second entries – Europe with Dad

2009

Dad came up with the genius idea that he and I take a trip together. A trip to Europe, by boat. This was a magnanimous gesture, for sure. I briefly considered his offer, telling him it sounded like a good idea.

He and I had always a difficult relationship. We never seemed to be able to see eye to eye. He was getting on in years, and he knew he didn’t have a lot of time left. He offered me an opportunity to touch heart to heart, and soul to soul. He got a chance to see me beyond the context of his home and home life. This voyage on the high seas was the high point of the life we shared.

Dreams

Dialogues

Voices

Thoughts

Transatlantic voyage

Portugal

Spain

Italy

France.

Dreams 3/28/09

About three weeks ago, God explained to me about telepathic communication. Simply, it is how a radio works. A transmitter and a receiver.

3/28/09

Night before last ….three dreams.

In the first dream, I was a bedridden invalid. Barach Obama came into my room, and extended a hand to me. He healed me, and I got up out of bed.

The second dream of two nights ago: I was learning to fly, like a bird. I tried to will myself into flight, but only managed to float a little bit.

In the third dream, God spoke to me, and told me he wanted me to re-adopt a vegetarian diet. I was vegetarian for a long time, but not so in recent years.

Dad and I had a conversation, about how hard it is for me to wake up early. Partly because of the medicine I use. I condemn myself when I oversleep. But I should give myself a little slack.

3/28/09

Last night God told me not to be too concerned about sticking close to Dad. That I would do well to “strike out on my own”.

Dad and I are readying for the voyage. Planning and packing.

A dream: My friend Kara called my mom on the phone to report that I’ve been overly friendly, especially with her husband Ralph.

POEM

The sun hurried

Through the dark heavens.

For it needed to be by the Eastern Horizon,

For dawn.

 

Hurry, hurry said the stars.

Hurry, hurry said the moon.

“For dawn cannot be without you”.

 

“No need to rush me”,

Said the sun.

“I do all I can”.

“And dawn cannot break, without me”.

 

4/18/09 8:15am.

We’re in the airport now, waiting to board. We’re an hour early. We got through the gates with minor hassles. Dad had some shampoo and conditioner in his carryon.

8:35am

We just boarded. With Dad in a wheelchair, we were the first to board. We were talking about not losing hope and faith, no matter how dismal the circumstances seem. If I were painting a canvass, and lost faith in the project before it was done, that moment of doubt would reflect in the painting, in a negative way.

Consider the phenomenon of the idiot savant. There are profoundly retarded people who clearly show narrow bands of genius. Incredible musical or mathematical abilities.

8:55am

The captain just announced the plane is tail heavy. He asked that the passengers move forward.

It seems as if the only in which a person can earn a decent wage is to develop a narrow band of expertise.  It’s called specialization.

I see myself somewhat like the idiot savant.

HERE WE GO!

Sister Sandra is raising two adopted children. Fia is nine, Vin is five. They are from Viet Nam. She called us last night to bid us Bon Voyage.

She asked Vin if he wanted to talk to me. He wouldn’t come to the phone. Sandy said, “he’s busy playing. He’s riding the skateboard and singing God Bless America”.

I see a lot of lakes down there. We’re above the clouds. We’ll be in New York City soon.

4/18/09

We’re onboard the Norwegian gem, as I write. It was a long taxi ride from J.F.K. to the pier. I had to juggle all the luggage, Dad and his wheelchair. As I dumped the burden, the airport attendants looked on and grinned. I was angered in having to ask for help.

We’re waiting for the cabin to open, as we sit in one of the ship’s restaurants. The food, the luncheon, is pretty nice.  Meats and breads, vegetables and fruits.

I often hear voices in the conversations around me. As I contemplated vertigo and sleeplessness, the conversation at the table next to me offered “eat more curry”.

It’s hard for me to know if this voyage is going to bring me closer to achieving my life goals. My first goal is to ignite and inspire World Revolution. The rebirth of civilizations. The salvation of planet Earth.

I just went up for a second plate. Baby spinach, roast pork and beef, sweet and sour. Party music is playing on the P.A. system. A lot of elderly folks. Groups of women traveling together.  We met a couple here at the restaurant, Bill and Naline.

4/18/09

We’re at muster now. The assistant cruise director is speaking. A basic orientation.

4/19/ 09 2:00PM

Dad and I scouted out the ship today. We got a handle on where the free restaurants are, and where the fee restaurants are. We found the library, the scrabble room, the exercise room, and the chapel.

We found the theatre for a presentation on shore excursions. We went to the bridge viewing room, to look on the captains as they pilot this ship. Dad is now at the captains’ party, only for those who have travelled Norwegian before. This leaves me with a little quiet time.

All port cities use the same currency, Euros, obtainable at the reception desk.

There is an internet café’, which we’ll scout out. I want to see if we can reach Mom, in Amherst.

We just checked out the two way radios. They help a lot, but don’t cover the ship completely. Five hundred feet in any direction.

Rebirth begins with repentance.

You are alive, as long as you have a capacity for love.

4/19/09 11:30pm.

We had a pretty decent day. Dad and I spent the morning, afternoon, and early eve together. But at about 7:00pm. we decided to split up. I went to the gym to do yoga and work out. Then back to the cabin for a shower. I am at the chapel now, finishing up my prayers for the day. I’ll go to the twenty hour restaurant for a bite, and then head in.

4/20/09 12:55pm.

The sky clears as we part waters before us. Waves are five feet high, which is still considered smooth water. The boat is very stable.

We started our day with a walk to the bridge observation area. Three captains are in the control area.

I had a decent conversation with a woman named Judy, a retired U.N. worker. She spoke of a huge evil called greed. And if human greed goes on unchecked it will spell the end of life, here on Earth, as we know it.

I countered with the encouragement that a great environmental awareness movement is beginning to gain momentum. How the movement of ecological concern was born in the revolution of the sixties. Only now, forty plus years later, does it begin to take shape.

Judy shared how she finds the young adults entering the workforce today to be overly ambitious. Greed. To which I replied how the revolution of the sixties spoke against materialism. That money and possessions were not truly important.

I bought into that totally. Only now, forty years later do I see that material holdings are needed and necessary. But they must be of secondary importance.

First is the love of God, through devotion. And charity. Charity not only lessens suffering in the world, it helps us to keep our greedy tendencies in check.

The building of this ship was a huge accomplishment. However the life and spirit it bears are most important.

Dad shared how he learned that the captain of the Titanic quickly descended into despondency in the moment of crises.

In conversation we contemplated our universe. We are one planet around one star. There are millions of stars in our galaxy, the Milky Way. There are millions of galaxies out there. And Earth alone is so complex that one can hardly begin to comprehend it all.

One version of mortality: for an artist to have his efforts assimilated into that body that his passed down through history.

4/20/09 4:25pm.

The whole reflection thing here is immense. Mirrors are everywhere. Whole walls of mirrors. It creates the life like illusion of an entire opposing flight of stairs. Choosing which set of stairs to use became easy when I realized one flight was a mere reflection.

It looks like the stream of consciousness thing has begun.

When I got pneumonia last October, I started forcing myself to drink eight glasses of water a day. I felt much better with this. My bodily aches and pains subsided. I have gone six months without a bug.

However, with my returning to work and travelling, I could not maintain this regimen. Two days without hydration, and I have another respiratory problem.

Up in the observation room there are photos of this ship, when it was under construction. The diesel engine that drives the electrical engines is as big as a house.

I have a question. Is the world becoming ever more decadent, or is it my imagination? In the Bliss Lounge here, they do not have the usual furniture. The stools around the bar are normal enough. There are some overstuffed chairs. But there’s beds, double beds, all around the dimly lit lounge.

I just visualized the perfect life. Living the life of a practicing artist aboard the Norwegian Gem.  I’d need a cabin large enough for a studio, and living space.

As I meditate here, ideas begin to flow. I write down key words, and expand upon them in these writing sessions. Down loading from ether to thought, to key phrase, to journal. I’d like to bring some meaningful psychic reading into this journal. To do this by listening to the content f the conversations around me.  The verbal content of the television and radio, as well lyrics and banter of the live acts seems to be a source of intuitive communication.

As we cross the ocean, it seems the wind and waters are cleansing us of our sins.

I think upon my ivory tower hometown of Amherst. Whenever it rains, the sewer system overloads. Untreated human waste is discharged into the waterways. The townspeople don’t know and don’t care.

Greed is the greatest evil in the world today. Greed, by definition, is  accumulating wealth at the cost of the health of the planet. Or accumulating wealth while disregarding the needs of one’s workers or constituents.

We shared a table this noon with older ladies, Barbara and Pat.  As we began to converse, Barbara offered the thought  that  “all creation can be reduced to mathematical formula”.

The thought came to me, “even though the universe is infinitely vast , the life of every individual is important”. Catholic theology teaches us that God has put his guardian angels all around us. The ascended Saints in Heaven and Earth may be involved as well.

As I did yoga, yesterday, I found some postures impossible, due to the gentle listing of the ship.

Impact, positive impact, which is why we are here.

Can you tell me how fast we are going? This ship is travelling at twenty-four knots. The planet spins at 1000 miles per hour, while revolving around the sun.

As the solar system moves through the galaxy, the galaxy moves through the universe. “Does anybody really know what time it is”?

Traveling is wonderful release, unending changes. Punishment, as in imprisonment , is a world of little change.

Pat, the younger of the two ladies said as we parted, “your dad, he’s in the light”.

4/20/09

One thing I do not like is the negative voices. People consciously or unconsciously saying things that premonition troubles. If I am less than perfect in the energies I project, in the things I say, I get dark feedback back. Last night, I approached a lady I thought I recognized. She gave me “you’re going to have problems” back. We lost paperwork, and our door lock ceased to work.

Just now, I went down to the community store to look for cough syrup and lozenges. The clerk asked me if I am a biker. Asking him why, he said “you look like a biker”. I shared that while several of my friends are bikers I do not ride. Responding to his inquiry I told him I’ve had too many broken bones, and physical injuries. I’m partially blind in one eye,  I’ve had a concussion, broken hand, vertebrae, internal injuries, broken pelvis, tibia and fibula, broken nose, caught up in a dog attack, and a lot of small stuff.

Back in the seventies I went hitch-hiking across the country, like all good hippies did. I shared this in my last journal. I traveled with the carnival for a while.  It was in North Carolina in 1975 that I was struck down in a hit run, and left in a ditch to die. It was night time, 700 miles from home. I was rescued from the brink of death by three gallant Marines.

After I got home the physical healing began…..Well that is where it all started.

Anyway, the worker at the store, through his voices said,” I’m going to bring back a reprieve”.

I would not want to relive any of the hardships I’ve endured. May God and his Helpers guide and protect me.

I knew before I chose to take this trip that my aura and faith would be challenged. That there would be moments.

Every time I pray it affects reality. I can overcome these negatives, all negatives. I have the power.

 

 

Touched by the breeze,

The rush of the sea,

The endless rush of the sea.

 

Touched by people who care,

and the rush of the sea.

The endless rush of the sea.

 

I was ill these last few days,

Feeling better now.

The endless rush of the sea.

 

Sensing, hoping, praying,

For the hand of destiny.

Salt air,

And the endless rush of the sea.

 

4/21/09

I got waylaid, set back, by the respiratory  thing I’ve been battling. Last night was the second night with little sleep. I medicated myself heavily last night at bed time, hoping to sleep. But the coughing kept both Dad and me up all night.

In my dreams, I was expelling demons. This morning Dad helped get me down to the ship’s hospital.

I was a mess. They put me on oxygen, and a steroid inhaler. My fever was 101.4. Which they reported in Celsius, and translated at my request. Nurse jasmine gave me water, which made me nauseous. Doctor Matthias started me on anti-biotics, Tylenol, ibuprofen, and cough syrup.

The respiratory treatment stopped the coughing. This has happened before. I honestly think I would die without the help of others. Violent, endless, uncontrollable coughing. I could not even rise from bed, much less get to a doctor.

4/21/09

The nagual conversation on board here is very interesting. This ship has a good spirit. Jasmine, the nurse said this morning, “now you have your first date”. A pleasant idea. It’s nice hanging out here in the cabin. It’s quiet and unconfused. Room service brought my meals today.

We shared a table last night with a couple. Randy and Karen. The dialogue continued to evolve. I sense they are Christian. I shared about some psychological studies  I have read. How animal and human infants need physical touch. Monkeys that are not coddled do not gain weight at the same rate. How infants that are not engaged show lesser physical and psychological growth.

I have a farmer friend named Walt Mehlenbacher.  I shared a story about one of his calves that he separated from his mother a little too early. The poor calf cried for it’s mother for days, refusing food and water. Mehlenbacher  did not want to reunite the calf with it’s mother. They attempted a medical intervention. Injecting a saline solution they attempted to get the calf to drink. The calf died because it was separated from it’s mother too soon.

Another thing Mehlenbacher shared with me was about the cows he grazed under the high power lines. They grew slower and did not get as large.

Dad then took over the conversational reins. He led the conversation in the direction of one of his personal scientific insights. The Earth has a hot core. Dad has a theory based on Faraday’s Law. Faraday’s Law states that a metallic conductor passing through a magnetic field will generate electrical energy.

The Earth has a metallic core. The sun radiates heat, light and magnetic fields. As the Earth’s metallic core passes through the through the sun’s magnetic fields, electrical energy is created.

I’m attempting to frame up a scientific theory on how the power of prayer is created and directed. Akin to Faraday’s principle on how electrical energy is created.

I know the love vibration can be created and directed. But I’m still thinking in the box.

I need to interject here how children that are read to early on show higher levels of intelligence

The sky cleared today. The temperatures were pleasant.  As we travelled east , the sun set directly off the stern.

Last night’s conversation moved on to global warming. Randy believes global warming is a simple natural process, not to be concerned with. Well, time will tell.

Dad shared his meteor strike prediction. A meteor strike ended the era of the dinosaurs. Dad believes that a meteor strike will end the era of human life on Earth.

I shared that I believe that if we properly pray and meditate, cataclysm cannot occur. Life is an illusion. If we press hard into God, the cataclysm cannot occur.

Randy shared a reading in the Old Testament that the end cannot come until 1000 generations have passed. Doing the math on this prophecy, 17,000 years more must pass before the end comes.

Of course those who have studied the Mayan civilization tell us their calendar ends in 2019. Those who study Nostradamus, or attempt to interpret Biblical symbolism tell us the end is very soon.  But scripture says “no one knows the day or the hour”.

I have a friend in Buffalo named Di. She visited me a couple of weeks ago for tea and conversation. She was just getting past a bug. I think that’s where I got exposed to the bug that got me.

I’m feeling much stronger now. I’ll lay down some prayers.

It’s 9:55pm. We’re entering out third time zone change.

Though I’ve been ill, Dad’s made the rounds today. He’s out now. At one of the nice restaurants.

Part of the dilemma of schizophrenia is the lack of boundaries. I hear people around me, the radio and TV. talking about what is about to happen in my personal future. As if I were both energy and mass simultaneously.

Last night Karen shared how she believes that God has his hand on her destiny.

Today, when Dad was with me down at the ship’s hospital, he got a chance to meet some of the ship’s staff. He’s trying to get a copy of his novel to the ship’s captain.

This pretty much brings the journal up to date.

Wed. 4/22/09

Dad’s having a meeting with the ship’s captain, as I write.

This reminds me of a day at work, cleaning a customer’s home. They are a Jewish family. One of the son’s lives in Israel. He has an import-export business. He buys foods and consumables, by the ton, for distribution and sale in Israel. He has them shipped in huge containers on ocean going vessels.

Anyhow, an important business opportunity brought him back to Amherst. I was cleaning their house the morning of their meeting. As I opened the door to one of the bedrooms to begin cleaning, my customer was busy, in prayer. He was preparing himself for the meeting. He was wearing a skull cap and a shawl. He was chanting prayers from a prayer book, in Hebrew. He was placing the day in God’ hands. Oh, the beauty of devotion.

Dad is wearing his eighty- seven years like a shining crown. He realizes it is grace alone that has extended his years. He loves to dress. He loves a tux. He offsets his age by dressing well. This cruise is mostly casual. But Dad’s in his finery, never the less.

As you look out on the ocean, one can see a double horizon. A slight variance from absolute. Perhaps it has something to do with the five foot swells.

At breakfast we were talking about what intercontinental navigation must have been like before technology. At sea level the horizon is seventeen miles. This limit was extended with an observer in a crow’s nest. Clouds, as well, indicate the presence of an island.

Dad shared a bit of history. In World War II, a Norwegian ship laden with radioactive fuel was captured by the Germans. Rather than surrender this dangerous cargo, the Norse blew up their own ship. Lives were lost.

      The lesser distance theory:

There are times when opportunities and goals are close at hand, readily achievable. It is important to recognize these moments.

Dad just got back from his meeting with the captains. He had great pictures taken, and gave them a copy of his book. It went well. Dad asked for a tour of the engine room. He is happy.

Let me take a moment to steel my mind. There may be difficult moments on this voyage. But never, ever, even for a moment, let myself lose hope or become dismal.

I’ve been abiding by the medication schedule.

 

 

4/22/09 12:50pm.

It’s breezy and partly cloudy.

3:45pm.

Lunch was ordinary. The head waitress has asked her manager if I can visit one of their Christian Fellowship meetings. That would please me. She’ll let me know.

When I was up at Saint Lawrence State, my roommate showed me how to pray the Divine office.  The Divine Office was developed centuries ago. It is a way of entering the Presence of God. That was twenty plus years ago. I don’t remember how it is done.  A priest I know gave me a copy of the book used, I couldn’t figure out how to use it. It was a daily discipline for me, but I fell out of the practice when I was disabled by medication.

We all seem to desire to attract attention to ourselves. Is attention an energy form? Is not fame merely the gathering of attention?

I heard the voices on the elevator say, “he has Glory, but no name”. Very true.

I took a hydroxizine with lunch today. The edge should melt away this afternoon.

As I was preparing to leave our lunch table, I took up my hat. There was a patriotic pin in the hat, though It’s backing had fallen off. I heard the voices from the table behind me say “stand up and look around”. I did that, and found the clasp on the floor nearby.

As an example of the presence of the voices, I shared this with Dad. He responded, “we need another 30,000 years in sailing ships to comprehend these things.

The interventions I endured did not change who I am. I am still waging war, only now I am doing it peacefully.

4/22/09 10:10pm.

This boat, at times, is like a maze. Without maps, and guides, in hand, getting around would be impossible. There are about twenty five restaurants and bars alone.

I ran into Randy and Karen today. They were in the Amazing Race, on board, and took second place.

We visited an art auction today. Did I actually see a Rembrandt go for 25,000 dollars? A lot of nice stuff. The auctioneers name is Kelsey, or Kelsy. I think I met her in the gym, three days ago.

We got in queue for supper at the Grand Pacific. While waiting for a table, we fell into a conversation with two well decked older ladies. Boy, was Dad pouring on the charm. Conversation led us to the Broadway Play we saw two years ago. Right after Dad’s heart attack.

Dad remembered that he didn’t like the show. It was called “Rock and Roll”. It was about the Czech revolution of the seventies. The show had an underlying theme. It was social responsibility. How we need to be activists and revolutionaries.  Here’s the idea;

 

      Revolution,

          Rebirth,

             Renewel,

               Must  be in every generation.

 

      When peaceful revolution succeeds,

          Violent revolution

              Is unnecessary.

 

It was the artists and professors who brought change.

 

At the auction, Dad wondered if there was a shill in the audience. Someone planted to drive up the bids. I don’t think so.

My respiratory crisis has abated. Now I know the reprieve I received was a healing, nothing to be afraid of. Again the voices said “he has glory, just no name”.

 

      Is the leader the one

          Who chooses the roads,

      Or is it the one

           Who built the road.

      Or is it the one

          Who cleared the rocks and trees,

              So the builder could build the roads?

 

4/23/09

Thank God Mom bought trip insurance for me. The coughing started again last night. Keeping both Dad and I awake. I was almost completely over it. But I sat out long in the cold and salty night air on the balcony . I prayed my long prayers out there last night. The cough grabbed a hold of me as a struggled to complete the devotion.  I could feel it grab the back of my throat, and settle in.

Dad has never spoken in spiritual terms. But he asked me in reprimanding tones, “the Spirit told you not to sit long out there last night, why did you not obey”?

Dad’s been very patient. He made calls for me at 4:00am. to meet with nurse Jasmine for another round of albuterol inhalation therapy.

We’re at our first port today. The Azores, islands off Portugal. These are beautiful, sub tropical islands. But when it was time to leave for the shore visit I decided not to go. I did not want to expose others to this bug.  The antibiotics have upset my stomach, as well.  I was tired from lack of sleep, and feverish.

So I rested in. Then I showered and dressed. I said morning prayers on the balcony. It was sunny and warm, overlooking the island. We’re docked at a port city. You can see farms on the distant mountainsides. I see high rise condos, cranes for construction, and plenty of satellite dishes and cell phone towers. There is no lack of technology, at least down here in the city.

Dad came back with photos. Despite my condition, it’s quite nice being here. Overlooking the island from the eleventh floor balcony, I notice there are no fishing boats here. Only pleasure and tourist craft.

You’ve got to play the cards you’re dealt. I pray I’m stronger tomorrow.

4/23/09 3:35pm.

We’ve just left San Pau, our port in the Azores, back on the high seas. It will be two days before we see land again. Dad’s napping. I’ve been praying hard. …

Chief engineer #9940

7:55

It’s so wonderful to be able to do this. The injustice is that only those with wealth get to experience this.

8:00pm.

 

At dinner tonight, Dad was noticing a couple seated nearby. They were not engaged in conversation.

Dinner was elegant. Tomatoes and fresh mozzarella. Escargot. Broiled snapper with chorizo. Cheese cake and vanilla ice cream. The waitresses were adorable. We sat fully aft, right over the prop. The stern wave travelled to the sun setting on the horizon.

I countered Dad’s comment, saying that non verbal communication can also be important. Traveling together, dining together, watching a show together, are all non verbal forms. Touching, love making, – non verbal but very powerful.

Holding a house, raising a family, constant talking, is not needed, nor desirable. Don’t judge others because they are not similar to you.

Dad and I both have narrow bands of extreme intellect. And broad areas of inept. My word skills are high. My psychological and spiritual aptitudes are higher yet. But there are huge areas of inability. If the depth of human knowledge is the length of this ship, my areas of adept are a band one and a half inches wide.

There is a time of growing up, in human children, when learning is easiest. This is when the physical brain and body are growing in size and mass. Not only is knowledge acquired, but intellect is gained as well. As sufficient mental power is acquired, a person gains the wherewithal to address each new situation.

I have a theory.  I call it my “theory of sexual neurology”. This theory governs the individual’s sexual behavior as an adult.

If a child is sexually active while the physical body and brain are growing, this sexual activity will guide the neuro-sexual development. This premature sexual involvement, more than anything else, governs the sexual behavior of the adult. For it is “hard wired” in.

Dad got news, last night, via satellite phone, that his good buddy Jim is back in the hospital. He’s guessing it’s a relapse into cancer.

Heaven is that world across the metaphorical sea. May Jim, and all whom we love, make a safe passage across.

 

The next set of ideas are out of the box, and on the edge. Let’s see if I can get them across.

Speaking of non-verbal communication, let us consider the monks. Every morning at 4:00 am. they gather in the catacombs. There they sit in complete silence for a full hour. It is called “lectio divinus”. I hold this to be more than mental discipline. It is a key to developing psychic and spiritual abilities.

Another psychic phenomenon is practiced and developed up at Saint Lawrence State Hospital, in Ogdensburg. It is given the moniker, “sex in the spirit”. It is mentally contacting a partner in sex by focusing on them while self pleasuring. It is a way we are taught to begin to learn psychic communication.

     The deepest communication begins when the conversation fully stops.

Says a voice that just passed in the hall, this can also be used to help a body “muscle up”.

The use of L.S.D. , a psychedelic, is part of the reason I got way out here, in the middle of the ocean, with no one comprehending me.

L.S.D., and meditation, together, gave me my first psychic experiences. They also led to my psychiatric confinement.

The four M’s that shaped my life:

Mom

Monastery

Mental institution

Mescaline- what the version of l.s.d. I used was called.

 

4/24/09 10:42 pm.

Our first venture of the day was a guest tour of the power plant. The ship is of German design and build. The innovation and complexity is astounding. There are five power plants onboard. There are multiple backup systems. Mechanical, electrical, communications.  Even so, great caution is observed.

I did not sleep well last night, and so napped after the tour. Upon awakening I went out on the balcony. The sea is very blue here.

The engineer who showed us the engines is named Andre. An intelligent and enthused man.

Getting back to our room, a bill was tucked in by the door. For yesterdays medical treatment .               $ 126.00

When I napped today, Sister Susan shower me how she looked after her facial surgery, in a dream.

Very nice, but there were scars.

 

I’ve got a lot of materials for tonight’s entry. I hope it goes easily:

Since any illness can affect the biochemistry of the body and mind, attitudes and behaviors can be affected as well. A physical ailment can have emotional repercussions.

I had to fast a little bit today. The antibiotics caused my system to void. I was somewhat  euphoric, and worked at creating and extending good vibes. If we could train and place local agents, globally, much violence could be averted before thoughts become deeds.

 

      Never forget who you are.

          Lawman without a badge.

              Prince without a crown.

                  Priest with no vestment.

                    Known by no fame.

                          Glory, but no name.

 

I almost anguish when I see all that I’ve been missing. But I will not become angry. If I’d deserved Heaven, I’d have achieved Heaven.

How does one find employment on this ship? I dreamed today that I’m to find a position on this ship, before this cruise is over.

At dinner, I felt a little angry at Dad. I’m having insights that may be going beyond where he is used to thinking. Things he does not desire to comprehend. It’s easier to block things out than to be responsible for new information. Of course, I could blame my inability to teach.

      A prophet is without being comprehended here.

          But hope in this evening’s sunset,

               And tomorrow’s dawn.

 

An agent must be able to initiate and execute a move, before a single breath is completed.

I think that anyone studying to become a psychic agent should do eye strength training. It can be very helpful.

I hope Dad is not getting this illness!

We divest ourselves of ego through the services we remember.

 

 

Things to do when I get home:

New glasses.

Teeth whitening.

Remove cyst.

Learn Liturgy of the Hours.

Study yoga.

 

After dinner tonight, Dad reached into his pocket. I was hoping he’d produce a tin of altoids, and please me to Heaven with the bite of cinnamon.

I remember who I became in Australia, thirty seven years ago. And how I reluctantly surrendered my greatness when I returned to Buffalo. It was like having to check my coat at the door. “Ahhhhh Yes”. I accepted purgatory, but now hope to ascend beyond. Think of Heaven. Every single being must be perfected.

As much as I desire a woman’s touch, I find myself denying, when I might engage. I guess it has something to do with the stars above at night.

      Prayer,

          The simplest of all devotions,

              Is the foundation, and key.

                  To die for a noble cause,

                   Is glitter and glory….

Alright, now somebody tell me why Buffalo is such a backward town. Buffalo used to have almost  one million people, who have moved away by the hundreds of thousands. It was a huge steel and grain town. Now it has but two strengths. The freshwater of Lake Erie, and the Universities and colleges. It was the canal and seaway that made Buffalo. I guess they’re not so important anymore.

11:10pm.

Dad just ducked in, to check on me. He’s really having fun. He said a quick “hello “and went back out to get a cup of decafe, and catch another act.

I want to find out how to apply for a position on this ship. I’m going down to the main desk.

11/24/09 12:50pm.

Inquiring at the desk, I was directed to www.ncl.com

11/25/09 8:00am.

Morning comes. The anger I felt yesterday has been swallowed by the sea. I set my feet upon European ground, for the first time, this morning!

9:15pm.

My first moments on European ground were anxious and confused. We stayed in the cabin long, to avoid the lines. Then had to worry about missing the bus.

We disembarked in Lisbon, which is a large modern city. You see the construction cranes, as hotels and condos are going up. You also see the loading cranes, used for loading the freighters that cross the sea.

I did not exchange dollars for Euros, desiring to keep things simple. And so I did not shop in any of the little stores or restaurants.

A little lady parked herself next to me on the tour bus. She wanted to talk, and was quite warm. But I did not encourage her.

The first town we visited was Sintra. It reminded me of Lake Placid. A small and well heeled mountain town. I’d love to spend some time there. The “rooms for rent” signs there really piqued my curiosity. How long would it take for me to create a new and simplified identity in a small foreign town?

The vegetation here is interesting. Both the sycamores and arbor vitae of the temperate realms, and citrus with palms of the semi-tropics. Landscaping is obviously a real industry. We passed several plant nurseries. Vegetables were being cultivated in front lawns and alongside the roads. Personally, I think that growing things is good for the body, soul, the economy and ecosystem.

I start to look within, and scrutinize. How can I use what I’m experiencing here to better myself, to change my life?

Chestnut trees were growing in town.

I was very careful not to get separated from the group, or wander too far from the bus. Too cautious, in fact. But I do not want to flirt with confusion and trouble of missing the boat.

What would it be like to find a room to rent, in a small town, in the hinterlands?

Dad’s holding up really well. He’s having fun, and enjoying the adventure.

As we passed through the busy city of Lisbon, there were commuter trains and warehouses dressed in graffiti. Busy six lane highways must be a universal constant. Today, on April twenty fifth, we passed under the April Twenty Fifth Bridge. This commemorates the revolution of 1974. It was evidentially the violent overthrow of the preceding governance.

The present government is considered democratic, with elections every four years. The Social Democrats are presently in power.

So let me put my positive attitude back on…..

Sintra’s streets were narrow, steep, and cobblestone. Trees and awnings overhung. Clean, and money. Dad bought himself a coffee. $4.80 U.S. But I won’t bring home a lot of trinkets and stuff. Just this journal of memories.

Cascais.  Our second stop was the sea side city of Cascais. Bright and easy going. An active artist’s community that caters to the flow of visitors.

As we drove back to the bus, there were surfers and fishermen enjoying their holiday. Dad, looking out upon the waters, expressed concerns about pollution.

Now we are back in our state room, overlooking the iconic Christ the King monument, by the famous April 25^th Bridge. This bridge was built by the same concern that erected the Golden Gate in San Francisco. These two edifices, in one photo, reminded me of the mural I did for the Bridge Ministry in Buffalo, in 1994.

 

      Think of reality- mass, space, time, all being in a fluid state. Keep clean, hopeful, and prayerful, Do right. Don’t take on too much.  Onward my conquerors!

I remember the Monument to the Conquerors as the ship gets underway.

There is a bank here in Portugal called the ‘Bank Spiritu Sanctus”. I never even considered there could be such a thing. As I write, on April 25^th, 2009, at 5:30pm. Lisbon time, we pass under the April 25^th Bridge by the Christ the King monument, thus commemorating the Revolution.

Yes, may the Revolution’s fiery light ignite across this planet. The ship’s horns sound. I am excited! Ahhhh Yes!

And to think, Dad was in the shower for this convergence!

4/25/09 11:55

Dad often told me about the huge quantities of food on a cruise. Though I am more than fulfilled without overeating. (Though I did fix a plate for myself at the late night buffet tonight).

I’m thinking about the arts and the cause of freedom. The mind, the power, the arts, and way of life, freedom. Not a license for debauchery.

Food to the hungry, medicine to the sick, set the captives free, let freedom ring! Never, ever, should a person be incarcerated for believing in Mind, in god, in the Mind of God.

If I were at the monastery now, I would sneak into the chapel, and ring the tower bell.

At dinner, Dad asked for his Manhattan like 007’s. Stirred, not shaken.

Never again should the rich grow richer while their workers perish in need.

One man, one mind, can change the real world. Empowered alone by Mind, and the desire to change. Music, writing, arts, as the vehicle of change. Success, as the move of the Spirit.

The monks are the highest expression of human enlightenment I know. I say this because of their verbal response to my unspoken thought. In their physical response to my unanswered need.

 

Dad and I began to dialogue at dinner. He was upset that the staff was not in formal uniforms. They were wearing cute t- shirts with angel wings on them.

Dad began, saying “you can always judge a person by the way they dress”. I countered emphatically saying “no way, you can never judge a person by the way they’re dressed. They’re wearing these t-shirts to make things fun”. There are 1000 workers on this ship. Keeping things light is a huge challenge.

I continued, “think of the pedophile and the con man. These are experts at keeping outer appearances proper. And then go on to do great evils.

I think a smile, and positive attitude are the most important attire.

 

      Fundamental  truth: Always, always, always be building good will.

Managing this illness is like having to carry a ball and chain. But it turns out the chain is gold, and the ball is a crystal oracle.

Monastic Catholicism is quite unlike parish Catholicism. Enough so as to be considered a different religion completely.    Though this thought is heretical, it is possible that different religions and thought systems are all conduits and vessels of the same power.

I spent an hour in the chapel. Then I went the fitness room. In conversing with a woman there I realized that I do not know the itinerary. But I do know tomorrow we will be in Spain.

As I sat writing here tonight, Dad unconsciously spoke something about “no Gambling”. The voice on TV said something about sleep being restorative. It’s time to restore myself. Goodnight.

Sun.4/16/09 9:35

We crossed our fifth or sixth time zone last night. We are now positioned off the coast of Cadiz Spain.  The winds are heavy. It’s raining hard. The captain announced that the seas are too heavy to dock. The ship is listing, leaning, riding out the storm.

Our waitress, Maureen, just brought Selvin Knox over to our table. He is one of the leaders of the onboard Christian congregation. We’re hoping there will be time for an hour of fellowship.

1:50pm.

We’re at a little restaurant in Cadiz now. Narrow streets, huge squares, many watchtowers. They don’t speak English, they don’t take U.S. dollars. A glass of sherry was included with this walk through town.

2:10 pm.

The sun is coming out. It’s warming up. What a beautiful seaside city. Population 150,000. It’s an old city, going back to medieval times. Columbia sailed out of Cadiz. Napoleon attempted to take this town, but failed.

    Voices, the ticket inspector, today, upon reboarding:  “you’ll have to go cold turkey”.

I do visualize working on this ship. Chaplain and counselor.

9:00p.m.

Things were awkward this morning in the theater, as the different shore trip groups waited to disembark. Maria, the cute little lady who was in charge of things, was trying to keep things light as the crowd waited too long to disembark.

She shared that she was from Rumania, the home of Dracula. In fact Count Dracula was a good and righteous ruler. However it was his use of corporal punishment that led to his awful reputation.

As the crowd waited in precarious silence, I was tempted to take the mike, and try some jokes. I did end up sharing with Maria that I know a lot of jokes that she could learn. Jokes that could help her in crowd control, at the needed moment. I shared a joke with her, which she succeeded in telling the audience. She said she’d call me.

Dad and I exchanged dollars for Euros today. Tomorrow we’ll buy something on our trip ashore.

Conversation at dinner tonight was excellent. We touched on the development of the black over class, the materialism of the established church, the obscenity and uselessness of TV. We sat with a Mr. and Mrs. Gow of Massachusettes.

Now, as I sit in the Crystal Lounge on the seventh deck……oops, there’s that lady that was so forward on the bus yesterday. She’s just approached Dad. Got to go.

10:56pm.

I just finished prayers, on the balcony. The stars seem to rise and fall, with the slow rocking of the ship. Even though it is fully dark now, we are escorted by seagulls effortlessly gliding alongside.

 

4/7/09 8:45am

We are in a Spanish port named Marabella and Puerto Banus. It is a bright and cheery morning on the mountainous coast. It was in Marabella, on this beautiful morning where I felt, for the first time, that I could make this town my home. It was a calm spring morning, bright, peaceful, and dewy. Swallows chattered as they flew overhead. Trees again from both the temperate and tropical regions. Palms and ficus.

Yesterday we passed just four miles from the African coast. I feel as if my inner spirit is growing and learning on this voyage. Passengers on board are relaxing, mellowing, and growing friendly. My body would love the company of one of the ladies on board. It is the clinic’s nurse, Jasmine, that appeals to me.

Last night I had three dreams. In the first I was visiting a family that I did not know, in their home. As I tried to leave, they poured buckets of nuts and bolts over me. They stuck to me as if I were a magnet. I was so weighed that I could not move.

I was visiting friends in the second dream too. Their property was flooded, as if it had been rained upon. We were catching fish in the flooded garden and lawn.

In the third dream, we were in a truck loaded with guns and garbage. As we off loaded Justin’s rifles, a boy told us that every gun we handle must sell for at least four hundred dollars.  I recognized the boy, but I do not from where. He was speaking with an impediment, as if retarded.

Here in Marabella, winters do not freeze. Sixty five degree highs. Summers are hot. One hundred degrees. We are in Andalusia, 80,000 square miles. The high snowy mountains, at 11,000 feet, look like the Rockies.

In 1847, Arab rule was expelled by the Christians. Land in the Golden Mile, along the coast, sells for 15,000 Euros a meter. This Golden Mile along the coast is the home of billionaires and movie stars. The King of Saudi has a residence here. It is a replica of our White House, where he summers with his entourage of 2000 servants. And then there is Spain’s own version of urban sprawl.

I should be elated in all I am experiencing. But I am angry in realizing all I have been denied. All my illness, my life path has denied me.  I have been created, wired, educated, into this certain human form. For better, or for worse.

4/27/09 12:15pm.

Now we stroll the streets of Puerto Banus. Yachts and glistening storefronts. Snowy mountains in the distance. I think of the behavior of certain middle class character’s I know. Pleading poverty in one breath, feigning wealth the next. Whatever serves their purposes.

I’m pushing Dad around in a wheelchair on these busy streets. I have to watch the time, the traffic, the others in the group, as well as the sidewalks and streets under foot. Dad is rude when his needs are not met instantly. Not fun.

Picasso was born in Malaga, the port we were docked in this morning. He painted from the time he was sixteen years old to the  day before he died, at ninety years. I pray to do the same.

Sugar cane was introduced here in the tenth century, by the Arabs. Some citrus.  In recent decades citrus has been replaced with more lucrative kiwis, mangoes, and avocados. Olives and grapes are also grown. The wine “Malaga” is named for this region.

I’m reminded of certain friends I have back in the States. Randall and Dave. Good and strong men I consider brothers.

I look upon the huge disparity between the rich and the poor. I see poverty is a problem. I see wealth is a problem too. Wealth is a huge international problem. I have a problem indulging in this luxury as millions of my sisters and brothers, worldwide, are starving. Without food, clean water, and medicine.

I see birth control as a huge international need. I know the teachings of our Holy Church. But is it right to bear an infant who is to die in starvation, thirst, or disease? Over population burdens the world ecosystems as well.  A certain amount of money and resource should be diverted into birth control and education.  Birth control of the type that blocks conception. Not abortion. Dad was talking about the creation of national discipline. Here is the need for international discipline.

 

      Need one- the discipline of prayer.

      Need two- preconception birth control.

I see poverty and it’s consequences as an evil.

I see the greed of the wealthy, and it’s consequences as an evil too.

Tues. 4/29/09

We took dinner last night at one of the nicer restaurants onboard. Dad talked about the U.S., in the era before the trade unions. The rich amassing great wealth, the workers in poverty and dangerous conditions.

On the elevator, we met a man with a cast on his hand. He’d been mugged on a bus, in Lisbon.

We saw Flamenco dancers in the theatre, on board yesterday. A very lively and entertaining act.

Last night, my cough returned.

I just met a lady named Tanya in the Spinnaker in deck thirteen. We had a short, but pleasant conversation. My next activity is to meet the captain and hotel director right here, in ten minutes.

Every morning as I awaken, I feel like a pile of trash. However, by bed time, I know I am a prince.

We had an open meeting today with the captain and his staff. Evidently, a sailboat crossed our bow quite closely, off the course of Portugal. The passengers were concerned. When the captain was asked about it he said “you must cut off the dragons tail to drink it’s blood.

I wonder how thick the hull is on this boat.

I feel like I’ve done well in overcoming illness. However, I feel like I’ve not even begun to live as an artist, writer, guide and healer.

At dinner time we talked about marijuana. How the regular use of marijuana may block psychological development. And possibly enhance creative expression. We agreed that marijuana should be regulated like whiskey.

When we get home, I’m going to focus hard on my art and writing.

Don’t create a long list of sins committed against you by others. Forgive.

 

      Need three- vocational  training, education, for all.

 

4/29/09

Corsica.

Corsica is the fourth largest Island n the Mediterranean. We disembarked in the city of Ajaccio. Napoleon was born here. Corsica is a lesser developed Mediterranean region, with a separate language, and no MacDonald’s.  It is one hundred fifty by fifty miles. While it’s coasts are tropical, the mountainous interior is alpine.

The culture is matriarchal, family ties are important. It is women who lead the bandit gangs, or at least make many of their decisions. A saying is “men ride the donkeys while women pull them”.

The narrow winding roads took us high into the mountains. Herds of feral pigs were grazing the grassy meadows. The meadows are surrounded by forests. Chestnut trees provide food for wild swine.

We stopped at a quaint restaurant, thirty minutes up into the mountains. They served local cheeses, meats like pastramis, and wine.

Small towns could be seen on the distant mountain sides. A small gauge railroad and narrow dirt roads could be seen winding through the hills.

The tour guide says that development is slow because the locals bomb or burn down any project they do not approve of.

But this island is really beautiful. I would love to spend time here in Corsica. The man sitting by us on the bus is from Vancouver. He claims to be a geologist. He said that weather patterns in his town speak of global cooling, not warming. And that the icecaps are melting because of submerged volcanoes.

The island population is 260,000. Literacy is low. Their first dictionary was not published until 1974.

But they are a very musical people. Much teaching is done through song.

The aromatic Mackey trees will bloom soon. Honey is made here. The streams running down the mountainsides hold trout, and are very clean. Asperdi flowers grow wild on the roadsides. They are a symbol of death. Grapes grow in the warmer area, down close to the ocean.

I take courage in the graffiti, which I have translated as best I can. “Patriots for liberation” and “the socialist party for independence”.

There must be a way I can find a way to see more of the world, to talk to more people, to learn more.

The Christians on staff here have asked me to attend one of their meetings.

More important than anything else in my life is the sharing of these ideas, my ideas. These concepts are life.

Our waiter at dinner tonight was a young Philippine man. When I told him about the wild pigs he wondered about hunting. I think there are hunting seasons in Corsica. Juanito, our waiter, began to talk about hunting in his homeland, that it was unregulated. He went on to tell of the Mormon missionaries there. They travel deep into the remote wilderness to work with the natives. They teach not only the Word, but English and environmental conservation as well.

At dinner I was attempting to grasp an understanding of what greatness truly is. Hard to define, it is something we all strive for.

You see, it is not only the material resources of the wealthy that need to be shared, but the intellectual property as well.

Thursday 4/30/2009

The Vatican:

Our guide through the Vatican today was a fiery Italian woman named Katarina. Her passion for her church and for her God was palpable, touchable, and real. She explained how the architecture, the art and the sculpture, the altars and the relics are part of a huge and intentional divine order that has taken millennia to unfold. With the Pope present, as Christ, it is here that God is.

On the bus from the docks in Civitavecchia into Rome, Randy, Karen and I sat close. As we passed water treatment plants, vineyards and flocks of sheep, Randy and I started talking guns and hunting.

The entrance to Rome is canopied by sycamores, and condos are going up. Graffiti is ever-present

Rome has three million people. Two million cars. One million scooters. It is a busy and cosmopolitan place, buzzing like New York City.

Katarina is a skilled guide. We all wore headsets, to keep in touch. It was the only way to hear her above the noise of the milling thousands. She new whereto stop and wait, what to say and do.

We saw one floor of seven, in one palace of seven. Sculpture, tapestry, fresco, mosaic. I could take but few photos. It was all too,too much.

I had to think about the devotions I’ve been observing for years. How long before I receive an answer to my prayer?

Katarina spoke of the Cross of Peace, the Mosaic, and the Rosary as the three keys of salvation. The Rosary I know well. However I am not certain how the Mosaic and the Cross of Pace fit into the plan of salvation.

She spoke of the eternal materials from whence these palaces and their contentsare constructed. Granite, marble, gems and gold. There are twenty five tons of little stones stored in the Vatican treasury.  To be used in future mosaics.

There were frescos on the walls. These were maps of the Mediterranean painted with great accuracy four hundred years ago. Before satellites or gps.

In the Vatican there is a central altar. Beneath this altar are the bones of Peter. Above the altar are sculptures of protecting angels. Above all of this stands the obelisk of Saint Peters square. Only the Pope can say mass from this altar. And as he does this Jesus Christ is incarnate. This is the theology of the Vatican.

It was here I lost my footing, and fell hard on the stone floor. Our second guide helped me to my feet. The steps of stone, and the floors were all worn smooth by millions upon millions of footsteps. On the way out was a flowing basin of holy water. I blessed myself.

But stepping outside I began to feel angry again. This huge excess of wealth, while millions starve. The hierarchy living in regal splendor while their followers starve. And there is no place to starve.

Here Randy and I talked N.R.A. again. I’ve been wearing an N.R.A. hat. Another gentleman approached me. He told me he was a federal firearms dealer. And that his handgun sales have tripled since Obama’s taking office. The price of ammo has tripled too, if you can find it at all.

I do not like being a face in the crowd, a forgotten soul. My message is more central and relevant than all this opulence could ever say.

The stories of our church have become mythic. Like the stories of Roman and Greek gods. Like unto the enigma of the Pharaohs .The power of this wealth is something different than the power of our Holy Spirit. Holy Spirit must transcend granite altars, marble sculptures, and dead men’s bones.

The Holy Spirit is not something to be possessed by and controlled those who possess gold or riches.

It was Jesus plan that all men and women have access to him. Regardless of race, age, sex or tradition. The only power that can bring sufficiency, peace and justice is our Holy Spirit. And this is given to all men, not to be controlled by wealth or guns.

I see all the religious stuff for sale in the stores and the stalls by the Vatican. I cannot buy trinkets or souvenirs. So much revolving around money here. This is not what our Lord Jesus Christ means to me.

 

Basic common sense: There is a need to process human waste. There is a need for fertilizer. Why not integrate the two?

Basic commonsense: The rich have the knowledge and the power to help the poor. They should help them.

 

It is intrinsically wrong to forcefully separate a wealthy man from his honest gain. But could not the wealthy be made to see that their help is so needed?

I overheard a conversation today. “Not having a mate is a version of hell”.  However, choosing the wrong mate could be hell as well.

Our cute little guide shared with us, “speaking Italian is easier if you drink a little wine”.

 

SCHEDULE FOR THE COLISEUM:

MORNING. ANIMAL VS. ANIMAL

AFTERNOON. ANIMAL VS. MAN

EVENING.MAN VS.MAN

As we left the old city, there were many wagons and merchants with their wares. The vendors looked dirty, like gypsies. “There are the wolves”, our guide offered.

Simply put, the next dimension of intellect is where conscious psychic abilities begin.

Anyway, as we arrived back in port the fishing boats were coming in. One had a huge tank filled with sardines.

Dad got a massage today, while I was in Rome.

When I returned to our cabin, he was dressing for cocktails with friends he made. We met with a lady named Loreen, with whom we have had conversations.

The Christians on board are having me lead prayer tonight, in an hour. I must prepare now.

Livorna Pisa 5/01/09

The meeting last night went well. However I could have, and should have talked longer. I took the pulpit for ten minutes. My teaching was accepted. I spoke about the gradual transformation brought about by daily prayer.

I do like the sound of the Italian language.” Gracea, Bon Journo”.

Giordanna was our tour guide today. She was so considerate. Seeing that Dad was struggling to keep up, she gave us the attention needed to assure that we didn’t get separated from the group. We made it to the Square of Miracles, where the famous leaning tower stands. The mountains outside of Livorna are made of white Carrera marble. The source of stone for histories great sculptors. “The  master piece is in the stone, the artist just brings it to life.

Somehow Dad and I started talking about smoking. A beautiful girl walked by in spike heels, sexy clothes, smoking. “How’d she get it that twisted”, I asked.

Dad shared how they recruited smokers in the military, passing out free smokes. They used to do the same thing in the hospital too. In the hospitals, tobacco was used as a control measure. Step out of line, loose your cigarettes, go into withdrawal.

One thing about aging and touring is having to anticipate the need to pee every forty five minutes.

Italy has more than the usual amount of pretty women. Giordanna’s friend, Eva , took over the second part of the tour. She helped us find the shuttle back to the bus, offering to take us on a tour of the city of Livorna, if we wanted. But I’m diligent to make all connections, I don’t want to get lost.

A street vendor in Pisa was selling Rolex watches for Five Euro. And to think I didn’t buy!

Graffiti in Livorno: “end racism”.

Giordana pointed out pine nuts growing on the trees, and gave us the recipe for pesto sauce.” Basil, olive oil, cheeses, and pine nuts”

There was a huge U.S. military base near Pisa. It’s been there since W.W.II.

World peace remains an issue. I believe in prayer and meditation, fasting and abstinence.

 

Here is the principle of reflexivity: Our world will reflect the workings of our minds. We have the power to overcome evil by controlling what we do with our minds. Even natural disaster could be the consequence of negative thoughts.

As I indulge in another beautiful dinner, I see I’ll have to bring into my life some level of fasting.

9/11 and the Oklahoma bombings could be the result of what we, as a nation, do with our minds.

We can go to war, in an attempt to end war, but that might be self consumption. The only way to peace is to create and project peace with our minds. This is what the Rosary is all about.

Could insanity be sensing some foreboding evil, and then trying to evade it with strange behavior? This too would be a self defeating cycle.

 

Cannes, France 5/02/09

Here the Mediterranean is clean and blue. There were fishermen out on every point and jetty.  It was a calm, warm and clear day. I must comment that there is an ongoing psychic repartee going on. People around me are responding out loud to my thoughts as if they were audible. And also offering guidance as to how I might wisely handle myself in situations before they occur. I’m not going to spell out each instance, but rather say it is ongoing.

Cannes is a town of red Ferraris and yachts. There is the Riviera, famed and beautiful.

There is a railway here, built in 1864. It is five and a half hours to Paris.

I see the same patterns over and over again. Viola, our guide today, tells of a man imprisoned for speaking against the wealth of the church, and it’s unwillingness to help the poor.

At one stop, there are wild geraniums, five feet tall. Steep rocky cliffs and a rocky shoreline.

 

Again, the saving thought: generate love and peace within through prayer. Then project it outwards. We can transcend the world system.

      Creating and projecting peace is like baking bread to share.

Next time, carry more Euros! Cannes is developed with hotels, condos, villas, and yachts. Again the most desirable real estate belongs to the rich, with a few exceptions.

Again a saving thought: we have the ability to save our world, if we can overcome our greed, apathy and ignorance.

A voice from the crowd, “you’re going to have a heart attack when you get back”.  We’ll see. Just stay close. The time will come when I’ll leave this body behind.

Dad lost his key card today. It was just a little problem to replace it. The new cards being issued, we went up to the Blue Lagoon to see Maureen. We exchanged e-mail addresses, hugs, and goodbyes. My poetry is being circulated here.

We met a young man named Julien in town today. He’s visiting from Paris with his girlfriend. He was telling me about a game they play here called La Petangle, while drinking a liquor called pastis. It’s kind of like bocce, but with metal balls. His email address is jszabason@yahoo.fr.

With tourism such a huge industry here, tourist enterprise is taught in the universities.

In conversation on the bus back to the boat, a travel companion offered that if governments of the world elect women, there would be less violence. As women by nature nurture.

To see fishermen mending their nets was like going back in time.

I fear contradicting the teachings of the church. I am afraid to say publicly the church has way too much money, and does way too little to help those in need.

Tonight I’ll eat a vegetarian dinner.

The hypostatic union is the process through which Jesus became the Christ. The monks said of me that I “was trying to reinvent the hypostatic union”.

As we toured the Vatican earlier this week, I sent out the thought “will I ever be able to get my ideas out there. To where they are useful and effective tools in bringing about change”? The tour guide responded verbally, “it’s set up, really, it’s all set up”.

Tonight, our last night on board, we’re dining with Randy and Kevin. I usually lead grace when we dine together. Karen always closes with, “in Jesus name”.

 

Barcelona Sunday 5/03/09

We’re on the bus now, waiting to shuttle from the pier to the airport. Our helper today was named Netta. A sweet woman, African American. She stayed right with us, from the boat to the bus. Through the line and check in points. She helped with Dad and his wheelchair, and all the bags. She was with us for an hour. When I offered to tip her, she adamantly refused. She tearfully pleaded, “please pray for me”.

Last night we dined with Randy and Karen. The conversation was casual. Travel, hunting, all that we’ll need to attend to when we get home.

It’s a beautiful Spain morning. I’m a little uneasy, praying to pass all points with grace and speed.

The attendants are gathered outside the bus door. They are bantering in Spanish. The mood of the day is light.

10:03am

I left a copy of one of my books with Dr. Matthias and his wife, Caroline. A master copy of “White Elephants”. This I did as an offering, that we find a way to publish, and get the project going.

Here on the cruise ship they call me “Sir Michael”. They’ve invited me to guide the congregation. They refuse my money, but ask me for prayer. It’s a bit like the story “Gulliver’s Travels”. Here I have become a giant. At home I get little respect and accommodation. I hope our bags arrive home with us.

1:05pm

Below us now are the blue waves of the Atlantic. From Barcelona we flew over many miles of high mountains. Then a region where the farmers fields were just turning green. Again, it was our faithful attendants that got us from the Gem, to the plane in Barcelona.

I’m thinking about some dishes I’m going to cook when I get home. A seafood stew with red broth, shrimp, mussels, scallops and fish. A traditional Italian dinner with tomato sauce made with pork and venison. Pasta made with pesto. The recipe Giordano gave us in Lavorna. And curry, maybe lamb. I’ve never made curry before. But it will be easy.

Now, let’s take a moment to recap what I’ve learned on this trip.

#1) When we learn to pray and fast, we are learning to create and project peace and well being.

#2) The poor need both intellectual and material assistance from the wealthy.

#3) We, humankind, have at our disposal the wherewithal to create a near perfect world.

#4) The worldwide green movement needs all the attention we can give it.

#5) Even people without wealth should be given access to beautiful natural places.

#6) Education and medical assistance should be available to all.

#7) Preconception type birth control should be highly proliferated. Abortion is not right. Neither is having a child starve to death.

#8) Psychic gifts are the natural extension of intelligence. They can be cultured through prayer, meditation, art, study, and life experience.

#9) The church needs to play a larger role in helping the poor. Possibly through divesting itself of a portion of it’s wealth.

#10)The principle of reflexivity must be comprehended and employed.

#11) Anyone who desires to can impact their world.

 

1:30pm N.Y. time

We’ll be landing at Kennedy in thirty minutes. Got to go.

5:10pm.

We’re at the Jet Blue Kiosk at Kennedy. Getting from terminal to terminal was a huge hassle. Balancing bags, locating wheelchairs, keeping all our helpers tipped, negotiating lines and crowds.

If you get to a point where you are inadvertently projecting negative energy, this may be a good time to fast. Also, you may be over tired, and rest might help.

Last Page: We have the power to save the world. We, as human civilization, can grow to overcome greed, and love one another. Or we can face destruction.

Last entry 5/09/09 12:44pm

I am back at my apartment, here in Buffalo. Again, as I return home I have to check my ego at the door. I’m unpacked, and reorganized. Going through my mail, I received a letter slashing my disability benefit to seven hundred dollars a month. A prince in one land, a pauper in the next. A chance to use faith.

The ROC project has one third the needed funding, at this point. Just to get the project up and running. As I see it, the second phase is to bring rebirth and renewal to all our Western New York. Then I see Holy Fire spreading across our nation, a wholly around the globe.

Just as we only have a small fraction of the money needed to get things going, we only have a fraction of the insight and spiritual power we’ll need to fully succeed in this.

I remember the treasure in the closet. It was full of gold, chalices, and gems. I see this journal is the key. The power in the concepts it holds. In devotion to God, we find power, insight…….

Back home in Buffalo

 

 

Having arrived back in Buffalo, the flow of thoughts continued. I continued to write as well, for as long as the spirits kept speaking.

In a dream, someone told me this….Ommmm is the sound of the Holy Spirit eternally worshipping, praising God.

The names of the saints and angels are our trail markers. Their legends and rites become our religions.

I would not ask a person to change religion, but just practice in greater devotion. (My thoughts on this have changed).

Even though I am upset with the greed and corruption of the church, I still lay here sick in bed, deeply needing the Sacraments it bears.

Let me summon courage here. My monthly disability check has been reduced from 1500.00 a month to 700.00 a month. I got a letter informing me of this in the stack of mail I picked up after returning home from Europe. When I read this letter it felt like I got kicked in the gut. I had to lie down as chest and head pains began. Mt temperature rose to 103.2.  With 1500.00 a month plus the bit I can earn, I was getting around Okay. But 700.00 spells poverty.

Honestly, I think one of the artists I hired to illustrate a children’s book has done witchcraft over me.

I criticized her work, wanting to bring the project to a higher level.  But this bug has been in my system for almost a month. I believe it was Diane who exposed me to it, originally. She came over for an evening. As we shared tea, late in the evening, she shared that she had been ill.

Now I’ve been very ill. I have a serious financial problem. Is this all a normal sequence of events or are dark forces at play? I’m very uncomfortable.

I’ve sent out category 55b applications. For an art therapists position in the state psychiatric system. I’m lifting my eyes to God, consciously, deliberately. I feel like I need to take the sacraments of confession and communion. Something to lift this heavy burden I feel. Almost scary. I can hardly believe that a loss of income can cause medical problems, physical and mental.

The sequence of insights has continued since returning home. Though with reduced intensity and frequency.

Christianity and Catholicism are fully sufficient. To step into Universalism could be condemned as heresy.

I had this vision of a white marble staircase. Beyond the top of the stairs was an incredibly bright white light. A voice said “this is the way to God’s throne”.

Dad shared one of his dreams with me. He was out in space, observing the path of planetary bodies. Their rotation and revolution.

A conversation overheard, “the oracle is going to be a strong one”.

Another conversation overheard, “it’s helpful to break up around the roots”.

I see here, that money too, is a form of energy necessary for survival, and linked to the well being of an entity.

I believe there are separate dynamic cells within the same Holy Spirit. This needs to be explored.

For me, here and now, I desire to continue my vigil of prayer, and see where it leads.

I’ve had times in my life when insights and revelations processed through my mind. My mind does not produce these thoughts anymore than a movie screen produces a movie.

Some of these writings have survived, many have been lost. Now I see that insight and revelation have a life of their own. The Holy Spirit recalls them to me as needed.

I have a friend named Sean. We have a reflective friendship. He was telling me about how a blue heron was trying to steal the fish on his line. I went fishing and had the same experience with a huge snapping turtle.

Last time we talked, both of us were battling a bug. He was on his second course of antibiotics. Two days later I was given the same prescription.

On board the ship, I got to know a musician named James. He has a mellow guitar act. I listened into his performances a few times. My first thought was “what a life”. To live as a gifted musician onboard a cruise ship. But my thought progressed, he could be stricken with some misfortune, like cancer, and this perfect life could come undone. Then I thought, “I could project the thought of cancer toward him”. But I did not allow myself to project or cast the thought of disease. As he finished his set, he addressed me personally, “that was a pretty close one”. “It could have been man to man”.

I have always valued honesty. But earning a wage when you are on disability is very complicated.

Just work under the table, hide it, and lie if you need to. This is the general consensus. But it goes against my grain. Now, however, I may have to bring my books into present my case. Fortunately, I have stayed close to the mark.

I have my insights, live close to the commandments, labor to love. I honestly think that I am a prophet. But then wonder if I am losing my mind. The important thing, as the lady on the radio just said, “is to keep yourself safe and healthy”. There is definitely something going on. This is what I’m sure of:

It’s about the salvation of souls, in the traditional Christian sense.

It’s about the renewal of the eco-systems.

It’s about the revitalization of our communities.

It’s about teaching people to become fountains of energy.

It’s about developing our gifts. Both physical and mystical.

 

All this darkness and hardship I’m dealing with may relate to contentions with one of my illustrators. I was upset with way she handled the project, and let her know. I felt she should have given me opportunity to critique her work before submitting finals. I paid her in full, but let her know in writing that I was not pleased, completely. She answered me with an angry letter, vowing never to partner with me again.

Immediately I wrote her back saying I appreciated her honest though angry reply. I told her I would call her when I got back from Europe. Well, I came back to hardship. My benefits were slashed. Dad and I both fell ill. I have business problems I’m having difficulty solving. I need helpers and have not been able to find one.  It seems as if this girl is a witch. She may have cast black magic in my direction. I never considered that she would seek revenge through witchcraft. If I had I would have handled things differently. I could answer her curse with a curse of my own, but this is all in the realm of evil. Black magic is every bit as evil as corporal violence. But I goaded her. I should have known better.

6/06/09

I lost my damn hat! My good N.R.A. hat, which I wore on our trip. I hope it turns up.

The social security checks are still coming in at the full amount. The legal reconsideration process has begun, nevertheless. I’m hoping the benefits remain intact. I’m heavily involved in community service. The funds must come from somewhere.

 

 

 

 

Justin and I took the Pike master out on April first. Our little fishing boat. It was a cold, windy, fishless day. That night, as we were putting the engine away, Justin decided it was time to get high. It was dark out, cold, his boots were unlaced. He tripped over his laces when he was carrying the heavy outboard. The skeg unit, a casting, broke. He promised to repair it.

I had to get angry with him. His promise is to get the repair done this coming week. I hope he follows through. His smoking has caused trouble before. Getting high, loosing parts, getting things screwed up. And all this is avoidable. Just don’t smoke when you’re working on equipment.

Greg, Cody and I went frogging two weeks ago, down at Greg’s. We got down in a swamp on Mehlenbacher’s. It was dark, with fireflies flickering.

The frogs started to sing. The high trill of the peepers. The soprano squeak of the tree frogs. Green frogs playing the banjo. Bull frogs on the bass. Bull frogs as large as chickens.

We snuck around in the muck with our flashlights. Greg was waist deep as Cody and I illuminated the way. It was rough going for Greg, as beavers had things pretty chewed up. He kept falling in underwater sink holes. But we got a few frogs.

Earlier in the day Cody and Greg went fishing for sunnies. This was Saturday. On Sunday we had frog legs and sunfish for dinner.

We did screw up my multi-tool however. Our first spear handle broke. In fashioning another spear handle from a sapling, Greg beat the daylights out of my multi-tool. He replaced it with one of his when we got back to camp.

Dana- brother in law- went fishing with me three weeks ago. We caught a pumpkinseed, a blue gill, and two bullheads at Dann Road Pond. Then we went to Justin’s dock and caught a nice bass, a big sucker, a nice bullhead and some rock bass.

I bought a canoe, and built a roof rack to carry it on my van.

Here is a list of the community service I’m doing:

CAG for the ROC. I’m representing the patients of the state hospital in the effort to bring new life to the Richardson Complex.

I’m sitting on the ACAC for the town of Amherst. Guiding the development of lands in Amherst.

I’m youth counselor for the Squires, youth arm of the Knights of Columbus. We are endeavoring to stock town waters with fish as community service.

I’m helping Mom and Dad keep their home, in doing the landscaping at their home in Amherst.

I’m creating artwork, preparing for my next show. I’m hoping to show at the Burchfield Penney in Buffalo.

I’m making my service available to the community cleaning and gardening.

Beyond this, I’m keeping a vigil of prayer, with devotions every day.

We’ve got a fundraiser scheduled this Saturday for the Squires. We’re sponsoring a safe driver course. The course costs thirty dollars for each participant. In turn we get ten percent off our auto insurance for three years.

A regular meeting was scheduled for yesterday, Sunday the sixth. One of my youth, an arrogant and self involved young man cancelled the meeting without telling me, or any of the other counselors. It seems like he made other plans and not wanting to look bad, called the others and told them not to show up. A disrespectful and inconsiderate prank.

Meanwhile, Justin is angry with me.

I’m facing frustration every way I turn, these days. The disability payment reduction hopefully, won’t happen. The 55B application has been fruitless. The landlord at Helen Street is dragging his feet on needed repairs.

Diane and I have split, after passing the bug to me that I passed to Dad. And he’s been sick for more than a month.

My little business is, well, little. But I cannot take on more, because of physical limitations.

The children’s books still have not found a publisher.

The artwork goes unrecognized.

The last art project I worked on was a study of the trout. I would like to continue this project. I could take some time out, and just stay at my apartment, and do art.

Or, now here’s an idea. There is a pond, back in the woods, at the monastery. I could make a retreat, and bring my fishing stuff, and worms.

And the Chemung River holds some nice bass, and tiger muskies, too.

Meanwhile, the van is beginning to show rust. There are some brackets, underneath. They are perfect for tying down the canoe. But they will rust out in a couple more winters, if they are not treated. I found some rustoleum in the basement.

6/15/09

I painted and installed the brackets for the canoe. They should work well. We’re ready to venture forth.

I am in my room, now, at the monastery. The ride down went well. I stopped a few times to center and stretch. I dropped in at my Godmother’s in Mount Morris. I had to go right by her house.

As I approached the monastery, I crossed the Chemung River. Its wide clear and shallow where route 225 turns off route 352, near Elmira. Conditions look right for canoeing and fishing.

On the subject of my youth group, they are out of control. Without the counsel of their advisors they exhausted our treasury, sending five delegates to the yearly convention. Imprudently overindulging.

I started reading an article in a Catholic magazine, before dinner. The article was on the problem of embezzlement. It seems embezzlement is a huge problem in the Church today.

I’ve held suspicions that our monsignor has had his hands in the till. But I have no proof.

Brother Steven read over dinner tonight. It was a piece broadening the boundaries of who will be

saved, and who will be damned.

“Salvation is given to those who desire to be saved, who desire to do right, who love the sanctified because of their goodness”. This gets a whole lot more people into heaven. It gets Dad in, and that’s my primary concern right now. His strength is failing with this last bout. But he’ll probably rally again.

I went looking for my little pond back in the woods. I searched for two hours, but could not find it.

As I cut through the pasture, a big black sheep came to greet me, as if she wanted to play. She jumped up on me as I tried to get the camera ready.

I just called home. Mom and Dad are well.

 

6/16/09

The mayor of Mombassa,

And the famous tan Kanoodle,

Went out to drink a glassa,

Then contemplate and doodle.

 

They talked of maids and snowy peaks,

Flowers, fjords, and fountains.

Ten parakeets with stocky beaks,

And back to white capped mountains.

 

The mayor mused, somewhat confused,

Why sky and sea are blue.

Kanoodle stubbed her toe and bruised,

While exiting her pew.

 

They did agree upon one thing,

In acts and conversation,

That beautiful are morns in spring,

When called to lead a nation.

 

6/16/09

The sequence of thoughts and ideas has slowed down again. I’m back in my own land, and my psyche acts differently, normally. There are some things intended for the journal that did not get written in. I found them last night in my shoulder, passport case.

I see a note about the Mormon outreach in the Philippines. The missionaries go to the remote tribes teaching English, conservation, and the word of God.

And then another note. “ I cannot comprehend the anatomy of greatness, though it is something we all strive for.

And then a reiteration of a concept covered in the last journal. “The poor need the intellectual resources of the wealthy, as well as the material”. Let me take a moment to express thanks to my Dad for making the European trip possible.

6/17/09

I found the pond. Its way back in the woods. I caught ten bluegills. There are five inch long bullfrog tadpoles in there, as well as minnows, salamanders, bullfrogs and deer flies. And red wing blackbirds nesting in a bush that reaches out over the pond. I caught ten bluegills, and kept five.

6/18/09

The meals have been good. Breakfasts are always the same. Different dry cereals, granola, coffee and milk. Sometimes orange juice or bananas. The noon meal is the largest meal. Yesterday this was served:

Cabbage salad with apples.

Baked breaded fish.

Glazed beets.

Cider, milk, coffee, tea.

Dessert. Homemade molasses, chocolate cookies. Oatmeal and pecan cookies.

 

On Tuesday this was served:

Sheep burgers with catsup.

Baked rosemary potatoes.

Spinach salad.

Bread and butter.

Watermelon for dessert.

The evening meal is a light meal.

Salad, potato and egg.

Cabbage salad.

Cheese.

Bread and butter.

Cider, milk, coffee and tea.

 

Last night for my late night meal, I cooked my five sunfish. I sprayed the frying pan with oil, then steamed the fish in water and wine. The pan was covered to keep the steam in. I’ve never steamed fish before. When cleaning the fish I merely cut the heads off, scaled them, and took the entrails out. There was little waste this way.

I took a little wine with this special meal. This was the reason I made this trip.

In yesterdays mass the reading said, “do not curse the poor, nor despise the afflicted”. Father James presided.

Sometimes retreatants here forget themselves and talk in loud voices in the guesthouse. I reminded one of the priests to keep his voice down, saying “right time and place”.

6/18/09

My dad has often said that the only thing that separates man from the apes is the occasional wearing of a tux. However I have expanded on that. I included two more things. One is the bearing of firearms. The second, and most important is, “keep your voice down in the guesthouse”.

Let me reiterate. These things define a man as an evolved being:

Wearing a tux.

Owning a gun.

Speaking in soft tones while on retreat.

Is there not some balance here?

I brought the children’s book project with me. Last night I shared it with a lovely couple here.

I shared with them my dilemma. The problem of not being able to find a publisher. They offered critique and encouragement. This is what came out of the meeting:

#1. Natalie comes through as the best of all the artists. She is sensitive, intuitive, and gives great attention to detail. She followed through to full completion.

#2. I should visit a public librarian in Buffalo for direction.

#3. The project could be divided into two books. One for boys and one for girls. The girls project would contain Froggy Monster, My Dear Little Girl, and White Elephants. The boys project would contain Bite-a-miss, Zanzibar, and one more done by Natalie, “Advice to Boys”.

 

I’ve been giving more thought to our sexual desires. Is sex a need, or just an intense want?

It’s said that we receive life force through air, water, and food. It’s said that we receive life force when we sleep, as sleep is regenerative. I’m wondering if we receive life force through the pleasure of sex, as well.

I’m looking at money, too. As a form of stored energy.

The monks pray seven times a day:

4:14 am. Vigils

7:00am. Lauds

9:00am Mass

12:00pm. Sext

3:00pm. None

6:30pm. Vespers

8;15pm. Compline

I try to attend at least four of the offices each day. And also attend to my personal prayer.

Today is dismal and rainy. I did not bring many warm clothes. However, there was a small box of warm clothes left in the foyer of the guest house. A note on it said “Salvation Army”. I’m wearing one of the warm fleeces now.

6/18/09

Lunch today:

Green salad

Scalloped potatoes

Roast pork

Whole wheat flat bread and butter

Apple sauce and yogurt for dessert

Tea, hot cocoa, cider, milk, water.

After lunch I mopped the floor with the help of three other workers.

6/20/09

I’m back at Mom’s house now. It’s a rainy, dreary day. I stopped by my apartment before coming here to do mail, e-mail and messages.

I received a letter from the Department of Social Services. The benefits will continue in the full amount. The letter said that I have dual entitlement, and that they had calculated only one entitlement before sending that letter. Dual entitlement means that I personally am entitled to a monthly check, and my Dad’s work history entitles me to another.

This is an interesting coincidence. The present contemplation of the monastery postulates that many more will be saved than what our fundamental learnings held. The decent, the loving, the giving, the kind will have a place on Heaven. Even though certain important prayers and rituals have not been done.

If you are faithful to Jesus, and a friend is faithful to you, both will be saved.

If you love Jesus, and another loves you, both will be saved.

It seems that we, meaning God’s faithful servants, are expanding the boundaries of Heaven. We the intercessors are extending the reaches of heaven.

      Faith and prayer are bending reality, both the present reality and the eternal.

Even the Book of Revelations suggests tiers of salvation. The first tier is the perfected circle of twenty four Saints. Then the multitude of the 144,000 sanctified. And then a third tier of ten thousands upon ten thousands.

Sunday 6/21/09 12:20pm.                    The Squires did not turn out today. The ranks are confused. Our young rebels cancelling and rescheduling, without communicating, have the group in confusion.

Meanwhile, the project of stocking fish in Dann Lake has been bogged down in Town of Amherst Politics. We’ve cleared all hurdles and are ready to go. The project went before the town recreation director for the final stamp of approval. She dumped the project back on the planning committee, the town board, and DEC. However, the project has already been Okayed by these other offices. She’s unaware of the work already done. We’re making little headway.

I wrote some powerful letters from Mount Savior. One was to second cousin Cody. It was basically about the importance of studying hard, minding Nana and Poppy, and not falling into substance abuse.

Yesterday, Mom, Dad and I went to Jason Oliver’s wedding in Holley, New York. Jason is my second cousin. His beautiful bride’s name is Michelle. I used my clozaril, hydroxizine, and one glass of wine. And I got through the day Okay. I gave them a dove collage, framed. I hope they love it.

6/23/09

Dad and I engaged cousin Jeromy in conversation, at the wedding. I offered our thoughts of what distinguishes a man from the apes. Wearing a tux, carrying a gun, a soft voice in the guest house. Jeromy offered the thought that apes have an opposable thumb on their feet, as well as their hands.

In the car, on the way down to the wedding, Mom and Dad quarreled a bit. Dad told Mom to quit “blathering”. Blathering, neat word. As the conversation continued Mom queried about the state of affairs with Jenna, a cousin. “Has she been into any shenanigans”. Shenanigans, another great word.

6/23/09

Sunday was Father’s Day. We opened a couple bottles of Champaign. The second bottle was Spumante, which Dad said was too sweet for him.

Also, during the summer months, Dad keeps a hummingbird feeder filled with sugar water. Yesterday he commented that the little birds have not been visiting. Perhaps the sugar water is stale. I think he should put the leftover Spumante in the hummingbird feeder. But could drunken hummingbirds be a problem?

Two nights ago, Pat, from next door had a gathering. The plan was to cook out, then have a bonfire. It had been raining but cleared. The party had gone well. When I got over there it was late, after dark. Pat was sitting by the deck as the party buzzed on. They could not get the fire started, could not find dry wood.

I shared with Pat my study of shamanism. Not being able to get the ceremonial fire lit is a bad omen. “Go inside and get me a huge pack of newspapers”, I said to Pat. “I’ll go for dry wood, and meet you back here in five minutes”. Dad’s woodpiles are covered, so getting a load of dry wood was easy. I brought some motor oil, gas, and more papers, too. We were going to get that pile of wet wood lit. We succeeded, and had a pleasant fire.

6/23/09

Jon and Justin are starting a band, which is an exciting idea. I do wish they’ll ask me to bring a keyboard and music. I want to know if there is any common ground.

The repair on the ten horse is complete. While painting the welded skeg, I noticed a small hole worn deep into the lower unit. A gasket was exposed. I filled the hole with epoxy, and painted it as well.

 

Sun. June28 2009 1:30pm.

We’re down at Greg’s house in Wiscoy. Family is gathering here today.

Sue, sister and companion. Dad and Mom, Aunt Evelyn, Greg, Tina, and Cody. Kathy Frost Baker, a first cousin, with her daughter Allison. Genna is here with her boyfriend. Genna has been in trouble with the law, recently. Sid just showed up, bringing family. Terry and Kent will show up with grandchildren. Cousin Evelyn and Uncle Jerry will be here too. Billy may show up as well.

Cousin Ally has a phobia about bugs. She freaks, literally, over the smallest incident. I overheard her talking about me to sister Sue. “It’s like he ate barbequed flavored grasshoppers in Taiwan”.

Cody killed a woodchuck, which Greg barbequed. I finally got to taste woodchuck. It was dark, beef like, not too bad.

Last night Greg and I set minnow traps. Then back here, at Greg’s, we fished the pond. We hooked three big pike, and landed one. We transferred it down  to the beaver pond.

This morning we checked the traps, and caught about fifty minnows.  On our way back we saw several deer, including a doe and two spotted fawns. I initiated a conversation with Greg about setting up a home for myself before Mom and Dad die. While I still have their support.

Greg set up a heavy pole with a steel leader and a large chub. I hooked and landed a thirty inch northern, which he let me keep. Tomorrow for dinner at Mom and Dad’s house I will serve surf and turf, my style. Venison vegetable soup, and fried pike fillet.

Let me note there have been multiple bear incidents in the areas around Buffalo in the last month.

Friday 7/07/09 11:07pm.

I cleaned Kaminker’s house today. Which I have been doing regularly for many years now. They are devout Jews, Good Jews, and good friends as well.

Len shared with me that they’d recently observed a day of fasting. He spoke of the day as a very positive experience. It was done from midnight to 5:00pm.

Down at Greg’s, Mom, Aunt Ev and I got into a discussion of definitions. One understanding of the term “immaculate conception” is the belief that Jesus was conceived by the Holy Spirit, not a man’s seed. Another definition is the belief that this term speaks of Mary, Jesus mother, being born without the stain of sin.

We also compared definitions of the word “celibacy”. One definition is that of a man who lives without sexual contact with women, or other men. The second definition is to never be married.

Again, the insight emerges that sex between consenting adults is normal and healthy.

 

Here is a burdensome thought.  There are very few people upon whom a huge burden of responsibility, often uncompensated in this world, rests.

Recently, much thought has been given to the next crises in the church. And this is embezzlement by priests and church authorities.

I’m thinking back on our Monsignor’s behavior, before his retirement, and I have suspicions. No concrete evidence, just strong suspicions. He was very much preoccupied with money. He did things that were shady. Like shorting my paycheck, and then dismissing me for not accepting a pay cut. A lot of things. I could write the Bishop, but I think he already knows.

A bear came through Amherst this week. The testosterone driven cops killed it. This bear was sent by God.

Our plan for the ROC was presented last Tuesday. The Richardson Olmstead Complex is the towers building at our psychiatric center. It’s about turning these old and remarkable buildings into living space, boutiques, offices, studios, and galleries. I saw my ideas projected onto the walls before the community. A huge burden, a burden I’ve been carrying for years, lifted from my shoulders.

Continuing on here. I applied again for a sales tax number. There is a good chance I’ll make a profit this year, and I’ll need a number to pay my taxes.

I was thinking of going off the books, and under the table. But the burden and worry of having to lie is too much for me.

I was really down on having to pay taxes, especially when the total income was poverty level. But they awarded me a double entitlement. And I’m allowed to have an earned income as well.

Crashing hard on the rocky shoals of the psych system left me very bitter. But I earnestly labored to carry on, and be positive.

And now, I have become a new man. Reborn, molecule by molecule, over many years of hopeful struggles.

Yesterday, we were out on the Niagara in Justin’s twenty five foot Chris Craft. The electrical system failed. The wind and current pinned us up against a log jam. He called  for the sheriff’s  help on the emergency radio.

The sheriff’s skiff was powered by twin two hundred fifty horse engines. It was manned by three armed officers. As they closed in on us they made a demand on the bull horn. “Put your life jackets on”. Like scared rabbits we obeyed. Their order to us was more to enforce their authority than a safety issue. This I resent. But, they threw us a line and towed us to safe harbor. Back at the dock they boarded our boat, and checked all our safety equipment. We passed inspection, filled out required papers, and the cops were on their way.

I looked up, and saw a flag flying from a nearby dock. For the first time in my life, I felt love for this country. I understood why we must have taxes.

Nevertheless the disabled working poor need special consideration. Disability itself is a tax, of sorts. And the poor have little with which to pay.  The disabled must continue to get help from the government. More help than what is provided now.  We must clearly visualize the goal of having every citizen participate in one way or another.

Down at Sues in the Catskills, we had some good fishing. We hit a gold mine at a little pond out behind her house. The bass were hitting rubber worms. We went back at night and caught  six for the frying pan. Susan loves a crispy fried fillet of bass.

I then tried my hand at fishing trout in the East Delaware. I caught four browns. The whole idea of stream fishing opened for me.

Taking out the boat or canoe requires a partner. But to fish a stream requires only one person, and the desire to go.

I’m out of space now, have to find another notebook. Catch you later.

7/18/09 12:42am.

As I begin this journal, I am aware that I am still angry over things that happened to me while I was an inpatient. And I’ve been out twenty two years.

However, moving on, with plans for the R.O.C ., I hope for changes.

I want to see patients given the opportunity to help with the gardening and landscaping. And cleaning and the restaurants, as well. A chance to mainstream, mingle, and make some money. Have them paid fairly for their work.

Now let’s walk the neighborhoods around the hospital. All the empty lots, where houses once stood. We could grow  enough food to feed a small nation. And flowers to go.

7/18/09

I want to redress the concept of “reflexivity”. I should call it “reflectivity”. It’s the law of Karma, in real time.

Two days ago, when we were out on the Niagara in Justin’s boat, the True Ann, there was a good example.  We were out on the water, things were going well.

However, with a change in the wind, Justin began to speak in unkind, almost insulting tones. He said three rude things, in three consecutive sentences. Immediately, the boats engine system failed, as if his negative energy reflected back on him.

In our personal spiritual quest, we should be getting higher, and closer to the source. God. I’ve been in prayer and fasting for many, many years now. Now it seems God is creating, guiding, and guarding the reality around me. In a moment by moment, step by step way.

I’m getting back into yoga now too. It seems that yoga is a powerful tool. It elevates one’s reality.

It’s three o’clock pm. I have a little time before my next appointment. I’ll do yoga.

Sat.7/25/0912:56pm.

I’ve had a pain in my chest, on the right hand side, for a full month now. Things like this unsettle me. I’m afraid they’ll find a spot on my lung. It’s most likely arthritis or something insignificant. But I tend to worry.

The gardening schedule has been more relaxed, and easier to attend to. This leaves time for other things. I’ve had time to hoe out and organize here at the apartment.  I’ll have time for a summertime art project, which has not happened in years.

The landlord is neglecting things here at the building. Small stuff, but annoying.

The chain of insights has all but ceased. The realizations that captioned the trip to Europe with Dad have tailed off almost completely. In place are very clear visualizations of things I need to do. Creative things, art things.

• CREATE FOUR FUSION STYLE CEILING TILES.
• RENGOTIATE THE CONTRACT FOR THE CHILDREN’S BOOKS.
• START A SERIES OF BARNSIGNS ON THE WOODEN BLANKS FROM THE SAW MILL IN THE CATSKILLS.
• CONTINUE PEPAIRS ON THE PIKE MASTER.
• GET OUT FISHING AS OFTENAS POSSIBLE.

 

Justin is all of a sudden very busy with their motorcycle repair business.  But this is one reason  I bought the canoe. I’m taking Sue out on Tuesday. I have to have a partner to handle either the boat or the canoe. She might be a good adventurer.

• PAT O. IS GOING TO CHECK OUT MY GUITAR. MAYBE LESSONS?

 

 

 

Today is a party at Eric and Tammy’s place. It’s their son Ian’s birthday. I’m getting my meditation done beforehand, so I can stay late. I don’t know if I’m going to mass this weekend.

Aug.13^th 2009

Monica is reading the first journal in this series, the European adventure. Life has been really good. All physical pains have gone, and I’ve had abundant energy and happiness, for more than a month now. I cannot explain why.

The succession of insights has all but ceased. I have had one insight, however. And it is related to why some relationships fail, cease. I think it is merely an issue of space.

Let me relate. When I am dating a woman, I t always starts out sweet. Generally, there is a pattern. We start out talking to each other, or seeing each other every day. But strife invariably arises. Then there is a pattern of fighting and making up that prevails. Ultimately we break up.

It seems that women desire ever deepening closeness, though it smothers, and leaves one gasping for air. I’m finding that not communicating every day works better.

I’m finding that coming together with freshness, desire and joy is a better answer. Even if we only share one night a week, or one night a month. It is then a celebration of love, not a burden or strife.

Is it possible that the key to a successful relationship, marriage, is separate residences, or a really big house?

8/14/09

I did a major gardening task for Eulrich’s. It worked out pretty well. It took ten days.

Yesterday I power washed the Pike master. I blew out four layers different of materials used in attempt to water proof the hull. We’ll get the hull properly sealed, make a few more repairs, and Man, were going to the mountains!

Sun.8/23/09

The van has been on the lift since Wednesday. At this point, my end of the bill is 1,700.00 dollars. Ouch! Once the mechanic got started, a lot needed to be done. They are not ripping me off, just charging the usual rate.

When I was driving home from the garage on Thursday I scratched a little zit on my neck. Unexplainably my neck began bleeding profusely from the little sore. Almost hemorrhaging.  My shirt, neck, chest and stomach covered with blood.

As I walked in the front door, I called for Dad to bring tissues. We compressed the wound until the bleeding stopped. I showered to wash off the blood. After the shower I inspected the sight of the bleeding. There was no scratch, cut, puncture or bruise.

I tamped the area with a clean towel. Bleeding began again, but not hard. It bled from a single pore, a single follicle. Evidentially, an ingrown whisker punctured the artery. When I scratched it the hair dislodged and the artery bled out through the hair follicle.

8/23/09

Diane is a friend of mine. We have been dialoging on what form a man, woman relationship should take. I’m observing the divorce rate, today, on one hand. On the other hand I’m observing how a boy girl relationship is to be structured.

In junior high, and high school, we go steady. We see our partner or talk almost every day. We become adults, marry, and begin to cohabitate. Cohabitation creates the problem. Too much togetherness, plain and simple. There is an easy answer. See less of each other. Let it be a special celebration  every time you come together. The man woman relationship might be more enjoyable, successful, if it took a somewhat different form.

Anyway, this delineates the only way a man can be a monastic, and also have a relationship.

Sun, 8/23/09

No one knows where the future is leading us, nationally, internationally, globally. We could be headed for a new and more perfect world. Or we could be headed toward mergatroid. The decision comes down to the individual. If we decide to pray, and love our fellow man we will create a better world. If we decide to be greedy and sinful, we are deciding for global hardship and strife. THUS SPEAKETH THE LORD.

The “mark of the beast “is an oft discussed phrase from the Book of Revelations. An individual will not be able to buy and sell without the mark. Perhaps the mark of the beast is to have money. We are told to “overcome the beast, its image, and the number of its name”. This may mean to have the inner force to direct your money into serving honorable and holy purposes.

8/28/0

We are taught, early on, that the goal of life is to gain wealth and fame. But let me ask you, does more money and greater fame mean higher levels of happiness and joy? Were Michael  Jackson and Elvis 1000 time happier because they had 1000 times the wealth? Were they more joy filled because they achieved higher levels of fame? I think not.

But let me say right here, I am facing a huge car repair bill. It discourages and upsets me. I’m attempting to conduct myself as an enlightened gentleman.

8/26

I’ve been attempting to discern if paying taxes is a moral obligation, or just the fulfillment of man’s law.

I have a limited income. As I discussed my financial situation with others, I was told to work off the books or under the table. Men, whose advice I trust, all suggested the same thing. “Don’t declare your earnings”. My Dad suggested this, a counselor, an agent at HR Block, a trusted worker as well. So I didn’t do books for a whole year.

But then, I got a letter from social services. It said my benefits were being terminated. So to present my case, I had to generate a financial picture, do books. What I discovered was that I had worked at a loss, for the year. But I also realized that I needed to keep a set of books, because IRS, DSS, Medicare and Medicaid want detailed and accurate information on a regular basis. And that they cross reference information through the internet. So all reports must be congruent.

But, my question was, are these laws and regulations of man, or also of God? I came to see, as I faced the reports that needed to be filled out regularly, that to work off the book would require stating false information. Lying. But can lying be justified, when the laws are burdensome?

I thought it over, I prayed it over, I discerned it. My conscience informed that the paying of taxes is a civil and moral obligation. Nevertheless, the working, disabled, poor need special considerations they are not getting. The poor should be able to acquire a little wealth before the tax obligation kicks in. Remember that paying taxes is a way of contributing, helping out.

In business, honesty is even more important. Giving good service for a fair charge is everyone’s responsibility. Whether it’s the garage mechanic, grocery, or landscaper. Learning honesty, developing good character is crucial.

All this being said, I think that this economic recession were in exists because of our thoughts and emotions. The earth is still bringing forth its produce. God is still over us all. We have generated this recession with our minds.

9/01/09

AS THIS POINT IN THESE WRITINGS, WHAT I HAVE PUT DOWNIS NOT HOW I’M SEEING THINGS AT THE TIME OF THIS RETYPING IN APRIL2022. Since the time of the initial writings of this text, my parents have passed, and I have received a generous inheritance. Today I’m seeing the comfort and peace that money can bring.

So, to continue with the text, as it was originally written:

As long as we focus on money, we’ll never have enough.

We are entering a new reality. There will be less money. We’ll need to find a new type of prosperity. We’ll have to work on making our homes and cars comfortable, and beautiful. We’ll need to work on our family relationships, and friendships. We’ll need to learn to pray in a more meaningful way. We’ll have to find crafts and hobbies, and constructive things with our time and our hands. We’ll need to learn to think in new ways, and to be there for friends and family.

We may be well into the prophesied end times, right now. But mergatroid is being stayed by God’s hand. Stayed because there are a few people wholly engaged in serving God, and man, in the Holy Spirit.

8/04/09

We’ll have to tend the microcosm, and the macrocosm. Tending the microcosm includes being attentive to interpersonal relationships with an extra measure of giving. In business, friendships and in our churches. Remember, in this age our churches and synagogues are infected with greed as well.

Tending the macrocosm, for those of modest means, means daily prayer for peace and justice on earth. Folks of means bear a greater responsibility, for they possess the wealth and science needed to address the global issues. Again the answers lie in going beyond the job description, beyond the call of duty.

With my counselor today, she mentioned the concern over the coming of year 2012. 2012 is the last charted year on the ancient Mayan calendar. She hopes that through the enlightened working together, it will be the dawn of a more perfect world. So in our microcosm, we consciously create love. Macrocosmically we send this love abroad in prayers for peace on earth.

Sun.9/13/09

When dealing with one another, we need to acknowledge grace. To give one another leeway, a little slack and forgiveness. Not to be overly legalistic. Our government too should practice grace when dealing with its citizens. Cops should not write nuisance tickets. Judges and investigators should discern if an attempt  is being made to do the right thing. We all need to practice understanding and forgiveness.

I used LSD and marijuana when young. I also read some work on the principles of the psychic realm. I came to the conclusion that there was a basic principle, a law of life. “What you put into it will determine what you get out of it”. I concluded it would be possible for me to do great miracles, like Moses, Elijah, and Jesus. If I prayed enough, if I fasted enough, if I gave enough of my stuff away. I was determined and convinced, that I could gain the power of miracles. And then, all else in my life would fall into place.

So I fasted. So I prayed. So I gave. And so I fell. Collapsing into catatonia. Or into confrontations with the police that wanted to take me to the hospital.

I still practice praise and thanksgiving, worship and adoration, charity and self control. It is what I am all about. But now with temperance and moderation. Now realizing simple peace is greater than fame and fortune.

Sun9/13/09

One of my ward mates up at Saint Lawrence shared an insight with me. It was the awareness of “silent sound”. He pointed to the heavy floor to ceiling curtains on our ward. “Those curtains”, he said, “have a silent sound. You can feel their presence”. I understood him. I went on to discover that many things, perhaps all things, have a silent sound.

Here’s another point. Again about greed. In today’s world greed has a very powerful and omnipresent silent sound. It is accepted as normal, right, and good. Most all practice it. We teach it to our young.

I met with my counselor, Cheryl, on Friday. She’s an incredibly gifted counselor. She had an insight, at the end of our session. “Were always attempting to do all things in an enlightened and ascended way.  But our financial concerns, our material concerns are always bringing us down to the mundane. She’s absolutely right. How can this be remedied?

Let me reiterate here. Daily prayer is the root and substance of life.

Wed Oct. 7 2009

What happened today? They were catching fish all around me. Justin had his limit of three by noon. I could not land a minnow.

We arrived at Waterport before first light. Fishermen already lined both sides of the river, guided by lanterns and flashlights, waiting for first light.

The hookups began as soon as it was light enough to fish, and continued all day. Three, four, five fish at a time. Huge fish, as strong as locomotives.

The far side of the river was lined by Amish men, with traditional beards and hats. At noon, their women and children came down, all in black and bonnets. They stood behind their men, in two perfectly straight rows, watching.

A lot of the fish were snagged. Stringers and ropes full of fish were tied everywhere. But Justin fair hooked all his fish. We had them cleaned at the onsite cleaning station. The fish cutter was expert, with scientific speed and precision. Justin, like a good brother, gave me the fillets of one fish.

Now Justin has landed four salmon. But broken off and lost tackle sixty times. I’ve lost about eight fish, and landed two. His light tackle gets him a lot of hookups, but too many break offs.

I’m attempting to find heavier rigging that will draw strikes, and not break. I’ve been experimenting with new, stronger knots.

12/01/09

Monica is on my mind tonight. It’s been a long time since we talked. A lot of water has gone over the dam. I’ve been deer hunting, taking care of customers, and traveling. We just got back from Oklahoma. We celebrated Thanksgiving with Judy and Dana, sister and brother in law.

Dana introduced me to trapping. He does animal nuisance control. One of his friends is losing chickens. In an attempt to catch the marauders we caught three skunks, five opossum, and a raccoon.

The vibes in Judy’s home are always pleasant. There was time for yoga and prayer. The church we attended on Sunday was high spirited, born again.

Every day Dana and I went out adventuring. Checking traps, fishing, shooting, or scouting. They have wild animals we don’t have here. Elk, antelopes, pigs, and lions.

12/17/09

Back at Billy’s camp, Justin and I had a full blown argument. You know, I got really upset when Justin out fished me at Waterport this fall. I realized I needed to be bigger than that, and get over it. And I did.

However, by the time Justin got down to deer camp for the late season I had tagged three deer. I understand how this made him angry. He packed up and went home in a rage.

Mom, Dad and I are headed to New York City for the Christmas holiday. We leave on Tuesday, and will be gone for six days.

I’ve been focusing on yoga for the past three months. It’s very helpful.

12/28/09

Just returning from New York. It was a busy and fun packed holiday. We saw the Rockettes  in the Christmas spectacular  ay Radio City Music Hall.

Of course Sue and Sandy cooked spectacular meals. Pork and ham, salmon and quail. Wines and liquors, desserts and cookies.

Brother in law Bob’s sister spent the holiday with us, with her two sons. It was pleasant.

With Mom and Dad aging, travel is difficult. But we manage, with wheel chairs, attendants, and taxis.

My work season is over now, until May. This winter I’ll be working on the development of my line of greeting cards, my children’s books and “The wanderings of Mikelee the Gnome”. If time permits, I’ll cut paper in another artistic study.

POSTLUDE: WRITTEN 4/18/22.

       Since this was written, in2009, Mom and Dad have passed away. Their deaths were very difficult for me. And many changes have come. I did not anticipate receiving an inheritance. And the changes that would bring.  What a relief it has been to have a little financial liberty. I have learned that money is not always an evil thing. It can be a wonderful blessing. To have the things I need. And some of the things I want. We just bought a small fishing boat. A nice little boat. Because I want it. I can use it. To take people out on the water, to catch fish, and have fun. This is freedom, the pursuit of happiness, and my heart is full of gratitude.