie that success must wear silk and diamonds.
Consideration:
I have had the good fortune to have fought in many spiritual wars. The ongoing reign of terror in our asylums, is a never ending spiritual war. The outcome of this war bears heavily on life in the outside world. When the force of good reigns in the asylum, the whole of creation is blessed. Our mentally ill may be our most effective and important intercessors. Many have laid down their lives that all can be well. Many have died as martyrs, totally misunderstood. In shame, and without dignity, they have laid down their lives as the foundations of peace and freedom.
Most people do not know about the ongoing reign of terror. Now as a free man, it is when the world goes to sleep at night, that I take up my weapons and engage the adversary.
I have fought tooth and nail for decades. My sacrifice has changed, for the better, the course of history. The work I did as an inpatient, in a reign of terror, was undoubtedly my most important. As the prayer of a righteous man availeth much. As my soul ascended from a terrible hell, I was greeted into a changed world.
But there is still much to do. There is still evil to be slain, and mountaintops to be attained.
When I was taken to the State Police barracks in Watertown, in 1985, a chaplain was called. We read, together from the Bible the Book of Daniel, chapter 12. Starting with verse 1. The chaplain comforted me. He said to me that “whenever a holy man is unjustly taken prisoner, miracles will follow”. And miracles did follow, and continue to follow. Read the “Hydrocodone Chronicles”, in this collection.
I f you would like to help me in this endeavor, please send your assistance to:
Michael McLean
P.O. Box 62
Waterport , N.Y. 14571
Mike Gallo’s Place
I went down to Mike Gallo’s place to help him with some chores. We had a light hearted banter going. This poem ensued.
Breakfast ay Mary’s,
mud slinging tyrtles.
Road sleeping,
tire biting wolfdogs.
Tree climbing goats.
106 hardwood stakes.
And the ashes
of a secret service agent.
4-06-09 A Dream
I just had a dream.
I was standing on the grounds at the psych center, a shovel in my hand, patients all around. Billy, my lifelong friend, was telling my friends,” If you want better sex, dig for more than minutes, be tantric”.
Then I was digging with a pick in a cave. I quickly found a beautiful relic. A thunderbird, seven feet across. It’s face looked like Liz’ face, Billy’s sister. And the cave was filled with light. Then God’s voice exclaimed to me, almost angrily. “You’re standing on the gold plates.” “I’ve shown you where the gold is”. “THIS IS YOUR ANSWER’’. ‘’THIS IS YOUR ANSWER’’.
I awoke with a start, and got down on my knees to pray.
A Dream
A Dream from two years ago:
We were all lost in a maze. The maze was called the house of crack and whores. As we escaped the power of these sins, we found our way out of the maze.
Instantly we were in a plane. I was piloting. My friends were with me. We were coming in for a smooth landing. The lights of a city beneath us. All was well. We broke into song. “Giddy up scout, we’re on our way now, giddy up scout, we’re on our way”
This dream occurred to me one and a half years ago. Although it was unusually lucid, I dismissed it as just a bizarre dream. None of my friends, I thought, would have anything to do with crack or whores. Now, I see, I was wrong. These boys and their friends have been into a host of evils.
And I understand the meaning of this dream. It is that their lives will not come into fruition, until they separate themselves from these horrible sins. Their dreams of success and stardom will remain a fantasy until they take these very first steps against evil.
Ministry of Lost Hats
I am in the ministry of lost hats. It is mine to share a blessing by leaving my hats behind, losing one hat after another. All in various places. Last night the band played a show in Lockport. On the surface it was a party. On a deeper level, it was an occasion for me to leave a hat behind.
I have been called to lead the nations, And to leave my hats behind.
Democracy
A successful democracy
is a succession of small
small,
internal ,
revolutions.
Each generaion
is called
to resurrect
justice,
and truth.
Plan To Get the Gold. #1
I had a strong intuitive lead that I had discovered the location of a valuable sacred relic. Buried in a patch of woods in Elmira, New York. That is a story unto itself. This next short entry is my plan to excavate the spot, and claim the treasure that would make me both rich and famous. The relic I sought was the golden plates referred to in the Book of Mormon. I was certain the exact location had been revealed to me by psychic forces. It was just a matter of recovering it. But when I got down there the entire area had been leveled with a bulldozer. All my landmarks were gone.
I located professional archeologists through the University of Buffalo Archeology Department. Twice now, I have been over the area with professionals with different types of metal detectors, to no avail.
I was first lead to the spot in 1985. Now, thirty eight years later, as I sit here sane and sober, I still believe there might be something there. The intuitive leadings were that strong. There is a hand drawn map in the journal labeled IX.
When we get to the monastery, we will unpack and get settled. Then we will drive to the city, and try to remember the location of the crypt. We will bring pick and shovel, an axe and a wheelbarrow.
If the land is still under patrol, we will ask permission to dig. If permission is denied we’ll temporarily table the mission until another plan is made. If permission is made, we’ll dig down several feet, and try to settle this question once and for all.
Fly, White Dove Fly
The band was a source of light. And a group of friends. Three girls from Ithaca came to stay at the band house, with us. It was wonderful having their company. Someone to share with. Some to have fun and break the rules with. One of the girls was named Denise Rose. All was not well with her. It was evident there were health issues, though she wouldn’t talk about it.
She disappeared one morning, without word. News got back to us three days later that she had gone over the falls. Too young to die.
Fly, White Dove fly.
New Life begun.
Strife’s end, White Dove,
blue sky, warm sun.
Innocence perishing,
the unborn die,
Send freedom, truth,
from holy high.
Bombs and guns,
in streets and schools.
Violence, hatred,
fear, no rules.
War in distant lands,
doth destruction bring.
tragedy has fallen,
amidst the breath of spring.
Tears upon the bleeding heart,
blooms begin to grow.
Within the garden new,
raindrops, tears of woe.
Somewhere in death’s mystery,
heads bowed, and tear drops fall,
His presence softly whispering,
“there is no death at all”.
Mourn not the hour of dark and cold,
feel the breath of spring.
Light within us, now behold.
White Dove fly, take wing.
Light within us, now behold.
White Dove fly, take wing.
To My Brothers and Sisters on the Psych.Wards
To my brothers and sisters who today are living on the psych wards. Take hope and courage. God loves you, and He will make a way for you. Do not despair. Pray quietly and without ceasing. Exercise your body. Try to eat right. Try drawing or writing. Keep your faith. Good things will come. Yes, they certainly will.
Free
Open my eyes slowly, Lord.
Lest I be blinded,
by the new day’s light.
Slow down,
dawn so bright.
Straight talk.
Straight walk.
White oak tree.
Diving bird.
Rising fish.
Free,
beyond free.
This Day
This day,
I give to thee. Oh Lord.
Guide me,
with thy Holy Word.
Enlightened path,
protecting sword.
Warming blanket,
pleasant chord.
This day, My Lord,
I give to Thee.
and thank you
for fraternity.
Brothers wild,
brothers strong,
brothers high,
and lost in song.
I thank thee
for these nights of fun.
and pray, one day,
these souls be won.
Thy presence, Lord,
upon us be.
Set us right,
and make us free.
Away the spirits,
gray and darken.
To angelic voices
hearken.
Show us all,
thy truth so pure.
Upon the rock,
steady, sure.
Safe now from
the threat of storm.
High and dry,
safe and warm.
Take these hearts,
and guide my friends.
Life, salvation,
be our end.
Thy praises, Lord,
soon let us pray.
Onward,
to the dawning day.
Thy praises, Lord,
to sing and pray.
Soon to greet
a brand new day.
Soon to greet
a brand new day.
Consider
Yes, I know the young man
desires to be a rock star,
famous and rich.
But there are some things
more important
than fame and fortune.
Consider honor.
Integrity.
Honesty.
Purity.
Excellence.
Holy strength.
More important than all worldly gain is to have the spirit of the living God alive within thy being.
More important than all worldly gain is to have the Spirit of the Living God alive within thy soul.
Consider
If the young man were a rock star, he’d be using drugs and drink, at all times, on all days. Having to go to work requires getting some good sleep, some good food, and a break from the drugs and alcohol.
Having to work develops the mind and body. It forces him to awaken early. Working through the day gives him time to think while not drunk or high.
He curses having to labor. But his needing to labor may be his salvation.
Realize
Building a business is done slowly, laboriously. Learning to estimate and bid. To know what a job will involve. To track the flow of funds. To command authority. To maintain equipment, and organize time.
To learn to have faith in God, with oneself, and in the process.
To train helpers
To deal with people,
Diligence, patience, to pace oneself, and this is just the beginning.
The Power
If a man or woman,
boy or girl,
resolved to get down
on one’s knees and pray,
morning, afternoon, and evening,
every single day,
forever more,
this sacrifice would bring to bear
a world changing,
life changing
power.
Consider
In our society, it is thought good to retire. And retiring early is considered a privilege. Consider, however, the loss of income and the loss of gainful activity. The mind and body atrophy. As one has few mental and physical challenges, the man weakens. Then in idle days and years, little unimportant things seem to become huge problems. One obsesses over small things as if they were huge matters.
One becomes angry needlessly, and slight misdeeds or oversights are taken as great transgressions.
The idle retired man attempts to live through the lives of others, controlling those around him. He is enraged when his wise advice is not followed.
Though in this day that retirement is the custom, I suggest a man think twice before committing himself to idleness for the rest of his life.
Prayer For a Sunday Night
Dear Lord,
I praise Thee.
I thank Thee.
I adore Thee.
Dear Lord,
I worship Thee,
for Thou art good.
Dear Lord,
I glorify Thee,
for Thou art wonderful.
I thank Thee,
for the week just passed.
And now I ask your blessings
upon the next seven days.
That in the next week,
your angels will be all around us.
Your Holy Spirit within us.
That in this next week
You will be glorified.
Good will come.
We will be safe.
And enjoy our labors.
Help to solve the problems that arise.
Help to shed joy and goodwill,
to work with joy and competence.
Yes Lord,
your blessings
will fall upon is.
For this
I praise Thee.
I thank Thee.
I adore Thee.
I worship Thee.
Glorify Thee,
And honor Thee.
Halleluiah!
Amen.
Consider
As we love one another, we receive from the Greater Power.
Humor
I had a date with destiny. I made myself ready. I was all pressed and polished. All preparation were made. I was there, yes I was there. But destiny, Destiny, never showed up.
*This is humor. Your reading this is the fulfillment of my destiny. In reality, we have been begging God endlessly for a generation to send His revival. I’m growing short on patience, I’m growing short on time. God I can’t wait anymore. SEND THE REVIVAL LORD. THE LATTER RAIN. THE GREAT VICTORIOUS MOVE OF YOUR SPIRIT, NOW!
Thought
At 44 years of age, I am becoming aware of some of the subtle effects of aging.
A Miracle I can Do
I realize now,
a miracle I can do.
If there was anger
and frustration
in the air,
pout and snit,
a whole gamut of bad vibes,
I could open a Bible,
here at the dining room table,
with all of us sitting around.
And if you all
would just open
your hearts and minds,
and pray for an hour
with me,
here,
and now,
I could bring down
love,
and joy,
and peace,
where base,
and sinful emotions
had thrived.
We could enter a peace
where God’s
miracle working presence
exists.
Yes, it is clear now,
here.
That I can do!
Let us enter
again, and again, and again,
together.
God’s Holy Peace,
and Joy.
Continuation of Journal 6 12-21-22 From Notebook numbered X
My Calling
I know now what I’m supposed to do. I’m going to move to the Adirondack Mountains in northern New York State. I will start my life anew there. This is my call.
I will go there with my strengths, my talents, and faith. I will study the mountains, the woods, and the waters. I will study the fauna, and the flora. I will let it guide and inspire me. I will guide people on wilderness quests and adventures. I will become active in the community. I will join the church and it’s choir.
I will continue to develop my art forms, and take whatever work necessary to pay my bills. I will rent an apartment with a guest room. There my visiting guests can sleep. I will stay pure, healthy and chaste, to let God’s light shine through me.
I’ll need three thousand dollars to make the move. So, I’ll have to work hard, and stay focused. I’ll have to plan and execute this carefully. And, it will be a wonderful adventure. I’m going to live in the cold Adirondacks. I’m going to live in the North Woods.
The move to the mountains didn’t happen. Circumstances did not allow it. I had to deal with the burglary at my apartment, which really set me back. And then I found myself walking Mom and Dad through their end of life. I ended up about 60 miles from Buffalo, on the southern shore of Lake Ontario. I am in Carlton, in Orleans County, as I write here tonight.
Thought : The Western Paradigm
The western paradigm is a belief system that reality is defined by what can be logically deduced through the observations of the five senses.
It makes no room for things like love, faith, miracles, intuitions, or the reasons for the existence of life itself.
Our logical, scientific thoughts must be tempered with reverence for to divine, or they will lead to deceit, not truth, and death, not life.
On Choosing Friends
I have grown friendships with a group of young men and woman here in my hometown. I have learned to love these people as friends, and they love me in return. The whole group of them, however, has serious drug problems, and many of them are involved in the occult. The rock band, and it’s hopes for fame and glory. They have confided their secrets with me, things I will not reveal.
Nevertheless, if I were to begin to build a circle of friends, anew, I would not choose a group of friends with such severe adversities before them. I would choose idealistic and good people, enthusiastic and energetic. People who are doing well in this world, with the Hope of Life in the next.
Once friendships are made, it is hard to get out of them. And having friends so deep in sin is a difficult burden.
Observation
I observe , now, after having been at hard work with my cleaning and gardening business for several years, that hard work eliminates anxiety and brings one peace and well being.
Observation
Rock and roll music was once, perhaps, the mouthpiece of the ongoing revolution we have called Democracy. Today, however, I fear it has degenerated into just another capitalistic scheme.
Observation
If one suffers anxiety, try 25mg. of Benadryl with a cup of coffee.
Observation
The anatomy of a successful two weeks up at Huth’s camp on Lake Kiwasssa was this:
#1) Make sure that no one gets stuck with too much work.
#2) Respect other’s possessions.
#3) Practice kindness in word and deed.
A successful communal experience is founded on these.
State of Grace
The Catholics speak of salvation as living in a state of grace. Living in a state of grace is continually growing closer to God. It is a general protection from temptation, and all manner of evils. It is not an absolute protection. The free will of true salvation must be constantly exercised. It is a tendency to stay on the true path. And a measure of physical protection.
Catch the moon, Joh.
Light a candle.
“I Am”.
And I love Thee Jesus.
Lord.
Brother
Savior.
A Good Worker
The true worker
must nourish his body
to have strength, stamina,
and clarity of mind.
The true worker must take proper rest
and keep his strengths.
Being an excellent worker
goes beyond the hours spent at work.
It is a life’s effort
of balance and self conservation.
For Men
The male body
produces much more
seed than necessary
for reproduction
and continuation
of the human species.
Shower,
say your prayers,
continue on.
Mom and Dad’s 50th. August 27th, 1999
Mom and Dad’s fiftieth anniversary was a big event. If the amount of Champaign and whiskey consumed is a true measure. Family and friends gathered around. Sandra put on a dinner suited to royalty. Old songs were resurrected, and another memory was made.
50th Anniversary celebration
for Rosalie and Vincent McLean
Reception
Anniversary Champaign toast
Wedding soup
Angel Hair Pasta Al Felleto
Mixed Greens salad
Chateaubriand
Boneless breast of Chicken
Twice baked potato and Fresh Mixed vegetables
Assorted Italian Pastries and Coffee
Cocktails and Dancing.
Dad typed a sheet of humor and lyrics to share with the guests. He attempted to get the gang singing, but it was quite a cacophony. It sounded more like a donkey braying than music.
The Way It Used To Be
Before the event of television, indeed before the event of even radio, people used to entertain themselves. Often an evening’s entertainment would consist of a group singing around a piano, or perhaps someone playing a guitar. The real event was the arrival of a traveling fair or a tent revival meeting. While the presenters were quite serious in their work, to the local people this was a not to be missed entertainment event of the first order. They arrived in horse drawn wagons, horseback, or walking to observe or perhaps participate in the excitement of the occasion. Since life on the farm was dereft of anything but drudgery, it did not take long to enliven the crowd. On the flat plains of Kansas on a hot Saturday summer evening, the itinerant preacher, the huckster, and the assorted camp followers were in their element. I suspect that CH3CH2OH had more than a little to do with it.
This song is from that time period modified to a latter audience. It has captivated the people of that time, and hopefully will continue to do so tonight. Conducting and threatening with his stick is maestro Harold Schatz.
CIGAREETS AND WHUSKY AND WILD WILD WOMEN
Chorus: Cigaretts and whusky and wild wild women, they’ll drive you crazy, they’ll drive you insane.
Once I was happy, and had a good wife.
I had enough money to last all my life.
I met with a gal, and we went on a spree.
She taught me to smoke and to drink whusky.
Chorus:
Cigaretts are a blot on the whole human race.
A man is a monkey with one in his face.
Here’s my definition, believe me dear brethren,
A fire on one end, and a fool on the tetheren.
Chorus:
Brother, repent or they’ll write on your grave,
To wimmun and whusky here lies a poor slave.
Take warning dear stranger, take warning dear friend,
They’ll write in big letters, these words at the end.
*Tetheren is not a typo. It is a contraction of “the other end”. Whusky would have been created by a local dialect, otherwise whiskey. Cigareets (small cigars) early description of paper tubes filled with shredded tobacco.
With apologies to the long suffering Todd family
But Dad was not the only long winded wordsmith taking part in the festivities. I celebrated the occasion with the writing of quite a bit of poetry, which follows in the continuation of the journal.
They taught. It was more than a vocation, a career. It was who they were, and are. They taught that every life changes the world, for the better or worse, if only in a quiet way. And in so teaching, they changed the world.
Whatever you do, do it well. Strive for honesty, integrity. Face your demons, admit your mistakes, and forgive yourself.
Drink in life’s beauty. A sunrise, a beautiful woman.
Work hard to prosper. Save your money. Conserve your resources.
Reward yourself too, occasionally.
Value peace of mind.
Don’t be too, too holy. Be just a little bit naughty, sometimes, just a little.
When someone does wrong, try to find a way to address the issue.
Don’t be a lightening rod, either.
Comfort another, argue and forgive.
Try new things, always be open minded, but not immoral.
Don’t carry a resentment, grudge, or prejudice.
Work hard. Pain purifies. It can be good, I think.
Cherish your true friends. Your few lifelong friends are great blessing. Be gladdened when you meet one at grocery store.
Adventure, travel, but don’t be reckless.
Respect the aged. Get them talking, and learn from what they may say.
Take time for the sick, family or friends.
Teach by your example. Discourage evil. Encourage and praise good work.
DAD: “Believe in the great good God something I’m pretty sure must be out there—-most of the time.
MOM:”Go to church, say your prayers”.
“Money rules, but don’t sell your soul for it”.
Enjoy cold beer. Ice cream. Chicken soup. Mom’s sauce. Camp in the mountain. The beach in Florida.
Tell funny jokes and stories, especially true ones.
Believe in the Great Mystery.
Take chances. Revere life. Redeem each day. Get up early.
Love family. Value our few traditions. Easter, Fourth of July, Thanks Giving, Christmas.
Sometime give gifts. For no reason at all.
Give the old street person a few bucks.
Guard your family. Don’t trust anyone. Not pauper, prince, nor priest.
Think back on Momma’s papa. And Papa’s momma.
Believe in wild raspberries, and jumping fish, fog on the lake at dawn, white lilies on the water.
Believe in huge trees, eternal oceans, and starry mountain nights.
BE GLADDENED.
Know how infinitely tiny we are, and yet believe that each life, each soul, no matter who we are, makes a difference.
You have to talk the talk, and walk the walk.
And in living this truth , teaching this truth, that each life makes a difference, that each soul makes a difference, they have made a difference.
In teaching that each and every one of us can make the world a better place, they have made the world a better place.
More for Mom and Dad’s 50th
Born healthy,
in the land of the free.
Taught to add,
and A B C.
Born to families
where rule was strong.
Love was treasured.
The way seemed long.
Dad served
in world war two.
Mom from a town,
of just a few.
Met in college,
in the smoking room.
Though neither puffed,
bride nor groom.
Married
in 1949.
After the war,
now peace time.
Teaching school
Eggertsville.
A long trek up,
life’s steep hill.
Then four children
blessed their home.
Counting pennies.
No time to roam.
A camp up north.
on Kiwassa Lake.
Every summer,
for goodness sake.
We learned to swim,
and hike and fish.
Revere nature,
starry wish.
The kids grew up,
and moved away.
Went to college,
work and Play.
Sandy’s art.
Sues a teacher.
Mike does gardens.
Jude’s a preacher.
Each reflecting
Mom and Dad.
Thankful now,
for all we’ve had.
We know right.
and we know love.
We know hard work,
blessed from above.
And now
we celebrate this day.
Fifty years,
what more to say?
Here’s my secret
from above,
True gold
in one another’s love.
Let’s bow our head,
and let us pray,
in joyous thanks,
for this great day.
Let the wine
and music flow.
For fifty years,
a golden glow.
Now a golden
fifty years.
Raise your glass
in joyous cheers.
To celebrate
my parents here.
Let us raise our cups
in cheer.
From starry heights
may blessings fall.
Health and joy
on one and all.
Yes,
from starry heights
may blessings fall.
Health and Joy
to one and all.
Contemplation
Goodness, justice, peace cannot be instilled in a nation through the simple passing of laws, and the threat of punishments, alone. Rather a just social state must engender a love of righteous goodness within the hearts and minds of it’s citizens.
Contemplation
I am helping customers of mine get settled in their new home. The place is a mansion. They are well off. The lady of the house cannot awaken before eleven. I asked her why she doesn’t have a cup of coffee. She says she drinks iced tea, when she gets up, to help her awaken. Then I got a whiff of her breath. The poor woman has to have a vodka and iced tea first thing every morning. A tragedy.
Alas, covet not another’s circumstances. I in my poverty, am much better off than she in her wealth.
Contemplation
While in prayer, I heard a voice say, “you’re loosed, freed, from your poverty, your sickness, your loneliness. Now be on your way.
“You have been prepared, raised up, strengthened”, I heard the soft voice say, “for a special time and purpose, that is now and here, today”.
Faith is a Beautiful Prayer
Faith is a beautiful song,
new chorus,
breath,
sweet air,
calming melody,
harmony.
Always returning to prayer.
Faith, a beautiful song,
saving gift,
life, to share,
strength of friendship,
fellowship.
And then returning to prayer.
Faith is a beautiful song,
ascending steps,
a stair,
ebb and flow,
a rhythm.
Always returning to prayer.
Faith is a beautiful song.
God’s presence,
now,
everywhere.
Heaven’s peace
on earth,
And then returning to prayer.
Heaven’s peace
on earth,
And then returning to prayer.
Contemplation
The soaring hawk
feels not
the reassurance
of earth underfoot.
But rather
the exhilaration
of flight.
Thought
Today,
I kill
three deer,
and
my sins
are
forgiven.
Prayer
We are saved
by our art,
our writing,
our labor,
our prayer.
Meditation,
passive,
powerful
against evil.
Prayer,
silent,
secret,
annihilating evils.
Violence,
disease,
hatred,
injustice,
darkness in all it’s forms.
Eliminated,
countered,
negated,
in prayer’s
silent,
secret,
and often sweet,
mystery.
Simple folks
Onvelopes,
Offalopes,
Cantalopes,
Canalopes,
Buffalopes,
simple folks,
sitting on the porch.
Antelopes,
Uncalopes,
You elope,
we elope,
I hope,
you hope,
carryin’ the torch.
Hold the hope,
smell like soap,
learn to cope,
say no to dope,
better pray and mind yourself,
‘cause hell fires scorch.
Don’t grope,
grab the rope,
write the pope.
use the scope,
better work
and mind yourself,
cause hellfires scorch.
better work,
and mind yourself,
cause hellfires scorch.
A Cold Night in the Trailer
One never knows,
tonight might be
my last night on earth.
I sit here writing
in the dark,
while lanterns pour out
noxious fumes.
I’ve opened a window
for fresh air.
Soon I’ll crawl
into my sleeping bag,
lantern flames glowing
for precious warmth
on this cold night.
And I pray guardian angels
guard my life,
protect me,
awaken me,
early,
before first light.
May tomorrows dawn
bring a beautiful day,
sun shining through
orange and red leaves.
Squirrels tumbling and chattering,
geese flying overhead.
And a deer,
slain and hung,
for the freezer,
and wintertime feasts.
Hunter I Am
This day I kill the deer,
primitive man
I am.
Waiting silently,
in forest calm.
I draw the bow,
and send the arrow flying,
piercing my quarry’s lungs,
It staggers, and bleeding
falls.
I am warrior,
hunter.
Victorious.
Primitive man, I am.
Waiting silently,
in forest deep.
Aunt Vicki’s Passing
Victoria, Aunt Vicki, and I were very close. She always welcomed me into her home. There were those who could see passed my mental issues, letting true friendship grow. There will always be a place in my heart for those few who allowed me into their lives.
Victoria, my dear aunt died
two weeks ago.
We were very close,
I’d visited her many times
over the years.
She was an artist,
I am an artist.
She revered nature,
I revere nature.
She loved family.
I love family.
And she had faith in God,
as I do.
We shared the love of life.
I needed to back to her house,
to go into her room.
I wanted to sense
where her spirit was.
There were paintings of white mansions
over her bed.
I found myself gazing at a statue of the Virgin,
and pictures of loved ones
on the mirror.
I did not sense death,
I sensed life.
I did not feel defeat,
I felt victory.
I did not sense despair,
but jubilation.
Victoria, warrior victorious,
in life’s greatest battle.
This great battle of good over evil,
life over death,
light over darkness.
She’ happier now,
than she ever could have been here.
Eternally in the bliss
of God’s presence.
Thanksgiving
Hey Guys!
I’m healthy,
I’m sane,
All my ghosts have been slain!
Family
Family is our greatest treasure.
And also our greatest burden.
As our parents generation passes,
the responsibility of making it work,
is falling upon our shoulders.
We must learn to communicate well,
to listen, give, and receive.
For family will fail or succeed,
as we learn or fail to learn,
sacrifice or fail to sacrifice,
love or fail to love.
Flame
(1.)
As I work outside in the cold fall rain,
I begin to see fire as a symbol.
We sit around the fire,
as man has done for ten thousand generations.
The fire’s name is family.
It’s warmth is called love.
It’s light is called faith.
We must,
each one of us,
lay logs on the fire,
to keep the flames alive.
The logs are named,
kindness,
patience,
honesty,
sharing,
temperance,
sacrifice.
We must each fuel the fire,
lest we perish in the cruel cold of separation,
and stumble into the frigid black of hell.
(2.)
Sit with me now,
at fire tonight,
where I can see the flames reflections
dancing in your eyes.
let the Spirit whisper “We Are”.
Love God.
Love nature.
Love one another.
For there is none other,
Father,
Mother,
Sister,
Brother,
I Am,
We Are.
(3.)
I am sorry for the times I’ve hurt you.
I am sorry for the times I’ve ignored you.
You are my blood.
I am yours.
I cannot,
will not,
harm,
nor deceive you.
For we act
in the will of God.
For we live the will
of our forbearers.
(4.)
Let me share what’s on my heart,
in kindness.
Please listen.
Share with me your burden,
please talk.
Let no anger nor confusion
quench the sacred flame.
Let the fire burn,
for it is goodness.
We are Life,
We Are.
I must go inside now.
For I am wet and cold.
To lay a log upon the embers,
and stir the Holy Flame.
Wanting to be liked
Wanting too much to be liked is not good. As a business person, being liked can help you to succeed.
As a Christian, being liked will help you to get your message across. But no matter who you are, or what you do, some people will not like you.
Be honest with yourself. Be the best person you can be in every relationship, and every area of your life. Prayerfully engage difficult persons and situations. Commit all circumstances to the Lord’s hands. And then have peace.
Sex Ed.
I remember sex education in elementary school. The teacher described to us how a child is conceived. He described the mechanics, what goes where. Then he told us that every one of us was created this way.
I was horrified. “This cannot be true!”I argued. “Why that’s just impossible”. “No”, the teacher countered, “it’s not a dirty thing”.”It’s the way life is carried on”. Still stunned I raised my voice in denial, “well maybe all you were made that way, but not me. I was made ……..” And then I found myself speechless as I searched for words.
Dec. 26th
The deer season has ended. I did not take a deer. This perplexed and disappointed me. Time and time again, I was foiled by coincidence. A shift in the wind, the turning of my head, the lifting of my gaze. This at first enraged me. There is pressure now, within my chest.
The poetic nature of a hunting trip. A deer will come by. The question is, “will I be ready?”
Proverb: The old lock is a snap to open, if you have the right key.
The Soul
I’m realizing that the primary order of creation is the creation of our souls. How we think, speak, and act determines how our soul is created, it’s form and brightness. We need to believe that the creation of a strong and beautiful soul within is singularly life’s most important responsibility. If one faithfully tends to this duty, God himself will come and reside within. And when this person’s body dies, his eternal soul lives on. For God is perfect joy and peace, and cannot ever perish.
Choosing Happiness
CHOOSING TO BE POSITVE AND HAPPY IS AN ONGOING BATTLE. WHEN TROUBLES ARISE, ONE MUST WILLFULLY LIFT HIS THOUGHTS ABOVE, TO HIGHER THINGS. THIS CAN BE A REAL CHALLENGE. BUT IT PART OF ONE’S STRUGGLE IN TH BATTLE AGAINST EVIL.
A Building
Think of Catholicism as a stone house, beautifully furnished. It’s floor is the sacraments. It’s walls are the commandments. The roof is it’s rites, and furnishings it’s traditions. It is a strong and comfortable building, providing a shelter we call salvation.
The Fire Has Cooled
When I gave my life to God,
the Light entered me.
It was too, too bright.
blindingly bright.
When the fires of trial cleansed me,
the flames were too, too hot,
driving me insane.
Now that the rage has passed ,
the light dimmed,
the fire cooled,
let me tell you son,
God and Satan still battle.
Good and evil still war.
Hell doth await the sinner,
and heaven the holy man.
Dangerous Position
Bob, Sandra, and I went down to Niagara Falls for an outing. They wanted film of the moving water, passing clouds, and billowing smokestacks for their video collection.
We went right down to the river. Bob hung out over the water filming, while Sandra held on to him by his belt. She reached out to me to stabilize her. I took her hand, and dug my heels into the dirt. I dug the Rosary out of my pocket, and just a bit fearfully prayed.
Wish
I would like a greenhouse. I would enjoy growing my own vegetables, broccoli, onions, tomatoes, twelve months of the year.
New Years 2000
Y2K
New Years day, 2000 A.D., has come and gone. The lights didn’t go out. Bombs didn’t fall. Dynasties did not fall.
On TV., we watched as the whole world celebrated. Continent, by continent, time zone by time zone. Fireworks, confetti, dancing, and song.
The national economy has never been stronger. This is a time of wealth and prosperity. Personally, I am about to buy a carpet cleaning machine. These are happy days.
Recollection
I remember a conversation Sandra, my sister, and I, had in the early summer of 1975. We were speculating about the future of Christianity in this world. We predicted that Christianity would disappear from the earth within our lifetimes. That it was an unneeded convention of human-kind.
I never foresaw, at that time, that I would become a Christian. I never guessed that I would give over my entire life to its spirit, mission, force and power.
A Gift
The Lord has blessed me.
He’s given me great peace.
The Lord has shown me,
mystically,
how to create peace.
He has shown me a way to pray,
supernaturally,
through which I can conduit
a blessed and healing presence.
Prophecy
prophecy,
is the white tail deer
silently pausing
on the wooded trail.
prophecy is a flower,
it’s roots deep in the earth,
and blossoming in the mind.
a nymph,
rising through the water.
reaching the surface,
to spread it’s wings to fly.
the Monarch,
emerging from it’s chrysalis.
prophecy,
as a bubble.
rising, expanding,
from belly to brain,
where it bursts into an idea,
that must be shared.
All Included
It occurs to me that in healthy, traditional, societies, the young adults would not segregate themselves from the old and the young. A people would be more balanced and stronger if all age groups interacted.
It seems to me that in our country, young adults separate themselves out of rebellion, and often because of the use of hard drugs.
The hard drug users seem to cling to one another in a very tight knot, admitting almost no one into their inner circle that is not a hard user.
The Hypothesis
My life as a Christian began with a hypothesis. It was a hypothesis of my own creation. It went something like this: “if you completely enter a state of pure sacrifice to God, and stay in that state, you will ultimately attain both salvation and glory. In this life”.
The problem is, the proving or disproving of this theory requires that one submit his or her whole life to the experiment. It is impossible to test the belief in God in a test tube. One cannot apply a minute amount of Jesus to just a few cells, and hope to discern or disprove divine law.
I gave my life to this hypothesis twenty five years ago. My pursuit of salvation and glory through faith and discipline has led me down a long and winding road. And now, many years later, I evaluate the results of this experiment. I can only say, I need more time. This hypothesis might bear out as true. It looks hopeful, but I can’t tell for sure.
There are many possible results of this experiment. They range from making one’s mark in history as a Christian leader, on one hand, to dying as an anonymous fool, on the other. With many degrees between the two extremes.
Today, I am healthy and happy, if not fulfilled, and do resolve to continue working to bear out the verity of “the hypothesis”.
“Daisy”
My cousin Sid lost his temper with me. He punched me in the face. We had a disagreement over a business deal. In our family, physical violence is not allowed.
Now, I could have avenged myself easily enough, if I had decided to. But I decided to simply walk away. Mom and Dad were angered when I told them of the incident.
Now Christmas was coming soon. And Christmas, as all my readers know, is a very holy and special day in this family. But Sidney was told not to come. He was not welcome, and would not have been allowed in had he come to the door.
Now time progressed, and the Easter season approached. And then in August Mom and Dad were planning a huge celebration for their 50th anniversary. Mom asked me to somehow mend things with Sid before the August celebrations.
Along with all this, I have my circle of friends. They’re partiers, and genuine rock and rollers. A new young girl appeared on the scene. Her name was Denise Rose, we called her Daisy. I’ve written of her before. She talked incessantly, She made our house her home. She just moved right in. Sometime she was an annoyance, but we all liked her anyhow.
Well Easter drew nigh. And Daisy asked me if I could take her to “a really cool music service”, at a church, on Easter night. I told her I would.
However Sid’s mom called me and invited me to an Easter dinner that Sid would be attending. She really pressured. Then Mom called and added more pressure. This Easter dinner would be the perfect time to mend things. So I begged out of my date with Daisy. I told her I really, really wanted to do things with her. But something important came up.
Easter came. I saw to the reconciliation. It went OK. Then two days later, as a group of us were at the house, one of Daisy’s friends came to the door. She said she had bad news. Daisy had committed suicide. She had gone over the falls.
We were at first shocked. Then figured it was a hoax. Then Tim, one of our men, called the Niagara Falls city police. And then we went right down to the park, to talk with the police. It was confirmed.
I’ve been anguishing over this. She asked me personally for time. I refused her. Sometimes a friend can successfully intervene. Sometimes all it takes is a friend, and a little time.
I’ve been wondering where she is now. How she is doing. I pray she is not suffering. Is she still working out her salvation? Or is it a done deal, the book closed?
Sandy my sister was planning a huge party for Bob, her husband’s fortieth birthday. She sent out cute little plastic ice-cubes as invitations. I set them on the back of my piano.
I was sitting at my piano, practicing, and mulling all this over. I had a thought. Maybe, if Daisy’s in trouble now, if she’s stuck in a nightmare, and there is almost no way out, she could still work things out. She could work things out by being a thought messenger for those of us still on this side. Perhaps she could finish working out her path by helping us work out ours.
Then I gazed at the plastic ice cubes from Sandy. I thought of Sandy, I thought of Daisy as thought messenger. The phone rang. It was Sandy.
Reflectivity
Often, when a person is far from the Lord, he looks out upon the world and sees unspeakable corruption. This person, full of sin, is unable to see his own error. In complete denial of his own inner darkness he sees the world and it’s people in horrible perdition. A world he knows that justice should destroy.
If this same person, however, could come to admit his own impurity, his view of the world would begin to change.
If this person, through prayer, charity, hard work and self denial begins personal purification, his view of the world begins to change.
Te road to true purification is very arduous, and could take many, many years of focused effort.
But when a state of inner sanctification is reached, one’s view of the world has radically changed. Looking outward, he sees not a perfect world, but good. A world not needing to be destroyed, but acceptable.
It seems as if his own inner struggle has borne a true transformation upon his external world. The external world is his family, community, nation, and the world. This external world becomes acceptable, respectable, and while not perfect, it is good.
Somehow, as one’s internal world purifies, so does his external. One reflects the other. This I call the phenomenon of reflectivity.
Rarified Oxygenation
I was out walking on a sunny and sparkling snow white winter day. I’d walked about 150 yards, breathing in the cold clean air, when I began to feel a jubilant strength in my legs, and gradually through my entire body.
I began to wonder if the air I was breathing was energized with the brilliant light reflected off of trillions of crystals of snow. I was not just breathing in air, I was breathing air resonating and rarefied with the energy of white light. My body was energized with rarefied air.
I continued along this line of thought. I asked myself if air could be rarefied with sound, the energy of sound breathed in and assimilated into the body. I remembered that sound is vibrating air molecules. The answer to this question was an easy “yes”. Healing harmonies could be more than listened to, they gently impact upon the physical body. They are inhaled in the air that bears them.
Then I took this line of thought a step further. I asked myself if thought and prayer could have a physical effect on air molecules. It would be a finer vibration than sound or light. But yes, I conjectured, this can be. If thought and prayer exist as energy, their presence could have an effect on light or matter.
Then I began to contemplate breathing. It is more than bringing ethereal nutrients into the body. Life giving oxygen mingles with my living soul. The air I breathe in mingles with the Life of God within me. As I exhale, it is breath bearing the power of the Holy Spirit, the power that abides within.
The process of rarification can occur in both inhaling and exhaling. Light and sound can energize the air we take in. Our soul within energizes the air before it is expelled. Thought and prayer are not contained by physical barriers. They can effect air, or any other physical element, without restriction.
This is my theory of rarified oxygenation.
Prophecy
White light , sunlight,
reflects
on a sparkling,
glistening,
blanket of snow.
I inhale the air,
the oxygen,
resonating
with white light.
As air vibrates,
carrying sound,
it carries light,
as well.
I am inhaling
white light.
Nuclear Awareness
I was talking to the young men over at Jon’s house the other day. We were listening to Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young. I began to speak about the music of the sixties.
“In order to understand the music of the sixties”, I said, “you must understand the sixties”. The Viet Nam war was going on overseas. At home here in the states were the peace demonstrations. Peace marches focused on Viet Nam, but Viet Nam was merely a focal point. The underlying issue was the indescribable horror threatened in worldwide nuclear war. America and Russia had manufactured and positioned enough nuclear weaponry to wipe mankind off the earth seven times over. And we, the young people of America, knew this.
Public buildings were designated as bomb shelters with very visible yellow and black metal signs. Every Wednesday the air raid sirens were tested at exactly five after twelve, noon. There were frequent tests of the radio and television systems, “in case of nuclear war, or other disaster”
I remember the Cuban missile crises. Russia had deployed missiles in Cuba. They were set up and pointed at our cities. President Kennedy demanded they be removed, immediately. It was a showdown.
My family packed up, and visited our cousins way out in the country. For we lived very near Niagara Falls and the massive hydro – electric plants. Power plants would be a primary target in any war.
“You see, the music of the sixties was a tool, a vehicle. It bore the message that mankind must sacrifice for peace, and justice, and freedom. And this sacrifice need not be the horror of war.
“What Are You Going To Do?”
This was written in January 2000. Before 911.
So Viet Nam ended. Our soldiers came home, not as heroes. But the great nuclear threat still continued.
The great finger of the Almighty pointed at the hearts of millions of American boys and girls. And asked them personally, “what are you, you alone, you individually, going to do to save the world?”
Millions became hippies, sworn to peace, and the journey to enlightenment. Free love and mind expanding drugs were heralded as the ways of peace. Communes and ashrams sprung up all across America. LSD promised to show the user God. Eastern religious teachings flourished. American boys and girls were convicted that they, as individuals, must contribute to the movement for peace.
There was a huge and powerful Jesus movement. Young adults formed into a new breed of Christian communities, all across the nation. These were hippies for Jesus. They were scorned by some as “Jesus Freaks”. They wrote their own music, new and beautiful sounds. They were iconoclastic in their ways. They dug into the Holy Scriptures with a genuine thirst for the true truth. And yes, they often succeeded, and found a profound life changing, world changing power.
Yes, that convicting finger pointed at my heart as well. I was called to answer the question, “what are you going to do for peace and freedom”. I gave my life to Jesus, and began an arduous and often treacherous life of fasting and prayer.
The year 2000 just began. And yes, there is still violence and hatred in the world. There are still nations poised with nuclear capability. But we have made it to the beginning of the new millennium. Y2K. We have evaded the grim threat of total annihilation. This is cause for great joy.
But the battle is far from over. Terrorism is a great threat. Maniacal leaders emerge from time to time. One needs to continue in vigilance and prayer. For the war is not over until the kingdom comes. Until the kingdom comes.
I Joined the Peace Revolution
Millions of young men and women donned the garb of the revolution. Love beads, bell bottom jeans, Nehru jackets and tie dyed shirts. Hitch hiking became the fad.
Hitch hikers stood at roadsides all across the country. California was the hippest place to go. Some jumped on freight trains, others rode with truckers, or traveled in cards. Marijuana, hash, LSD, mescaline and psilocybin were never difficult to obtain.
I too grew my hair, packed my duffle, and hit the road. With a teenage lady friend, we traveled to Syracuse, the state fair. We then went to Nashville and hooked up with a traveling carnival. It was a huge traveling midway, billed as the James E. Straight’s Million Dollar Midway. I worked a ride called the Flyin’ Bob’s, with a couple of Iroquois Indians, their women, and a couple other guys.
Redeye and Bobby were brothers, full blooded native Americans. They were also from Buffalo. That was common ground. We traveled to several southern cities, including Raleigh, Winston Salem, and, and, my mind was blown with drugs. I cannot remembered the cities to which we traveled.
I lost my job on the Bob’s. I was too spaced out to work. I could have started with another concession, but I decide to go off on my own. I headed east, toward the Atlantic Ocean.
I sacrificed much to join the Peace Revolution. I’d won several scholarships in high school. My dad could have hooked me up in a trade union, had I desire it. I scored at near genius level on the Armed Forces Vocational Aptitude Battery. But this was a peace revolution. I could not join the war machine.
We’d just been through Watergate. Our government was looked upon as filthy corruption. Especially by the children of love and peace. As I looked within, there was no other choice. I too was convicted in spirit. I had to sacrifice to peace and freedom.
This ends journal X
The journal labeled XI begins next
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