Continuation of Journal 7 1-25-23. This next group of entries is from the notebook numbered XI. Mostly essays. A few poems. On the adult level. Originally written in 2000.
Time and Time Again
Fast and pray I did. No food. No water. In the first three years after my conversion I fasted three hundred and fifty days. For a week, or ten days, or two weeks at a time.
I believed in peace on earth. I believed in personal purification. I believed I could gain higher realms of enlightenment. I believed that I could gain the power to do miracles.
I endured untellable suffering. I endured indescribable confusion. Time and time again, as I was on the brink of transfiguration, the police would come banging again.
I tried to reason for my freedom. I tried to fight them off physically, to no avail. I was carted away in chains, time and time again.
The insane asylums were brutal realities, the home of untellable evils. The enlightenment I sacrificed so vehemently to create was bashed to pieces time and time again.
Unclean = Insane
As I read scripture, I see repeated referral to an affliction called an “unclean spirit”. I never really clearly understood what this was until yesterday.
The word insane in Latin translates directly into the word unclean in English.
Jesus was curing people of mental illness, as well as physical afflictions. And praise God, He’s still doing that today.
Privileged Class
It’s been several weeks since my last entry. I had an unexpected heart surgery. There were complications, and the recovery has been difficult. I’m up and about now, but using a walker. April is upon us, and I’m really wanting to get outdoors. However just walking is difficult.
When one speaks of the privileged class we usually think of elegant homes and cars, summer homes and boats and planes. We think of travel and parties, and the best in food and drink.
My personal view of privilege is different. I feel privileged to be able to arise in the morning, have a good breakfast, and go out to work.
I feel privileged to have a truck and tools wherewith I can earn a wage. Even if it is a small wage. Also to have a body with stamina to stay on the job, and a mind that comprehends what needs to be done. To have a few clients, and faithful workers.
I am blessed to have loved ones to call on the phone, and with whom I can share Sundays and holidays. And blessed to have the respect of a few friends, whom I respect in return.
I have a warm place to live. Modest, but comfortable.
I understand human emotion, and the cycles of nature. I have learn to love this life, for better or for worse. And I have been granted the rare gift of self understanding.
Yes, I am privileged. Beyond measure, I am privileged.
Right Mindedness
One must constantly create right mindedness. Our path of destiny is paved by our thoughts. Accept this. It is accepting the responsibility of creating ones future.
Distraction and snares constantly, though subtlety, attack thee. Deflect these thoughts away with the power of God within. Like a master sword fighter knocking away the weapon of the foe, use Light Within You to stay sure footed on ones path to God. .
Evil and sin must exist in thought before they exist in the physical. Knock them out of your thoughts, and create instead light, life, hope, and sure success. Deliberately place light everywhere in your world. Constantly place love all around you.
I begin to see that true understanding of Jesus is health. Proper thought word and deed is complete immersion in holy well being. Here there can be no disease.
Stop often as you work the day through. Keep Him all around you, within you. That He lingers where you have passed. That he may greet you where you are about to arrive, and illuminate the ways you pass.
Self Scrutiny
Constant self scrutiny is a requirement of one desiring to grow in goodness. Are out our thoughts, words, and deeds true? And more importantly, are our motivations pure?
What God is Not
God is not a huge mysterious power living on the far side of a nearly impenetrable barrier we call ‘religion”.
He exists intimately within our being, our family, our community and culture – should we care to let him in.
In Honesty
In honesty, my behaviors were erratic, and sometimes threatening to all who were around me. I was often deeply disturbed, and in great confusion. I was immersed in a world ruled by compelling, powerful, spiritual voices. Yet at the same time I was absolutely sure that I was on an epoch pilgrimage. Deep inside I knew that I was journeying ever closer to God.
The voices were brought on by the methods I employed to spiritually grow. The voices were brought on by drugs, fasting, sleep deprivation, and the trauma of a near death experience.
As I journeyed, hitch hiking around the country, I was struck down and nearly killed in a hit run accident. I was on the road, seeking in the physical world for a spiritual truth. I would spend seven of the next fifteen years on the wards and in halfway houses.
To Mom
I awaken in the morning,
kneel and pray to God,
accepting this life,
because I love you Mom.
I eat a good breakfast,
so I can work hard.
And dress as nice as I can,
because I love you Mom.
I get to work on time,
and do my best job,
all day long.
Because I love you Mom.
I control my temper,
and my words,
all the day through.
I struggle to be always honest,
to share in all I’m given,
because I love you, Mom.
I learn to confront wrong doing,
to have self control,
to read, and learn, and pray.
I know to forgive,
and not covet nor hate.
To spend quiet time
before the Lord,
because I love you Mom.
I’ve grown to know myself.
To know goodness within me.
To be well being, joy and peace.
To fight against the evils within.
To continue the good fight
toward eternal life.
To be light n darkness,
clarity in confusion,
truth in deceit,
strength in weakness,
hope in doubt,
perseverance against difficulty.
To know what it means
to be a friend,
an ally,
a brother,
a son,
because
you I
love love
Me You
Mom Mom.
The Lights Went On.
The ascending mind
learns how
to create love.
Willfully,
knowingly,
deliberately,
create love.
I have power
to ascend above
hatred,
anger,
jealousy,
lust.
- This power I call
The lights went on.
I can fill a home
with love and well-being.
As a baker turns out loaves and pies.
Like Detroit pumps out cars.
As a writer turns out novels,
I create love.
Yes, I create love.
What I Did in New York City
East Village.
Pearl Paints for collage papers.
Moma.
The Met.
The Guggenheim.
We bought lots of art books. Matisse, Van Gogh, Monet.
We saw the Empire State Building, the Trade Towers, where John Lennon lived.
Central Park.
Broadway, Kiss Me Kate.
Time Square
The Aqua Grille in the East Village. Oysters, clams, escargot, Bouillabaisse, swordfish, tuna.
Sandra and Bob had me visit for my fortieth birthday. I t was a good week. They showed me a lot of new things.
One True Medicine
Take it easy,
have faith in God.
Learn to gentle be.
keep gathering
unto thyself,
be in purity.
Rein the raging stallions.
hatred, lust, denied.
Controlling
with a tender kiss.
His life,
His love,
His bride.
Let only light
escape thy mind,
and love shine
through thy soul.
In love and friendship
be complete.
Warm bonds to keep thee whole.
The arts and banks
and schools and church
are of the Tie That Binds.
There is but one true medium,
the Souls of Human-kind.
Brittany
I boarded the train in New York City, at Penn Station. The car was packed with passengers. However, the seat beside me remained empty.
A haggard old woman asked if she could sit beside me. “Of course’ I said, being polite. She got herself comfortable, and then the conductor came by. “You cannot sit here’ he said. “We have a plan here”. So the old woman was moved back to another car.
At the next stop a beautiful young lady boarded and asked if she could sit with me. I was pleased with fates hand. After I got done with my daily prayer, I got out the books that were given to me by my sister in New York. They were books on the work of Monet and Matisse. As I turned pages we discussed the collages of Matisse. It was good communication.
We got to the nudes of Matisse, and I closed the book.
The young lady gave me her name, Brittany. I told her of the bonds that can grow between an artist and his model.
A couple hours down the line, the car began to empty, and she moved to the seat behind me. I wanted her number, but was too shy to ask. She disembarked at the stop before mine, nervously saying “goodbye”.
I got up, and began to get my things together. I glanced back to where she had been resting. There was her gold watch, the band broken. I took the watch, with no idea how to return it to her.
Brittany, fair young woman, I have your watch. Your innocent spirit touched my soul. God love you and keep you dear. Always.
Thought
And gather thyself unto him,
again,
again,
again,
and again.
Loyalty and Purity
Purity breeds strength,
and perhaps strength breeds purity.
Purity is the things we put into our body,
or perhaps the things we choose not to put into our body.
Purity is the things we say and think and do.
And there is purity within a group of friends or to a family.
This is called loyalty.
It is honesty and kindness, straightforwardness, not mocking.
Know that, in mocking another,
we create difficulties for ourselves.
Loyalty, is willingly carrying ones share of the load. There are common responsibilities, burdens that are shared.
And there are specific responsibilities, where one has a special gift, which only he or she can bring.
Yet realize that a leader may well be mocked, by the envious and ignorant, the leaders of this world.
Realize brothers,
as we enter Jesus heart, with our song and word,
people will fall on their faces in prayer.
The Holy Spirit will fall upon us.
and wisdom and healings will flow.
To the beginning again,
we must make ourselves pure, truly pure.
The Winds of the Spirit will blow,
and we, as spirit beings,
on the Winds will be.
There is yet another purity,
and this is the purity of good works.
Prayer, charity, hard work, and self denial.
And yet one more purity. That of confession and repentance.
One Prayer
If a person were to pray one prayer, this is what it could be: “Holy Spirit come into my being. Lord, send me the baptism of your Holy Spirit”. “In Jesus, let us pray”.
I am forty five years old. I have not touched drinking, drugs, or women in many years.
Meanwhile, I have sustained a vigil of daily prayer, and dietary abstinence, for a long time.
Yet the weight of the sins of my youth still weighs heavy within me. Even though I know the Lord has forgiven me.
These days I am working with a group of young men and woman. We have a band, and have become quite close. These young adults are bound by the same sins that bound me when I was their age. These sins are sacrilege, sex, drugs, carnal music, and so forth. I have kept the close company of these folks, and the friendship has been a pleasure, albeit with setbacks and discouragement. It causes me pain to see self destructive behavior. It causes my heart to ache to witness acts that destroy the soul, the mind and the body. The same self destructive things that I did when I was younger.
Today, I am sensing something deep within. And that is, if I can successfully guide these friends from their weaknesses and sins to strength and sanctity, that I will be freed from my inner burden. I will be absolved from the weight and pain in my chest and mind when these young friends find their absolution and direction in the pure and holy life that God desires for them, and for us all.
This was written 23 years ago. The burdens have lifted. I have lost touch with my friends. I pray they have found their way.
Spring has Sprung.
Spring has sprung.
The worms are warm.
The rain is reigning.
The crocuses have croaked.
The tulips are tooling up.
The daffodils are daffy.
The hyacinths are saying “hi”.
Friday, April 7th, 2000. 9:50pm.
I haven’t done much creative writing now, for several months. Just maintaining these books of poems, which have become journals.
Nor have I had time to cut collages, draw or paint. I have, however, remained faithful to practicing the piano, and prayer.
My sister Sandra and her husband bought me a high tech commercial carpet cleaning machine. I complemented it with another machine I found in the swap sheet, used. I ran an ad in the church bulletin, and in the yellow pages. I also took out a small liability policy.
I’ve put together a set of gardening tools as well. it’s hard work, I’m aggressively promoting, which takes a lot of time and energy but I’m moving forward.
The Wheel Turns
I often pause and think,
“I know I am called to minister the Lord”.
“I should be preaching,
laying hands on the sick,
breaking bread and baptizing”.
I could be,
should be,
would be,
more than I am.
But then there are times
when just being
overwhelms and frightens me.
when the brilliance of God’s nearness
is painful,
cleansing,
humbling.
Redefining, each time,
what it is to be.
What it is to live a holy life.
What it is to bring light to others.
And then to be self sufficient.
I have one life to live.
One life to give.
It needs to be in obedience,
perfect obedience,
to His will.
I am on a steady course,
working,
praying.
However,
should I be,
could I be,
doing more?
I am on the steady course,
I feel compelled to ministry.
Laying hands on the sick.
Preaching,
breaking bread,
baptizing.
The wheel turns.
The wheel turns,
The wheel turns.
Easter April 23, 2000 9:30pm.
To my three sisters.
Susan, whose sense of humor never fails.
Sandy, whose spirituality is a flowing stream.
Judy, who prays for my salvation.
I have not touched hearts with any of you, recently.
Now I have a little time.
A little energy,
and a little love to give.
Today was Easter.
Mom and I drove to Sues.
We had a wonderful feast.
Spring lamb, sweet and tender,
Too short a visit.
I look forward to Sues wedding this June.
Will I see you all?
Sandra has little Fia now.
How her countenance brightened when she received her Mom and Dad.
Her destiny.
God has blessed you Sandra,
and you and your lover, Bob, bless others so freely, in turn.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I know Judy is building her ministry. Teaching love of God, and one another.
We are living in prosperous and peaceful times.
Even I, the last to catch on, have good food, good clothes, a good van, and meaningful challenges.
I’m building my little business. Winning one customer at a time. with help. I receive what I need.
I feel strong, and clean, and healthy.
I see limitless achievement before me. I have escaped the bonds of hell.
I have happiness and energy.
I’m finding work cleaning churches, with carpet machines.
I’m creating work for others.
There is no barrier here, between work and prayer.
And I sense that I am where, under God, that I am supposed to be. Pointing the way by working hard, and being pure.
I’ve found, certainly, I need neither drugs nor alcohol. And I see in truth that a man can be chaste and complete.
Yes, I am rejoicing that I eat in a healthy way, and I get good rest.
There’s no problem needing exercise these days, where my daily tasks demand the stamina of an athlete.
It is our duty to love one another. To pray for one another. To guide and heal one another.
I’m hoping to rent the camp this September. Is anyone interested? The weather and fishing will be good.
Mama’s ill again. A respiratory thing. We’ll get past this one too. She’ll be fine.
But this reminds me to tell you that I will always need you. All three of you. for as long as we bear life, and beyond.
For the strongest is the most vulnerable. A loner survives on love.
Sue, the coffee you served tonight was wonderful. I wanted to stay, and savor a little bit more.
So I am working hard, and dreaming of whitefish and pike. Deer and squirrels. The monastery. A trip to France, some day.
Here in Buffalo, sometimes I am surrounded by people who seem to be friends, at a coffee house or party. But I feel out of place, one small light in a great darkness.
I used to grieve when I saw someone unrepentant, hedonistic, in sin. But now I find myself privately giggling. For I know for certain that hellfires are hot, and God’s judgment is perfect, and complete.
Yes, it’s coming together, from the inside outward.
I look forward to seeing each of you again. Soon, I pray.
Morning and the Birds
It was a glorious spring morning, today.
However, I overslept, and the radio was on.
So I missed the morning singing of the birds.
It was a beautiful morning.
I know the birds sang beautifully today.
I’m sorry I missed it.
The Theory
That one must give his whole, complete, entire life to God to live out the theory.
That only in making oneself clean, keeping oneself clean, will life’s blessings come to you. That in only in learning to completely rule over oneself will the greatest fulfillment become yours. That only in becoming holy, and living in holiness, will true fulfillment, complete fulfillment, become yours.
Each one of us has a choice, a choice that must be reaffirmed each day. And that is to live by the Ten Commandments, as written in the Old Testament. And by Jesus law of love, in the New Testament. “Love God with all your heart, your entire mind, all your soul, and all your strength. And love your neighbor, and yourself.
Life’s entire meaning and purpose is for us, as individuals, and as people, to find our way to God. To become people of caring and love. To serve and please God, and to know intimately, God’s presence here.
Journal Entry
Working beats staying home and collecting disability 100 to 1. I’m speaking now from the viewpoint of someone supposedly mentally disabled.
Without a job, one stays at home, trying to make ends meet on a pittance disability check. One becomes totality preoccupied with keeping comfortable in body and mind. “Now I need a coffee, now I need a smoke” Now I need one kind of a pill, now I need another kind of pill, and so on. One becomes obsessed with keeping comfortable.
For someone recovering from mental illness, hard physical work is good. Lots of hard physical work. And if it is mentally challenging as well, all the better.
Consciousness is transferred from how the body feels, to how to complete the task as perfectly and efficiently as possible. And a long day of hard work leaves a person feeling warm and glowing.
It may take years of physical labor to burn off the excessive mental energies that accompany schizophrenia. And in the process one conditions and strengthens the body with years of disciplined labor.
A person crafts an aura of love, and gentle peace. An aura others can partake of. An aura crafted of righteous living , of which regular hard work is a foundation stone.
The Beauty of Flight Alone
We’re down in the Niagara Gorge now. Eight of us. it was a long climb down here. Jon and I took the wrong path, and ended on a difficult embankment.
When we first got down to the water, my thought was, in jest, “who sculpted this place?” My second thought, as the clear jade waters rushed by was, “what a place to conceive a child.” This is a place of majestic power and beauty.
Then I lay back on the rock, and high, high above seagulls circled. They were not feeding or mating, or marking territory. They were flying for the beauty of flight alone. For the beauty of flight alone.
Scary Medicine
My mind has been clouded, and bit confused for these last few days. I heard the voices rumor that the medicine I depend upon can cause permanent and irreversible brain damage. Needless to say I am somewhat worried.
However I have not taken my vitamins and herbs for a couple of weeks now. The absence of these substances may be the reason my mind is struggling.
Also, I’ve been with my friends a lot. I may be assuming some of their psychological and mental difficulties.
Marketing the Business
We’vegot our carpet machines up and running. However I’m struggling trying to market the service. It has been difficult to find customers.
Two weeks ago I made one hundred phone calls. One hundred phone calls boiled down to five leads. Three of these leads were nothings. Two of them I have left to follow up on. I have printed up 300 fliers and 1000 cards. My yellow pages add, this year, has produced nothing. The church bulletin ad has paid for itself, and then some. But it was nothing to rave about. I think that going business to business might be worthwhile. I’m also considering an ad in the Jewish Center paper.
Beyond this, I think I’ll look into the internet. With Bob and Sandra’s help. We’ll see if perhaps there is an opportunity there.
Mental Communication
I find that with my friends, Lance, Jon, Justin, Joe, Brian, Tim, and all who comprise our merry band, that I can communicate with them by projecting my thoughts. They are all quite aware of my silent thoughts and prayers.
I have been hanging out with the boys now for four years. At first they were only aware of my mellow vibes, and beyond that, the colors of emotion I am experiencing.
I find myself preaching without speaking. Sharing prayers while keeping silence, and guiding with no more than a gesture. I know these people are my friends, because they respond positively to my presence and participation.
To Join the Knights
Nevertheless, I have felt these friends are like my children. I love them all deeply. But I need the company of older adults. By adult I mean mature Catholic men. Men that don’t need my guidance, but rather desire my company. Men who understand and respect my achievement.
So I have applied to become a member of the Knights of Columbus. These men may be able to help me meet the challenges of life. And they will be friends who have found their own way, and do not require my shepherding.
To Keep Mentally Strong.
I am very aware that the mind is like a muscle. It must be exercised to stay strong. Beyond continuing doing all the things that I have done for years, it is good to be learning something new.
Learning to advance the business is a mental challenge. Learning how to handle all of the equipment is a challenge. Marketing is a challenge. The business is more than a way of making money. It is a way to stay alive.
Observation
I see that learning to overcome mental illness is learning to carry a stress load. “Normal” living means carrying stress. And the psychological system, like the muscular system must be conditioned to carry a load. After a physical illness, the body must be strengthened. After a psychotic break, the mind, and nervous system must be strengthened. This is done by taking on challenges and responsibilities that stress the system. Not too much at once. A little bit at a time.
Observation
Just as a body, mind, and soul are inseparably linked, so is the salvation of the individual and the salvation of the community.
Journal Entry: Thursday 6/7/2000 1:50 pm.
I am on the hilltop, as I write, at Mount Savior. I’ve been here since early afternoon, Tuesday. It’s been rainy, so this is the first chance I’ve had to go walking.
I got here in a state of extreme physical tiredness. So I’ve been resting – sleeping. I’ve got the cleaning and gardening business going on Buffalo. I’ve been overexerting to keep up with my customers requests. A real estate management company recently called me. Their manager has a bottomless list of tasks for me.
As I examine my life here, I see I have been talking, on occasion, when I should be keeping quiet. I have said a few hurtful things that should have been left unsaid.
Let me mention here that three weeks ago, I joined the Knights of Columbus.
Fifteen years ago I asked Father Martin, the abbot here at Mount Savior, if I could come here to live as a novice. His immediate answer was ‘no”. Now I feel I should ask again.
I’ve completely reformed my life. The last symptom of my illness was oversleeping. And this vanished when I took on a full work load. Now, I only oversleep when my body is repairing itself from overwork. I have had a stomach ache for several days now. They are lessened today, however.
I’m becoming acutely aware that I have one life to live. And this life is fleeting. One life to work out my salvation. One life to please my Lord. I pray to discern His will, and walk the path He desires.
Contemplation
My labors at home, in Buffalo, are penitential in their intensity. My gardening is hard work, as is the cleaning. The pain I endure, I offer up to God, to speed my soul, and the souls of my love ones, into His saving and merciful heart.
As I sit here on the Mount, vultures circle above. Vultures symbolize death. Today in America, in the year 2000, there is great optimism. The Jubilee year has arrived. The nuclear threat has cleared. The economy is fantastic. But, but, but, there are vultures circling above.
One would like to believe that this planet and all its inhabitants are ever nearer the kingdom of God. That peace and well being will arrive for all men. But for now, at this moment…the vultures are gone.
Thought
As I contemplate my inner being here at mount Savior, I become aware, at first, that I am not sad. I am not joyous, I am not sorrowful. I see that I am empty within.
As I walked down the hill, I see a young brother tending his vegetable garden. He is very content. I say to myself, of this brother, now this is a life I would like to live.
Now I’m in the kitchen, brewing coffee. I am feeling a little happiness now, a little joy within.
Whatever path I choose, there must be a reaching out to the less fortunate, and the misguided.
The Soldier Clown
The warrior costumed
in yellow, blue, and red.
Reddened cheeks, and buttoned nose,
Bright cone atop his head.
Flopping feet,
shoes two feet long.
A smile painted across his face.
Behold the Soldier Clown.
Against the pillars of reason,
Sober logic, custom, law.
Gravity and dignity.
His act and battle, I saw.
Orange wig,
a lance against one’s pride.
False ears,
the grudge one keeps inside.
The painted face,
a weapon too.
‘gainst sadness and sorrow,
and hearts of blue.
A collar green,
on shirt of yellow.
my oh my,
I’m one odd fellow.
Belt of black,
pants baggy green.
Life is short,
a passing dream.
His kerchief is
three shades of blue.
A banner flown,
for justice true.
Umbrella
of black and pink.
What I say and do,
and think.
Yea, behold the soldier clown.
And all his silly ways
With a frown, turned upside down.
Overcoming as he plays.
Laugh against the enemy.
Mock evil till it’s gone.
Slay the wily serpent,
with a silly song.
Joke, an arrow. Laugh a shield.
The clown his battle wins.
A soldier in the war,
against man’s pride and sins.
Life is fleeting,
short the way.
let us live true,
and laugh today.
Against the roaring lion.
Against our foolish talk.
Against our self importance.
The prideful way we walk.
Yea, hail the light victorious.
Oer’ the saintly clown.
The warrior oh so glorious,
brightness shining down.
Yea, hail the light victorious.
Oer’ the saintly clown.
The warrior oh so glorious,
Behold the Soldier Clown!
Prayer
My prayer, today.
To discern God’s will in my life.
To follow this discernment.
To please you, sweet Jesus,
in all that I do.
To be blessed with time,
and willingness.
To practice Your Presence, Dear Lord.
And to find in Your Presence
well being and fulfillment
in body mind and soul.
I pray your sweet salvation
touches each member of my family.
Each member of the community in which we live.
That there be peace and harmony
within my heart and mind,
my family and my community,
and around the world.
Help our planet heal from the damage we cause.
Help us to respect nature, and guard the natural order.
Help us to learn new ways,
ways of purity,
compassion,
and peace.
Help us to live in a way that brings us all closer to your kingdom, Lord.
In each and every day.
Thought
A long hard day’s work is much akin to a day filled with prayer. A long hard day’s work, with special separate times of prayer, is true mastery.
Quote
Saint John Paul: Solidarity = Communion = Trinity
Now that this retreat is nigh over, I want to take a moment to say “thank you Lord.” I I thank you for regenerating my energy and attitude. I thank you for reacquainting me with these brothers, whom I’ve known since I was a youth of 23. I thank you for healing my body, my soul, and my life. For making me into a strong and good Catholic man. I thank you for the mission and purposes you have lain before me. I thank you for the guidance and discernment, and power you give me to live the life you have chosen for me.
I praise you Lord. I love you Lord. I bless you Lord. In Jesus name, Amen.
Mother Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us sinners who have recourse to Thee.
Def.: Art
Something created through the conscious and subconscious mind of a sentient being, that acts upon the spiritual and psychological quality of the environment is such a way as to positively affect the conscious and sub-conscious mind of another sentient being. This with the power to create a chemical change in the minds of those who experience it.
STRICTURE – STRESS – STRIAM – TIMBER – GAMBOL- GAIT.
Thought
If I am in the shadows of the mountains, and headed toward the light, then the mountains must be in my path.
Thought
In this war of good and evil, the warrior must do more than simply resist darkness. We are called to more than rise against sin by not doing evil. We are called to a realm higher than simply “not doing wrong”. We are called to overtly fight against sin, and it’s author, the evil one. This means we must get involved, somehow, someway.
We must strive to be holy men and women. We must live by the Ten Commandments, love God and neighbor. We must work hard, and show true honesty and decency.
And then we must take one more step. And this next step will be into some sort of ministry, mission, or purpose. A ministry that exists to please God, and help one’s fellow man.
Journal Sunday 8/6/2000
I’ve been working hard with the cleaning business. Evidentially getting over tired. Last Wednesday I had extreme pain in my chest. It felt like spasms in the left lung. It got so bad I had to go to the emergency room. They couldn’t find the source of the pain. However they did give me some pain killers. One called vioxx, the other called ultram. However I’m a little groggy on the vioxx, and haven’t taken any of the ultram. The ultram is a heavy duty pain killer, probably addictive. So I won’t use it without good reason.
I’ve rested now for a few days, and I feel OK. I knew I was out of balance, I sensed it. My system needed rest, I ignored it’s pleadings. So it spoke in a language I understand. This language is called pain.
Journal
I’ve been working so hard with the business that there has been little time for anything else. No writing. No artwork. Yes, I’ve kept up my piano practice. And yes, I’ve kept up the daily prayer.
Journal
The reason I threw away my TV set so many years ago was to separate myself from the violent and sexual content. Without telling you what to do, such imagery defiles the mind.
Journal
Having disciples sounds glorious. But there are two sides to that coin. A true leader is responsible for the wellbeing of his flock, on the physical as well as spiritual plane. Desire then to be a master. But know there will be pain as well as joy.
Journal
We need to create a community for ourselves. We need to create a circle of friends for mutual support and encouragement . Our parents are all aging. Our blood siblings all in distant locals. And all souls need soul mates. So let us start to the task of building community. A circle of true friends.
Journal
I’ve recently met a young man. He is a Christian of two years. Today as we spoke, I made an important point.
when a person give their life to God, it should be forever. True conversion is not a phase. True conversion is not a passing fad. True conversion is total devotion. Eternal devotion.
8/27/2000
I’ve been absorbed with the business – no time to take up the pen.
Employee error fills creek with Coors: many fish die
Golden Colorado. AP. An employee of Coors Brewing Co. flipped the wrong switch and sent 77,500 gallons of beer into a creek killing thousands of fish and prompting health warnings.
The beer, which was in fermenting tanks, washed through a wastewater treatment plant before ending up in Clear Creek on Friday, said Coors spokeswoman Aimee St. Clair. The fish likely suffocated from the alcohol – among other things – produced in the tanks.
The Colorado Department of Public Health advised residents to avoid contact with the creek because of a small bacterial risk. The water could cause illness if consumed, said David J. Holm, director of the Water Quality Division.
Officials with the State Division of Wildlife could not give a precise number of fish killed, but estimated it was thousands.
Carry it On
Carry it on.
Light.
Love.
Prayer.
Quiet Strong.
The Peace.
Courage.
Calm.
Release.
Release the Light,
the Love,
the prayer,
Release the Quiet Strong.
River flowing.
Rising Sun.
Falling Crimson.
Song.
Share the tears.
The joy.
The sorrow.
Lanterns lit,
in fading light.
Joined in heart,
and mind,
and song.
Word is sent
from Heaven’s height.
Bells ring upon the mountain.
Chanting psalms.
A song is sung.
Whispered,
spoken,
shouted,
a brand new day is won.
The Earth softly calling.
A Love,
and sacred home.
Life in Death,
Death in Life.
A flame, a prayer, a poem.
Let the fire burn.
Warm the embers glow.
Carry the Love,
The Prayer.
The Peace.
Falling crimson
river flow.
Carry the Love,
the Prayer,
the Peace,
Falling Crimson
river flow.
It Saddens Me
It saddens me, to see how were taught to judge a man.
A man’s worth is decided by how good looking he is, how big his house is, how fancy his car, how much money he has to throw around.
Honesty, purity, moral strength are not esteemed valuable. Integrity, unselfishness and holiness are not valued in this world where superficial appearances are all that matter.
A man’s talents are regarded only if they bring him money and fame.
Inner beauty, love of God and goodness have no worth. True treasure is like so much trash.
All I have done, all I have strived to accomplish, amount to nothing. For I have lived to know God. And the world lives for money, and the things it can buy.
Moon Dog
When I was camping down at Billy’s last week, there was a ring around the moon. An hour later, the ring was much larger. This ring is called a moon-dog. It is a foreboding of hard times to come. I prayed that if hard times are coming, they are world problems, and not on me alone.
Katie
My niece Katie has been very depressed. She’s sixteen years of age, and just broke up with her first boyfriend. She visited us this weekend. She was very weepy, and somewhat despondent. This worries me. I know depression is a bottomless pit. I do know we have some control over depression, mental and spiritual control. I fear for her. I pray for her.
Justin
Justin returned from California yesterday, in high spirits. He wants to work on his Electric Mountain Man project. He wants to go to work, and make money. He wants to go fishing. He wants to move to the mountains, and get ready for the end of the world. My thoughts have not been on getting prepared for the end time terrors. I’ve been too busy working and living.
The World
In this rude incarnation, we confuse greed with virtue, violence as valor, success as acquiring the wherewithal to satisfy all our physical desires.
A true transcendent saint could live right next door, and we would never realize it.
The flower of perfection could bloom in our garden, and we would pluck it out, thinking it to be some strange weed.
The Mind
The mind has powers beyond what are commonly acknowledged. I am drawing on what I have learned in my dialogue of Christian Science with Walt Mehlenbacher. Walt is a farmer that lets me hunt his land.
With my mind and body I can heal another’s infirm body and mind. I can create Christian society from confusion, and shed enlightenment within the consciousness of others.
This is power gestating within me. It is not fully grown. it continues to grow as I daily grow in Faith, in study, work and prayer.
Sweet Chestnuts
When I was down in Portageville, hunting, I found a sweet Chestnut tree laden with perfect fruit. I harvested and saved about fifty of the nuts. I have them in my prayer corner. I am blessing them often, that they will grow into strong fertile tees, resistant to the disease that has pushed this species to the brink of extinction.
The Eagle Flies
Courage,
take courage.
be of stout heart.
Don’t be afraid
to take a part.
Move up,
move on,
adventure,
chance.
Strengthen your courage.
enter the dance.
Do things difficult.
Shades of danger.
Accept the challenge.
Be the dark stranger.
But ready yourself
with fasting and prayer.
Study and strengthen,
quicken, prepare.
Yet don’t be a fool.
Judge and discern.
Too close to the fire,
you’ll get yourself burned.
Step into the deep,
when you’ve learned to swim.
But beware of man-eaters,
keep faith in Him.
Yes, rise early,
and greet the new day.
As a new man,
wise in the way.
Breathe in
this dawn’s first light.
Strong and brave,
quick and bright.
Be courage and wisdom,
brave, yet wise.
New day, new life.
The eagle flies.
New day, new life.
The eagle flies.
Courage
Imagine a snake,
long and thick,
strong and hard,
writhing within your gut.
Courage is containing that serpent.
Wrestling it down,
subduing it..
using its power as your own.
Born the Song
Many, many years ago,
when days were short and cold was strong,
from silent dark,
was born the song.
Above the town,
on a cold black night,
arose the star
of Heavens light.
Shepherds watching,
hillside darken,
Angelic voices
bid thou harken.
Wise men see
the distant star,
and hear the song,
from land afar.
All creation
awaiting knows,
A flower blooms,
in frigid snows.
From awesome quiet,
and black of night,
Springs forth the song
of Heaven’s light.
The Son of God,
the King of Kings.,
The song of songs,
creation sings.
Warm flame a kindled,
be bright t he way.
Be song, be life,
be Christmas Day.
Lord of Lords,
King of Kings,
All the earth
thy praises sing.
Jesus Lord,
I humbly pray,
Be our song,
this Christmas Day.
Jesus Lord,
I humbly pray,
Be our song,
this Christmas Day.
New Years 2001
May the New Year be one of many blissful prayers, of many good deeds and kindnesses. May we touch those in need, in some small way. And may it be a year to share great love amongst friends.
Stay in Prayer
To stay in prayer,
and to know the union between oneself and God is unbroken.
When fear or circumstance arise,
keep focused on Him,
the flow of light,
the peace.
Keep confident in His protection,
His guidance,
the unfolding of His plan.
Remain in joy,
in wholeness,
and peace.
Without a Crown
Alas,
I leave the snowy wood.
I leave with empty hand.
Yet the hunt, it was good,
the quiet of the wood was grand.
Homeward now I turn my face,
as the Fall season ends.
I did not kill a deer this year,
but stayed in warmth with my dear friends.
Time spent in the wooded cold.
Ground of white, and wood of brown.
Thoughts be pure, and spirit bold.
A prince for sure, without a crown.
I leave grey wood without a kill.
Yet blessed by time in frigid wood.
This fall knows not the hunters thrill,
yet the hunt was joy, was good.
I thank the wood before I leave.
I shall return, should life allow.
The gift of time to be, believe.
Prepared to move onward now.
Though I leave the woods with empty hand,
joy and peace fill my heart.
December’s cold upon the land,
and a new year soon to start.
The eternal wheel slowly turns.
The ancient spirit moves within.
The vigil flame bright burns,
and I shall hunt again.
The eternal wheel slowly turns.
The ancient spirit moves within.
The vigil flame bright burns,
and I shall hunt again.
Into Flight – December 2000
I just awoke from a glorious dream. I broke from the curse and flew free. I actually flew!
I gained the power to escape the curse through carrying sticks as power objects, and drinking carrot and vegetable juices, and eating salads. I gained ghe power of flight.
I’ve got money now. I can get a veggie juicer. I’ll go to the woods and collect twigs to carry as a talisman, at all times. Also ,
I will make my shooting sticks, which a hunter needs, from sticks I find in the forest.
The horrible beast opened its mouth. I grabbed some of its teeth as I jumped down its throat, and beyond, into the sky. And miraculously into flight.
